Forum LockedText Battle Archive: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Slip v Sammy (0-2)

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator

Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12327

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Direct Link To This Post Topic: Topical Twist SANDSTORM: Slip v Sammy (0-2)
    Posted: 06 March 2017 at 11:15pm

Topical battle

32 line limit
Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today
Topic is here
Pay attention to the bonus points available this round
.
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 March 2017 at 11:46pm
In. G/L slip


Back to Top
Slip View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 04 June 2013
Location: St Johns. N.L.
Status: Offline
Points: 1612
Crew: Alter Egos

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 14-33-0
Form: LLLWLW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2017 at 1:28am
(ILLiad Vol.5)
The Road To Vengeance 

My birth name was Alanzo Marino, but he died at a young age
after devastation crushed my soul I became the face of rage
An evil entity entered me, the kid I use to be, barely just a memory
 the way I morphed into a monster focusing all my energy
 developing skills I needed, for vengeance is my destiny!!
  laying enimies to sleep unremorseful with no empathy
 sweeping the streets clean, meanest vigilante anybody's ever seen
im Illiad syndicates worst nightmare the way i deliver this lucid dream
bringing your deepest darkest fears to life just to hear you scream
avenging the death of my parents with every spleen that I rupture 
neck that I break throat that I cut fuck you up faster than you can say what
bodies drop like flys as I climb the ladder blood shed splatter
killing'em faster thinning'em out till I catch up with this basterd
 no doubt in my mind when I finally find and capture the Dragon
keep'em barely alive to my satisfaction thriving to see it happen 
 i'm insane gone mad and can't stop laughing as i imagine 
 having a bad reaction, images flashing, things you can't fathom  
blood running down his face after I repeatedly stab'em
one by one till every members pushing daisys
searching for the Dragon no if's and's or maybe's
sooner or later eye to eye I'm going to meet'em
Defeat'em beat'em literally eat'em like a canibal
rip the meat off his bones like a flesh eating animal
savage in my mind extremely inclined to crazyness
blame it on the Dragon I'm a make'em pay for this
rape this bitch the hatreds thick the day will come when I inflict
every type of pain I'm sick his death will be the greatest hit
 assassinate this piece of shit along with Illiads syndicate
and anyone involved will get destroyed for real my threats legit
now show me where this Dragon is so I can check him off my list
I'll spare your live's and let you live but if you don't than God forbid 
The end will never come to grip till I'm completely done with it
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 March 2017 at 5:03am
"Iliad: The Doc"

His wall, a shrine of honor and ego

MIT grad. The doc, highly regarded.

A steeple of Plaques pulsate his office

“A hero of the community. He fought for the people!”

Despite the jazz, his prize possession? jovial portrait of youth

His daughter, Josephine’s

beaming smile….devoid of a tooth

“Love you, daddy”

With the conviction of a crayola refrain

sketched on crumpled stationery;

His American dream…

Firmly placed on a magniloquent mahogany stained desk.

An Iphone 7 reflecting a life of grandeur

But the devil’s in the detail…

And exit when night falls.


Masked are man-made.

Reasons? incidental.

Perhaps a sad place.

Chosen last place as a lad;

Shades of grey enveloping soul…

It takes a doctor’s precision to balance the delicate stroke

Between madness and genius...

colors erode…

He adored the  acclaim…

but more so the rush of the  “stroke’

A “doctor” of two trades: Life and Death.

stainless steel was the tool

As scalpel and slugs juxtapose

Midnight’s morbid milieu


*Riiiinnngggg*

“Hello? Of course. I’ll take care of it. Goodbye”


It wasn’t a flashy getup,

A simple black ensemble etched in mellow

tone. the night, a hellish yellow drone,

as the moon belch a thick glow

The Doc smiled at the night...

as he exit his home…

For tonight, he have a date...…

With a Dragon and Devil.


