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Cuba 
Senior Moderator 
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
 Topic: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Crim Juice v Slip (1-3)Posted: 13 January 2017 at 7:53pm |
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Topical battle
32 line limit Topic = Pick any one of the five images here (posting your chosen image BEFORE your verse) Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today |
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Slip
Standard Member 
Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 15 January 2017 at 7:27am |
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 Quick to get this story rolling with no postponement as a tortured soul unfolds the broken words of a poet if you could only see and feel, be here in the moment pain is the potent component chosen i need you to know it eyes peeled open, vivid visuals of each thought abstract emotions, twisted in a sick plot frozen with an image, distracted from the distraught serotonin soars through my mind at the tip top trickling down my spine rewinding like a re-run this shit don't stop in my head ,never be done always coming back never wants to leave one stone unturned forever going to need some type of high to numb the pain, i cant erase it wondering what you'd be son?, if only you'd of made it makes it hard to breath, um?, i get choked up cos i hate it resorting back to drugs extremely afraid to face it butterflies in my eyes i keep'em dry without crying escape it all as i fall inhaling while i dive in i'm dying inside reminding myself why trying not to think about, why'd you have to die? on the day you were born i take another puff life's rough my hearts torn, its not enough to mourn in the back of my mind swarmed by all the craziness brain cells fried just from wondering where my baby is i blame it on his mother that woman was a crazy bitch heroin filled syringes in the arm of a pregnant chick your the reason why he's dead and we've never even met the kid your the reason why im high smoking meth like its medicine snorting lines of mescaline just to mask the mess im in on the outside looking in again wishing it was all pretend the animated pictures that im picturing will never end realities to much for me im stuck with this hallucinogen |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 16 January 2017 at 9:00am |
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 Witness as my fleet of vessels now nestle within the sands, An event even i had wrestled to stop the deserts as it expands, Tried hard to shore it up as if tressle,but it didn't go as planned, The working ppl grinded with a pestle,by the elites own hands, Understand this,pollution is from the taste of greed and wealth, By our own labours and their illusion unknowing helped our self's And no solution from the rich who caused the planets bad health, They stole our rights to evolution with some fake guise and stealth, See its started in 1945,when the 1st mushroom cloud filled the sky, And no it wasn't a sky full of pie,as 140.000 ppl didn't prepare to die, Then SL1 where business lied,the tears banked and replaced by sighs, 78 an island 3 miles wide this time a Country that nearly made us cry, F/shima/Chernobyl,where circumstance caused defects to gene pools, Where in fallout grasp nothing was sacred from hospitals to schools, We continued on like fools,where investors used the masses as tools, Feinding over the paper they'd drool,but it still burnt up just like us all, War scathed Gaia like a deep open soar,now wild weather patterns roar, That gem now not a planet life would tour,used abused down to her core, All void of life and no masses of land,no seas either she naked and bland, Like an old icon she should be canned,now a grain in darkness she stands, On her now moody clouds pour acid rain, where every drop causes her pain, Winds etch parodys within the grains,all cuz a few couldn't see the real gains, Edited by Cuba - 19 January 2017 at 10:39am |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator
Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Posted: 26 January 2017 at 3:25am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator.
you came into this verse strong here brother. The opener was really nice, and it certainly set a strong pace
so, at this point, I already see one avenue the story is going to take. The child in the head being a dead child on his mind. . . The wording wasn’t as creative or had the flare as the first part. Maybe necessary for the transition that is to come. . lets see how it plays out.
o.k. . . so I certainly sympathize with both the character and the unborn child here. The wording is doing enough to describe the inner pain he’s dealing with, and the root cause of his obvious addiction to drugs that he has turned too.
werd. . So heres my honest impressions. Overall, solid work here. No, actually. This was a great piece man. You certainly let the image dictate the story which on one hand. . made it predictable, BUT, it was cool to see you utilize images within the image throughout your verse. . such as the baby in the mind, the butterflies, the psychedelic hallucinogenic depiction etc. The beginning and end was stronger then the middle for me. So moving forward, I would say to try to keep the consistency that you start with . . or, if your going to change levels in the complexity of the vocabulary, then have that vocab slowly descend along with the characters grief and misery. That gives the reader a sense that the words are sort of deteriorating along with the character and plays into the effect. .but yo, dope stuff my man Crimson,
So, right off the bad we are painting the image of a dystopia
type land where pollution and/or war shed has left the world in ruin. .
So, this goes to further illustrate the cause and effect.
Shows how corporations will destroy everything and we invest in false promise
of wealth and a brighter future until everything we have is stolen right from
under us.
