Open Mic: Enlightened

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Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
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    Posted: 07 July 2014 at 1:26pm
My eyes are quenched...
The silence ends as I commence to write intense
And find the sense of life and strength inside the time we spent
Together never severed ever as the night was drenched
The right intent was driven by the wishes I repent
We fight and then arrive content because your guide prevents...
The blinded lens my sight ascends to cry and tempt my mind to clench
In my defense I've minimized this victimized descent...
To kiss the skies the way your lips persist to lift us high again
As if our lives were meant to tie us in a bind and lend...
Us light to let our might attempt to shine as bright as diamond gems
We symbolize the civilized in simple times of men...
And women in it as they rise against the lies that lie in friends
As violent trends extend the lengths of all the lives entrenched
I write laments and blend the pride of gents with my revenge
Recite it when I chime in at the lines of live events
And hope the wise amend the broken ties my rhymes cement

I hope the enlightenment of life exists

Never thought I'd have to pay respect - Now I'm facing debt...
And at this rate regret will make me stress to save a check
I've seen the days are less amazing as I stayed and slept
Cause lately death erased what's left of any faith I kept
Fuck the rays, just let it rain until the pain's suppressed
For if my fate is next I'm laying with no weight to press
Way depressed but ain't no way I'll cave in as I face...
My angel as she lays I feel her grace beneath her naked breasts
That beats a breadth of peace and blessed my needs to age correct
If I could break these chains just guess who I'll be saving next
If ya'll could wait with patience just awhile, be brave and rest
And I could take the nameless up the clouds replacing jets
Take these steps and then attain the greatness they reject
Maybe then you'll turn the page and burn the traces left
To learn your place is set above the serpents making threats
Cause if it ain't success, I'm better off by playing dead

I know the enlightenment of life begins

I thought that I was growing up, if only luck
Could show me what my glory was supposed to clutch
You'd know what's up...
Was never close enough to blow the bucks and gold to just
Throw on stuff like clothes and crud I'd never really own as much
And showing guts wasn't unknown to us, we chose to trust
The focus wasn't bogus but my bro wasn't opposed to drugs
I composed a troubled poem but flushed it over ducts
The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust
As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust
My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged
Alone and crushed because the only love I've known was what...
The both of us had spoken of while choking up through frozen hugs
The smoke was stuffing up my lungs enough to croak but fuck!
In that moment what I saw was us, a throne and cups
We hold 'em up and toast to us, the ones who rose above
And if my open cuts won't close enough I'll sew 'em shut

I hold the enlightenment of life within
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SwordedStylez View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SwordedStylez Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 1:41pm
See, now this is how to do it haha. Your natural ability to rhyme is so enjoyable for me to read, I think of everyone here you are the person who's method I'd be most interested in seeing and studying. It always stuns me how similar our rhyme schemes are actually, if it wasn't for the content I could imagine writing most of these lines myself - take that as a massive compliment, I'm very particular about rhymes and to literally put out rhymes where I go "wow, I like that, I do it like that too, this is fucking cool" is a level of skill beyond all but a very select few writers, you're one of the few.  Content was beautifully delivered and your coherency with the level of rhyming is again something I find very admirable.  The second verse is the strongest for me, both in delivery and message, from the first line to naked breasts is some of the best writing I've had the pleasure of reading in a very long time and the skill you used when writing those lines is remarkable.  You're in a very unique position, as you have an almost "opposite style" to me in terms of the things you write about and the way you write them, yet you also have the technical approach that delivers results most like my own - this means you can pretty much get away with writing anything you want and I'm going to enjoy it. Simple fantastic. Props.
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Ransom View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ransom Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 1:50pm
Damn bro welcome to the rhyming bananza.. Nothing I enjoy more then verses that just flow well.. Multis everywhere I consider myself an honest person and I can tell you I didn't have to force myself through this for one second.. Keep it up man
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Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 2:03pm
SS - Greatly appreciate the words and especially the comparison, man. I can definitely agree with the "opposite style" part, too. I always take notice when checking your stuff out. Much thanks, dude.

Ransom - Really glad that you felt that ease of flow. It's one of the things I obsess over. Thanks for the feedback, man.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote nomedic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 2:09pm
Man your rhyme scheme is out of this world serious

Your pattern just trickles off the tongue and not even one forced rhyme
Liked all the sections of this piece …it must take dedication to want
To say something but in a way that has a ridiculous multi count you
Pulled it off effortlessly showing us how its done and content was also
On point i dont know what deserves praise more cause you killed that simultaneously loved this piece for real
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Ghul View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ghul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 5:20pm
Pretty much gonna say what everyone else already has in that your rhymes are nut in this. It's like every word connects with every word, pretty insane a stuff. Just based on that alone is impressive, not to mention your sick flow
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 5:31pm
Are you an audio head?  I can tell that you have an ability to write a song.  Believe it or not people struggle with writing a song.  They lose track and the message behind.  You clearly have that ability to be coherent and consistent.  I'd really would like to hear the audio presence of this.  The content is good, now I'd like to hear the delivery.  Great writing.
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Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 July 2014 at 6:06pm
I guess I could say I'm an audio head at heart but in reality have only recorded a couple songs a long time ago when I was younger. My idea was always to do strictly audio as I grew older and that was when I was around 14 or 15. It never came into fruition as the I continued prioritizing the other parts of my life. But since the beginning when I started writing as a teenager, almost everything, if not everything, I've ever written was to its respective beat. And if it didn't have a beat and I decided to keep the piece (let's say writing during school or something) I would find a beat for it, revise the flow to it and that's that. Anyway, I do have some connection to a recording studio but I guess I haven't found that right push to go and work on some stuff. 