Back to Top
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator

Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12327

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 March 2017 at 8:27pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


Slip

I liked that your story associated not only with the character of The Dragon (which Dizz created) but it also seemed to follow on from your previous entry to the series. Forgive me, but I just skimmed over Vol. 4 but I get the angle you were going for. Ultimately I'm judging this as a stand-alone piece, but having that integration is a nice added element. For me I think you told a decent story, rhyming was cool but I think your narrative was a bit thin...I think maybe you were trying to create an idea that you were searching for the Dragon because you wanted your vengeance, but at least to me it didn't come off that convincingly or really capturing my interest as a reader. The problem was it came off for me personally as quite repetitive, as every time you mentioned "The Dragon" the story didn't feel like it had progressed much. So I guess either you tried to capture a moment of anger but you just dedicated too many lines too it (32 lines is quite a long piece) or you didn't do a good enough job of constructing a layered narrative that takes the reader on a journey. Not sure what your intention was, but either way there's room for improvement. 

Ultimately this came across as a drop that had solid mechanics and a cool concept but not enough depth or substance to really capture my imagination as a reader and that's really what I look for in these type of drops. So good effort, but room for improvement. 

Sammy

So I also liked how you integrated the other characters and for me you did that in a way that got me a lot more enticed and intrigued as a reader. You managed to create a character who had more depth and left me wondering what would happen next...he's clearly got a "date" with the other 2 assassins who've been introduced but is he hunting them or working alongside them? I kind of read it as he was hunting them, but it could be either way. 

That was what I liked, and now the downsides. For me I didn't particularly enjoy the format. Guess to an extent it's personal philosophies but I look for topicals to "flow to a beat" and this came across more "spoken word" in the dynamics. Maybe I just totally missed something and hold my hands up if I did, but particularly the first stanza I found quite hard going. Where there were rhymes they seemed to be placed in quite strange places (e.g. ego / steeple) - was that meant to be like a half-rhyme? I dunno, it just didn't have that natural flow to me and came off quite awkward. Feel like I'm being hyper-critical now, but some of your details or "colour" seemed a bit gratuitous as well. Like the description of his daughter's picture, I felt that was kind of form following the rhyme which I don't really like, and "conviction of crayola refrain" - like who describes stuff like that? I think that was the over-glossed part of the drop...there were other times where I thought you struck a really strong balance between poetic and description, e.g. etched in mellow/yellow drone. To an extent a lot of that is down to personal preference, but that's my opinion, so hey ho!

Bottom line, I think it's a relatively evenly balanced one for me...I felt like Sammy had some real strong components to his verse & demonstrated a lot of artistic craft and skill. At times it felt over the top and although the middle & end were more finely balanced I did also feel a bit like you didn't really say much given your extension to the 32 line limit. On the flip side, I think Slip was consistent if unremarkable...if he'd had a bit more about his verse from a narrative point of view I'd probably go his way, but I think ultimately 'great technicals probably not applied in a way I would've liked plus very good characterisation' kind of trumps 'decent technicals applied to a decent level in a decent narrative' and therefore Sammy just about gets my vote.

Vote = Sammy
Back to Top
Exoduzt View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar
NaCl

Joined: 08 April 2006
Location: Long Island
Status: Offline
Points: 5331
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 41-7-5
Form: WWWWWW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 March 2017 at 11:38pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


Slip:  You started off pretty decent.  I feel you introduced the character well which I'm assuming is based of your first verse in the series.  I myself wrote my verse based off of your original character as I thought it was pretty compelling.  As for your rhyme scheme I feel it lacks a little of that punch ya know.  As for the story I feel its a bit cut and dry.  It had substance but nothing really jumped out at me.  It kinda just stayed stagnant.  I felt you were gonna make a move and bring a twist to the story but it just didn't get there.  You kinda just stayed in one place with the character and described the characters thoughts in a repetitve way.  Mechanicaly I feel you are really improving from previous things I have seen from you.   My advice to you for future reference is broaden your horizons with your imagination and you will have much more creative stories.  this was a nice drop tho.