And in this section we are speaking on the scars left on mother earth for negative gains. . . So heres the deal Crimson. This was another dope entry. Ive seen these types of pieces done a bit better admittedly, but it don’t take away from the fact that this was descriptive and touches on a personal fear that yes. . . we do blindly let corporations destroy our land while we sit idle. .and one day will have to answer for it. However, I have your opponents verse to compare this to. And in doing that, I think he did better in most of the categories. His flow was a little smoother, concepts were equal, but I think his story line was more filled out then yours, and I felt the pace was a bit better Slips verse. Therefore, I have to give my vote to Slip, but salute to both of you on a dope battle. Thanks Vote - Slip |
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S Dubb
Groupie 
Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 05 February 2017 at 7:45am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Crimson: Witness as my fleet of vessels now nestle within the sands, An event even i had wrestled to stop the deserts as it expands, Tried hard to shore it up as if tressle,but it didn't go as planned, The working ppl grinded with a pestle,by the elites own hands, Understand this,pollution is from the taste of greed and wealth, By our own labours and their illusion unknowing helped our self's And no solution from the rich who caused the planets bad health, They stole our rights to evolution with some fake guise and stealth, Nice opener, good way to get into the story.... Creative, and decent imagery.... The flow was on point, and you even used good vocab, nice start....... See its started in 1945,when the 1st mushroom cloud filled the sky, And no it wasn't a sky full of pie,as 140.000 ppl didn't prepare to die, Then SL1 where business lied,the tears banked and replaced by sighs, 78 an island 3 miles wide this time a Country that nearly made us cry, F/shima/Chernobyl,where circumstance caused defects to gene pools, Where in fallout grasp nothing was sacred from hospitals to schools, We continued on like fools,where investors used the masses as tools, Feinding over the paper they'd drool,but it still burnt up just like us all, Your doing a great job as far as creativity goes, this is very imaginative.... The last line in this section is my only problem, it really doesn't fit in here at all, so it's more of a filler in my opinion...... It still feels like your building up to the story, when this section should be where the main part of the story is, this should be your climax...... Your putting to much into describing your story, instead of getting to the main plot of the story, ya know...... War scathed Gaia like a deep open soar,now wild weather patterns roar, That gem now not a planet life would tour,used abused down to her core, All void of life and no masses of land,no seas either she naked and bland, Like an old icon she should be canned,now a grain in darkness she stands, On her now moody clouds pour acid rain, where every drop causes her pain, Winds etch parodys within the grains,all cuz a few couldn't see the real gains, Not really a good ending, you ended the story without really giving an ending, you know..... I feel like there's part of the verse missing..... Your creativity is excellent though, that's where you shined on this verse, being creative..... Flow was on point as well, good work..... Overall this was a good verse...... You were very creative, definately using your mind when writting this...... Your flow was on point throughout the verse as well, good job...... I enjoyed this verse from start to finish, it went well with the picture you chose too...... My only issue with this verse is the fact that I feel like your missing a section...... You didn't really drop a clear ending, it felt like the story was still going on but it wasn't...... You needed a few more lines to drop a proper ending....... The fact that there is no end really hurt the overall affectiveness of this verse....... Even though this was very creative and most definately a good drop from you, I just couldn't get a full story from it...... So that hurt the overall outcome of the verse in my opinion...... Slip: Quick to get this story rolling with no postponement as a tortured soul unfolds the broken words of a poet if you could only see and feel, be here in the moment pain is the potent component chosen i need you to know it eyes peeled open, vivid visuals of each thought abstract emotions, twisted in a sick plot frozen with an image, distracted from the distraught serotonin soars through my mind at the tip top Great opener...... Your flow was raw here, great inners in your lines with a great finish..... The vocab and wording was also on point...... You were creative and your painting a good picture, good work here...... trickling down my spine rewinding like a re-run this shit don't stop in my head ,never be done always coming back never wants to leave one stone unturned forever going to need some type of high to numb the pain, i cant erase it wondering what you'd be son?, if only you'd of made it makes it hard to breath, um?, i get choked up cos i hate it resorting back to drugs extremely afraid to face it Okay, I see where your going with this story..... Your telling a story, adding detail as to what is going on as well.... good work..... butterflies in my eyes i keep'em dry