Forum LockedText Battle Archive: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Crim Juice v Kiki (1-3)

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Crim Juice v Kiki (1-3)
    Posted: 09 October 2016 at 6:57pm
Topical battle
32 line limit
Topic = Life as a legendary pirate*
Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today
* Pirate can either be 'yo ho ho' style, or modern version (e.g. online piracy)

Edited by Endeavor - 04 November 2016 at 5:16pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 October 2016 at 5:05pm


Dollars? Child, i've made a wild few,
I got you new music-
Or I can sync a link to '10 Things I Hate About You'.
Laws? Man, couple grand in a band,
If you could understand this-
I brandish brandless with every band in my hand.
Lawsuits? I've had grapples with Apple,
Imagine every angle mattering-
Dismantle, as I have to lead hackers to battle.
Politics? Pick pics of sickly freaks,
If it sticks they pickett weekly-
Putting the sick in seats, shout out to Wikileaks.
Games? Leakings reached a few kids,
Ruined the youth didn't he-
You're not cool, 'til they know where Pikachu is.
Dangerous? If you're not one of us,
I'm not God, obviously-
But we move as one if you go at Anonymous.
Media? They stay free to sleeze,
But cos I can leak easily-
I'm just a 'geek' unless it helps out TMZ.
Pirate? Nickname is again attained,
Just know you'll never contain it-
I don't cause pain, I just aid the entertained.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 October 2016 at 9:38pm
Crim is in for Flame. He has a 1 week deadline from today. Keeks can tweak/resubmit his verse in this time frame as he pleases.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 October 2016 at 1:27am
NSPCC= national society prevention of cruelty to children.

My infamy began on a tidal Sea,a breeze in the sail lookin for a ship's booty,
no such thing as the NSPCC,see my rise starts as a cabin boy and a detainee,
was put to work with a mop like a chimpanzee,I was in no position to disagree,
miles away from home like an evacuee,on a galleon renamed the Marie Bounty,
cook/fetch/clean food was my only fee,9yrs old my labour was considered free,
kicked and slapped by the ship's company,on the daily thats how life was for me,

10yrs pass many boarding and looting ensued,shore leave is now long overdue,
from the highest point I had a birds eye view,lessons learnt that I kept in lieu,
like the roots of a tree i grew,the crowsnest where I spread my wings and flew,
men can steer ships that I knew,but how many can handle a power hungry crew,
now sailing on to a new rendezvous,depart and drink away our stolen revenue,
rum is the men's favourite brew,where they rent the loose women by their twos,

syphilis made the cpt evil in the head,fear amongst the men like spores spread,
even the deck had taken its fill of blood shed,men condemned onto the seabed,
then one night I snapped and saw red,on my hands and knees like a quadruped,
creeping to his quarters the moment of dread,wishing i could of turned and fled,
for someone else to do it I'd given an arm and leg,on my knees I would've begged,
carefully on the boards I tread,towards he's bed I plunge the knife into his head,

a beard covers scars etched on my face,fearing when someone takes my place,
consuming rum at an alarming pace,I'm begin to think back with a bitter taste,
I have a long career which is spent in haste,roaming and willing to give chase,
stealing from ships and disappearing with no trace,the cpt known as ghostface,

"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 November 2016 at 5:07pm
Open for votes!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 November 2016 at 12:16am

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ok ,,,
in this standoff there are two completely different approaches 
kiki went for the more modern type of pirate 
where as crim came with the more traditional type

kiki
your structure is nice and it made for an easy read littered with multis
and there were a lot of good references also ,but what you lacked was the descriptive images i wanted to see , i never really got a plot with this story, no emotion like a rapbot wrote it ,the rhymes and flow were on point i'll give you props for that , you also had 32 lines to work with and you never used them so there was alot of room for you to be more descriptive and give us some better visuals,
over all you did a great good rapping about the topic but you sacrificed rhymes and flow for substance and content story line witch hurt you in the end

and Crim i feel you told an original story here
you started off by letting us know who you were and how it all began 
your flow and rhymes to were nice its just that the abbreviation NSPCC threw it off just a little bit

your 2nd segment was fire it all flowed real nice
the line that really stood out for me there was 
"like the roots of a tree i grew, the crowsnest where i spread my wings and flew

thats some good imagery 

i think the best part of your verse for me was the 3rd segment

syphilis made the cpt evil in the head,fear amongst the men like spores spread, 
even the deck had taken its fill of blood shed,men condemned onto the seabed, 