Sammy:  First thing that pops out to me is your scheme.  Very unorthadox. I'm still not sure if I'm a fan of it but you always seem to pull it off so I guess I'm the goose there.   You have a way of descriptive writing that I really admire.  The plaques making the room pulsate I thought was very intelligently written.  I love shit like that.  The way you described his daughter in the picture missing the tooth.  Yeah you are on a different plateau that most I must say.  As for the end of that segment altho I loved how it was so descriptive with detail the rhyme and fluidness of it just wasn't all there for me.  Maybe you focused too much on the description that you lacked a bit of execution flow wise?.  In your next segment it was hit and miss with the flow.  I know your poetic but some parts were just hard to get into.  I know thats just my style.  I feel your story at the end could of had a bit more of a strong presence and add a bit of a wow factor.  Again thats just personal preference with the way that I write.

Overall this battle was extremely close.  I feel technically slip had an edge but Sammy had much more going for him in the descriptive writing part.  Damn this is really close.  My vote is gonna go to sammy because of this.  If slip had his story take some type of turn instead of the straight and narrow he would have gotten my vote.  Slip you are drastically improving on this site and should be proud.

MVGT: Sammy

Back to Top
The Law View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
God of the Minions

Joined: 15 June 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 5504

Battle Royale Champ

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 64-8-8
Form: LNWWWW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 March 2017 at 9:01pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


Slip - Technically this was okay. There was a few bars I thought could be worded a bit better for the readability. (eg. An evil entity entered me, the kid I use to be, barely just a memory) That line would read batter as "An evil entity entered me, the kid I use to be is barely a memory" or some form of that. This way it reads smoothly into the next line. Sometimes playing around with words can make the read much smoother for us and make a difference in closer battles. Some of the imagery and ideas you brought throughout the scenes can be extended in the way they were described as well either through proper vocabulary or use of some form of figurative language, wordplay, references etc... (eg. bodies drop like flys as I climb the ladder blood shed splatter) The drop like flys simile and blood shed splatter imagery comes off very simplistic. If you want to take that to the next level be a tad more creative with it and think outside the box. Even in a story-based topical you can have some of the same 'battle approached' creativity to it that will really paint the picture for the readers. That and of course there is no transition in that line "climb the ladder blood shed splatter". Aside from the simplicity and a few polish mistakes as I said the technicalities of the drop were okay. 
As for the story I enjoyed this to a point. I felt it got stuck somewhere in the middle and never really transitioned and progressed properly throughout the story. It lacked to display the depth and understanding behind what really is driving your character and rather used most of your verse continuing to say that your going after the dragon. (capture the dragon, searching for the dragon, blame it on the dragon). I felt the end was a bit abrupt as well. It is a plus, however, that in the closing few bars I did feel like I wanted to know what happens next. 

Sammy - Technicalities, for the way you approached this with the structure and style of writing I thought you did great being able to both give us some character depth and tell the story. However, I feel this also limited you to having a nice rhythm throughout. It's possible it's just the way that I am reading through your verse but it seems a bit jumpy to me. Some sections like the doctors precision did roll of the tongue, but it definitely wasn't like that for me throughout the whole verse. You had some imagery and Vocab to paint us pictures of some of the details sometimes a little overboard, but it worked nonetheless. 
On to the story aspect of your verse, which went hand in hand with your description as I felt you did a good job showing the readers the scene. Really loved the first 4 lines to bring the character of 'the doc' about right away. That was very well done from a character driven story standpoint. And really the one line you wrote describes both your character 'the doc' and his story (A “doctor” of two trades: Life and Death.). And as the same with slip I did leave your verse feeling like I wanted to know what was next as well. And if you think of this as just stand by itself piece without going off of others drops, I loved how it almost seems borderline he end up being a killer or a mortician if the story continued.

MVGT: Sammy - Granted this is going to be 3-0 now this was a good showing by both of you. I thought Sammy did a bit better with the creative side of the writing and because of that it also allowed his characters story to be carried across better.
Go my Minions!


Back to Top
Rutter knows best View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 15 March 2014
Location: Manny hood
Status: Offline
Points: 4529
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Champ

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 44-12-0
Form: WWWWLW
Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 March 2017 at 9:46pm
Sammy wins 3-0 K.O
#bananas
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down