without crying escape it all as i fall inhaling while i dive in i'm dying inside reminding myself why trying not to think about, why'd you have to die? on the day you were born i take another puff life's rough my hearts torn, its not enough to mourn in the back of my mind swarmed by all the craziness brain cells fried just from wondering where my baby is Good work here as well..... Nice imagery...... Good work putting a picture to the story your telling, plus your doing something that I can actually imagine, nothing too far stretched..... So far so good..... i blame it on his mother that woman was a crazy bitch heroin filled syringes in the arm of a pregnant chick your the reason why he's dead and we've never even met the kid your the reason why im high smoking meth like its medicine snorting lines of mescaline just to mask the mess im in on the outside looking in again wishing it was all pretend the animated pictures that im picturing will never end realities to much for me im stuck with this hallucinogen Damn, what an ending..... Emotional, and had me(the reader) even feeling some type of way..... This was a good way to wrap it up and tie the whole verse together, this ending was the best part of the verse..... Good work..... Overall you took the picture, placed a good topic to it and killed it....... The way you ended this verse tied it all together and made this a great overall read...... You took something bad that happened in this guys life and showed what it done to him, making him keep hisself in a realm of illusions due to depression...... This is one of the best verses I have read from you, great work in making the writing go with the picture...... You were creative in the twist you put in at the end....... This is definately something that happens in everyday life...... Your flow was on point, structure was smooth, and the delivery was on point...... Good work, I enjoyed this verse from start to finish, nice job....... Vote- Slip The reason I voted for Slip was because his story was layed out better...... You could follow the topic a lot better, start, middle, and end....... The whole verse was connected well and was enjoyable the entire time...... Crimson had a great verse as well, but I felt there was no start and end..... I felt like he was missing lines to finish his story...... So that had a major overall affect on the quality of his verse....... Both dropped good verses, but Slip made his story more complete...... Making his verse better overall...... Good drops from both of you though, and this was a great battle..... Good job you guys, I enjoyed reading both verses...... good battle...... |
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Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3 Regular Text= 0-1 Alias= 0-1 Topical= 1-0 Horrorcore= 1-0 Overall= 3-5 |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member 
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 08 February 2017 at 3:25pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. slip: ok first of all it was on point from the technical aspect. Flow was a bit choppy in some places but for the most part technically it was cool. As far as the interpretation you took with the picture I feel it was the obvious choice. You stayed in the box rather than stepping out of it so to speak. I feel you took the easy route and took the picture way too literal. In my opinion this was the easy picture to choose. On the other hand your story picked up towards the end. The not seeing the kid aspect you nailed it pretty good. Again with the ending, technically you really did your thing. I was just hoping for a more detailed story. The story aspect of this was bland. For future reference use more of your imagination and don't write to the obvious. Don't get me wrong I still like this piece from the writing technical aspect. Crim: Your story to the picture was more in depth than slips. Altho I thought some of your lines were too wordy and you were stretching your internal rhyming a bit too much you still had a pretty cool take on the picture you chose. I also thought your rhyming scheme was pretty dope. You also went into details about your story which is pretty much a must when it comes to topicals. Your story did lose me at some points. At other points It was pretty fucking dope in my opinion. The first line in your third segment was awesome. Your descriptiveness was great in this drop but I feel some lines were a bit off topic and strayed from the story. MVGT: Crimson juice...Altho I enjoyed slips verse I felt he played it safe with his picture and his adaption to to his picture. I feel crimson took a risk and he nailed it for the most part. when it comes to topicals the story and detail are a huge factor and I think Crim nailed that a little bit better than slip...so I feel crim got this one
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spume corrupt
Superior Member