^^^ really diggin those lines
this segment ticked along nicely the first to segments were a nice build up
im actually  getting into this story as it becomes more interesting

and you ended it off well to
you had the full story here start to finish with tons of detailed images
from a young boy who mopped the deck to a ruthless pirate 

again two completely different approaches to this topic
both dope as fuck in there own way
but MFV is going to have to go  to Crimson Juice for telling a great story while keeping it at a nice reading pace that made me what to keep on reading ,for the visual imagery 
for the better topical verse Crim takes the cake 
nice work boys


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 November 2016 at 10:09pm

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To very different verses here. Ki took a brilliantly innovative take on the topic. Two lines in I was all like OH NO HE DI'INT! I loved how you angled it through a confident persona and how you laid out all the questions. Wasted no words, was concise and enjoyable. Crim, you did everything you thought you should have here and for a verse approaching a topic exactly as one would imagine, you did a pretty good job. Your made all the expected pirate references, breezy seas, stolen treasure, rum, and painted a good pirate scene. Only gripe with the verse is that it was a little too predictable when compared to Ki's outside the box approach at the topic. I found  myself hanging on his every word and had to force my way through the pirate story with no real surprises.

+1 Ki
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2016 at 12:17am

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Kiki - 

I thoroughly enjoyed your rather original approach here. The scheme you employed, along with some great word choices made for an overall, very smooth read. While a rather short read, the relevant and relatable references really made this a consistent and complete work. I actually enjoyed the direct tone you had here, rather than a subtly descriptive one, as it aided in the creation of the image through those references. I'd just wished for it to be a bit longer - maybe developing a more thorough narrative could make this even more interesting. A good read overall. 

Crim -

As it's been stated already, you took a very different approach compared to your opponent. I really liked the tale-like concept with the vivid imagery you incorporated. I think the descriptions were the highlight of your verse, vividly depicted. The schemes were decent, due to the somewhat longer lines an enhancement through multis and internals could've really contributed to a smoother read, though. But I also perceived the 'plot' to be a rather linear one - in the sense that you 'ended the story the way you started it', which would be fine if you wouldn't have taken the topic on hand literal. But it definitely was a good read. 

Both had highlights in their verses. 

Vote - Kiki 

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2016 at 1:03am

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i really enjoy the dichotomous factor of this battle, lol

kiki - very creative, my man. It was more of an essay than a narrative which i can still appreciate if done well.

so this verse served as a commentary on piracy. I like how u were able to etch different types of piracy in such short lines but, the way it spoke (in context) was so clear and concise. That, in and of itself, was very impressive bro. good shit. Also dug the literary techniques u implemented like alliteration. One technique i noticed was ur twist on repetition. i'm sure theres a term for it but i just can't think of it right now as im gearing for the football game and cooking at the same time lol. so yeah, heres an example:

I brandish brandless with every band in my hand.
Lawsuits? I've had grapples with Apple, 

like the root word was band but u use different interations of it (properly) it happend with "leak" and a few more times.

Crimson,
a very easy to follow story about the rise of a pirate. It was a great attempt at character sketch also. I've always felt that telling a story is a very delicate art. The balance has to be respected. Honestly, i suck at narrative topicals so take what i tell u with a grain of salt. It can't just be about plot u know? like the issue i had with this was like u were basically laying out the scene and timeline in a very basic way. Like "ok, so this happen, then this happen, then this happen". I prefer more stuff like this:

from the highest point I had a birds eye view,lessons learnt that I kept in lieu, 
like the roots of a tree i grew,the crowsnest where I spread my wings and flew, 
men can steer ships that I knew,but how many can handle a power hungry crew, 

as a character sketch, that segment was awesome. You really dug into his character. It wasnt jus telling us, its showing us, nah mean? descriptive language can also sweeten up a verse like this also.

vote - kiki. I felt his style was a bit more refine and the creativity nailed it. Crim, i think ur onto something here. Ur a natural story teller so if u can cultivate that skill, u can be a monster bro. I can see it already.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2016 at 7:05pm
3-1 Keeks...

Alice, I marked your vote as "needs improvement"...the analysis/breakdown was really good, but you ultimately said both verses were "good" and didn't give any real explanation of the reasoning of why you voted the way you did. I accepted it on the basis that it seemed pretty clear you'd read, understood & preferred Kiki's verse...but make sure you give an explicit reason at the end, makes it easier for the mods.
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