But I did however just record the song with the beat I wrote it to on my phone just so you got an idea of the delivery and feel of it. So I do apologize that it's not a studio quality piece of audio, I basically used my phone's voice recorder:


Got me sounding like I have a lisp but I don't at all, haha.

And thank you for the feed, man. Same to Ghul and nomedic, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to check the piece out. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote H4ZE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 July 2014 at 3:12am
damn man, the rhyme schemes throughout this piece are fucking crazy, this is why I love your work,you always have dope content, amazing flow and crazy rhyme schemes. I don't see how you do this shit. It's crazy to me. Good work man, really dope shit. Hope to see more from you soo.
Keep it up and stay blessed man. Good work.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 July 2014 at 8:46pm
I would like to tell my personal opinion on this piece rather than other technical shit cuz you don't need it anyways...at least not from me.

People like going complex with their verses but i dont like over complex shit tbh. The goal of the verse should be to deliver the message across in a creative way. If people are not getting what you're saying, then its useless.verse complexity should be on that perfect line which lies somewhere between the highly complex and simple stuff. What i like about your style ( it can be seen here), you put in tons of internals etc without going overly complex. On top of that, keeping the same rhyme scheme for the most of its part/such a good flow/not letting the readers interest slide and still not going over complex, i think you did an awesome job here. That's what make you among the dopest writers. I mean... That shit was literally flawless.
Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

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Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 July 2014 at 9:14pm
Haze - Appreciate the feedback, man! I'm definitely going to keep trying to drop more consistently.

Titu - Appreciate that, man. I guess that's just what my writing progressed into. Others are great at the highly complex styles but I always felt that I forced it when I tried, haha. 

Thanks, fellas.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Red-B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 July 2014 at 9:57pm
You are a fucking genius, what can I say honestly your way above my level, no one can question your schemes they where doper than ever best shit I've seen on LA honestly in my opinion, the flow was butter smooth and the vocabulary that you used in this piece was just fucking crazy, good work here man I wouldn't be suprised if your feedback rhymed your fucking crazy bro, DOPE!
Keep up and stay blessed
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 July 2014 at 4:53am
Haha, now that's an idea...rhyming feedback. I appreciate the words, Red, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it that much. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Point Blank Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 July 2014 at 12:32am
The broken brush of hope would rust, my soul was ever cold with dust
As old as nether bones the months would grow but won't adjust
My phone should buzz to ask me how I'm holding up but no one budged
Alone and crushed because the only love I've known was what...
The both of us had spoken of while choking up through frozen hugs


Dope, I loved the audio version of this too man you should post that seperately in the audio mic section and I really hope you record a lot more of your drops and share them with us. Definitely one of my favourite writers of all time and this piece shows why. Keep them coming man
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JBrenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 July 2014 at 8:19pm
The whole first stanza Is FUCKING BANANAS!!!

FIRST LET ME SAY IF EVERYONE DOESNT COME FEED THIS AFTER THE WORK YOU PUT IN TO FEED EVERYBODY'S DROPS I WILL RIOT!!!

That said this is an amazing display of multis and flow the syllable count has to be off the charts here.... You hit this one out the park boss!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote J504 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 July 2014 at 8:55pm
Free, you still kill at this shit. When I first got this site and peeped classic verses and yours was one of the very first ones that really made me say,"wow, there's some dudes here who can rhyme".

What's great is showcasing your skill here in this one but you still storytelling and flowing not just for that sake of rhyming. This is some skilled rhyming right here, really enjoyed it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sensei Shun Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 July 2014 at 2:15am
Man, I peeped the thread to return the favor. But honestly, after reading that, the pleasures mind. This was a great flow driven freeverse. Alot of people take for granted the amount of skill it takes to carry a scheme through stanzas like you did here. Really impressive in that regard. I mean the flow was butter smooth. Honestly, nothing to really nitpick about. This was just a great job. My hats off to you
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kosmosis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 July 2014 at 2:47am
Take note:

This is how to rhyme and have concepts and actually mean something.

your middle section was real af.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 July 2014 at 10:19pm
Goes without saying the rhyming / rhyme scheme is immense...loved that "symbolised the civilised in simple times for men" line, real high quality.

Pay respect / facing debt was awesome. Whole style is epic, unbelievable that you always seem to come through and throw down a huge overflow of rhymes and always keep that variety and not repeating yourself!!

So yeah, heavy hitting drop...you always make it difficult for yourself because we've all come to expect such a high standard of lyricism from you & you need to go to an even higher level to impress us!! Crazy really...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 July 2014 at 8:54pm
Hell yeah, man.

Enjoyed this, no problems at all with this piece. You just went through, effortlessly. 
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