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Posted: 09 February 2017 at 11:47pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Crimper FIRST GLANCE AND I'M SEEING A POSSIBLE THEME HERE, LETS SEE! ALSO LOOKING LUKE SOME ELEMENTS COULD BE TOO BASIC AND ALSO SOME BUMPY FLOW THAT IS SORE THUMBS TYPES STAND OUT JUST FIRST IMPRESS COULD BE WRONG? ....... Witness as my fleet of vessels now nestle within the sands, An event even i had wrestled to stop the deserts as it expands, Tried hard to shore it up as if tressle,but it didn't go as planned, The working ppl grinded with a pestle,by the elites own hands, I SEE SOMETHING COULD DEVELOP HERE I LIKE THE VARIOUS WORD CHOICE BUT FEEL YOU ARE SACRAFISING END RHYMES FOR INTERNALS WHEN YOU DO THAT A PIECE OF WORK WILL SUFFER AND A STORY LINE WILL COME ACROSS LESS ORGANIC! IT'S A DECENT START THOUGH I'M STILL OPEN MINDEd here ....... Understand this,pollution is from the taste of greed and wealth, By our own labours and their illusion unknowing helped our self's And no solution from the rich who caused the planets bad health, They stole our rights to evolution with some fake guise and stealth, FOR ME JUST SEEING YOU USE A PHRASE LIKE THE PLANET'S BAD HEALTH!? IT'S OVER CONTRIEVED WORDING WITH EXTRA CHEESE TOPPING NOT CREATING ENOUGH CONNECTION WITH THE PICTURE and the rhyming is a bit basic, underdeveloped ........ See its started in 1945,when the 1st mushroom cloud filled the sky, And no it wasn't a sky full of pie,as 140.000 ppl didn't prepare to die, Then SL1 where business lied,the tears banked and replaced by sighs, 78 an island 3 miles wide this time a Country that nearly made us cry, It's right there fam,. Die/sigh/cry IT'S TOO SIMPLE MAN, AND THE OVERALL WORK IS NOT OF A HIGH ENOUGH QUALITY TO CARRY THAT ...... F/shima/Chernobyl,where circumstance caused defects to gene pools, Where in fallout grasp nothing was sacred from hospitals to schools, We continued on like fools,where investors used the masses as tools, Feinding over the paper they'd drool,but it still burnt up just like us all, War scathed Gaia like a deep open soar,now wild weather patterns roar, That gem now not a planet life would tour,used abused down to her core, All void of life and no masses of land,no seas either she naked and bland, Like an old icon she should be canned,now a grain in darkness she stands, On her now moody clouds pour acid rain, where every drop causes her pain, Winds etch parodys within the grains,all cuz a few couldn't see the real gains, IT'S JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME FAM I can't see enough coherently bunched lines to say I was feeling this one, you had moments HERE but overall it had nothing to make it feel engaging to me and I could not get past the overly simplistic rhyming within...... Slaps First couple looks at this and you got my attention I wanna read on! That's a good start, let's see ................. Quick to get this story rolling with no postponement as a tortured soul unfolds the broken words of a poet if you could only see and feel, be here in the moment pain is the potent component chosen i need you to know it I LIKE THE START HERE MAN, AM HOPING TO SEE HOW THIS BLENDS TO THE PIC, I SEE SOME POTENTIAL SCOPE for it Word CHOICE REALLY HELPS ME GET A PICTURE, IM IMPRESSED SO FAR! ......... eyes peeled open, vivid visuals of each thought abstract emotions, twisted in a sick plot frozen with an image, distracted from the distraught serotonin soars through my mind at the tip top FUCKING REALLY LIKE THis PART RHYMING AND WORD CHOICE TOTALLY WORK FOR ME IT'S LAYERED OUT SO WELL, NO DOUBT THE NEXT SECTION WILL REVEAL ALL YOU SET THIS UP DOPE MAN !!!THAT SEROTONIN LINE? DOPE I think you meant to say detracted? THAT LINE WAS KEY MAN! DOPE WORDING DEFINITELY STAYING IN THE PERAMITER OF THE PIC TOO ............. trickling down my spine rewinding like a re-run this shit don't stop in my head ,never be done always coming back never wants to leave one stone unturned forever going to need some type of high to numb the pain, i cant erase it wondering what you'd be son?, if only you'd of made it AND THAT'S THE FUCKING KILL SHIT Some MIGHT SAY PREDICTABLE! BUT I THINK YOU ARRIVED AT THIS SCENARIO WITH SOME MAD ORIGINAL METHOD.... IT'S IN THE WORDING BRO, I SEE YOU HERE! IT'S FUCKING DOPE THUS FAR! ............... makes it hard to breath, um?, i get choked up cos i hate it resorting back to drugs extremely afraid to face it butterflies in my eyes i keep'em dry without crying escape it all as i fall inhaling while i dive in YOU ARE REALLY WORKING THIS CONCEPT MAN IM STILL IMPRESSED! YOU ARE DELIVERING AN ENGAGING TIMELINE WITH THIS SHIT AND I'M HOOKED ON THE WHOLE THING ....... i'm dying inside reminding myself why trying not to think about, why'd you have to die? on the day you were born i take another puff life's rough my hearts torn, its not enough to mourn in the back of my mind swarmed by all the craziness brain cells fried just from wondering where my baby is i blame it on his mother that woman was a crazy bitch heroin filled syringes in the arm of a pregnant chick your the reason why he's dead and we've never even met the kid your the reason why im high smoking meth like its medicine snorting lines of mescaline just to mask the mess im in on the outside looking in again wishing it was all pretend the animated pictures that im picturing will never end realities to much for me im stuck with this hallucinogen WOW BEST I SEEN YOU DO BRUV SO MANY PARTS WERE TOP TIER POTENTIAL SOME PARTS DID FEEL A BIT INNOCENT, BUT FOR ME THE DELIVERY WAS DOPE AND strong ENOUGH TO HAVE CARRIED THE PLAYED ISH CONCEPT I have to vote Slip here Far ahead the winner in my preference |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 19 February 2017 at 11:31am |
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3-1 Slip. Locked.
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as a tortured soul unfolds the broken words of a
poet