Forum LockedText Battle Archive: Topical Twist TORNADO: Alice v Spume (2-3)

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Topical Twist TORNADO: Alice v Spume (2-3)
    Posted: 14 December 2016 at 7:39pm
Topical battle
32 line limit
Topic = Under the Sea
Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 January 2017 at 11:37pm
A lament lays its dulcet sound
- like it’s stroking on a crest!
(on) its seven days of putrid ground
‘fore the ocean’s pond is red

'It's missing, mummy!', 'are you sure, honey?'
'shovel's there, but the bucket's gone..it's not a pair!
'but it's too dark in any case dear, 
come on, we're almost at the pier'

a manic play’s her hue of dawn
- like it’s pouring out of jest!
some better days are newly found
‘fore she opens up the chest..
 
'but make sure you got your swimmies, honey'
'I almost got the ABC. I'm not silly, mummy!
plus Flounder's there!! It only gets really funny
when the water tickles my tummy!'

‘Mum, your eyes are GIANT open!’
‘Wide awoken’, she replied through 
a frightful frowning
trying to oblige the notion
of pious approvals. tipped the lye on nostrils 
her iris's soaked in hydrocodone
‘mummy's gonna dive in oceans’.
the voice lied upon the night’s bemoaning
a choice cried upon her life’s precaution
her coy, lively soul strives threefold as
Nicole’s trying to fight her preconscious..
..with two souls, vacating under the sea. 

a remnant stays aloof at dawn
- like it's strolling on a quest!
pending rest till the culprit's found..
..approved, when the culprit's in your head




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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 12:00am
Mother's last words with the living, before sliding into sleep 
"Son if you gotta go swimming, don't be diving in too deep"
But I was sunk from the beginning, too blind to even seen
That speech would be the anchor binded to my feet
Picture 
A shackled man walked the plank, plunged in head first 
See when I drank I near burst, like a Sponge might get thirst
I even sank far enough, my look was drunk for breakfast!
You know you're properly hooked, overcoming a Net first

Plunge these depths, it gets worse! 
My hussle was weak stock
My spineless life was Limp -it was no Mussel to speak of
 So just find my troubled wife badly battered like cheap Cod 
Sure there's plenty more fish But I like the one I can beat on 
Someone to lean on, as I am conquered by  fathoms of the deep
Every morning a rising monster, like a Krakens been released 
A beautiful thing that's dying slowly as is happening with Reefs 
And no Great Barrier against my waves, the Captain of her grief 
Smacked up off her feet!!! She's resigned to keep on falling 
I was the Shark she chanced to meat, designer teeth for mauling 
A darker World as I cut deep and the violence was appalling 
To me the screaming sounded sweet, until I heard the (Seirens) calling

No Woman Should Be Meh Made! 

My mind was not for schooling, Cos Octopie don't need'a know about suckers
But I was only living a lie, and it was one I wasn't showing my brothers
Sea that's why I was drowning,...............I was so under cover
Know she''s dead where is she going?
Yep I'm throwing her over
Think she's going alone there?
Nope this is where I did good
Step in a puddle of my trouble,......It's like Mariana Trench Foot

Under The Sea


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 12:41am

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Alice:
A lament lays its dulcet sound
- like it’s stroking on a crest!
(on) its seven days of putrid ground
‘fore the ocean’s pond is red

'It's missing, mummy!', 'are you sure, honey?'
'shovel's there, but the bucket's gone..it's not a pair!
'but it's too dark in any case dear, 
come on, we're almost at the pier'
Okay, nice opener, the first segment was raw.... The second is ok for starting the story....
a manic play’s her hue of dawn
- like it’s pouring out of jest!
some better days are newly found
‘fore she opens up the chest..
 
'but make sure you got your swimmies, honey'
'I almost got the ABC. I'm not silly, mummy!
plus Flounder's there!! It only gets really funny
when the water tickles my tummy!'
lol, nice imagery.... I can see mother and son out at see.... good flow, good story....
‘Mum, your eyes are GIANT open!’
‘Wide awoken’, she replied through 
a frightful frowning
trying to oblige the notion
of pious approvals. tipped the lye on nostrils 
her iris's soaked in hydrocodone
‘mummy's gonna dive in oceans’.
the voice lied upon the night’s bemoaning
a choice cried upon her life’s precaution
her coy, lively soul strives threefold as
Nicole’s trying to fight her preconscious..
..with two souls, vacating under the sea. 

a remnant stays aloof at dawn
- like it's strolling on a quest!
pending rest till the culprit's found..
..approved, when the culprit's in your head
decent ending.... your creativity is on point, but the flow got a little shaky....

Overall this was a great verse..... Your flow was good until it started to fall off at the end..... You painted a decent picture, and your creativity was nice...... The only problem I had is I feel you didn't deliver a good ending to the story..... it just seemed like there should have been more too it..... Try to be more descriptive in your verses..... This was good though overall I'd say 7.5/10.... good work....


Spume:
Mother's last words with the living, before sliding into sleep 
"Son if you gotta go swimming, don't be diving in too deep"
But I was sunk from the beginning, too blind to even seen
That speech would be the anchor binded to my feet
Picture 
A shackled man walked the plank, plunged in head first 
See when I drank I near burst, like a Sponge might get thirst
I even sank far enough, my look was drunk for breakfast!
You know you're properly hooked, overcoming a Net first
Okay opener, the first 4 lines were dope.... Your flow was a little off in the last few though.... Nice creativity and good imagery though.....
Plunge these depths, it gets worse! 
My hussle was weak stock
My spineless life was Limp -it was no Mussel to speak of
 So just find my troubled wife badly battered like cheap Cod 
Sure there's plenty more fish But I like the one I can beat on 
Someone to lean on, as I am conquered by  fathoms of the deep
Every morning a rising monster, like a Krakens been released 
A beautiful thing that's dying slowly as is happening with Reefs 
And no Great Barrier against my waves, the Captain of her grief 
Smacked up off her feet!!! She's resigned to keep on falling 
I was the Shark she chanced to meat, designer teeth for mauling 
A darker World as I cut deep and the violence was appalling 
To me the screaming sounded sweet, until I heard the (Seirens) calling
This is good, your painting a nice picture, your flow is on point and you've got nice creativity....
No Woman Should Be Meh Made! 

My mind was not for schooling, Cos Octopie don't need'a know about suckers
But I was only living a lie, and it was one I wasn't showing my brothers
Sea that's why I was drowning,...............I was so under cover
Know she''s dead where is she going?
Yep I'm throwing her over
Think she's going alone there?
Nope this is where I did good
Step in a puddle of my trouble,......It's like Mariana Trench Foot
Okay ending, this should have been executed better, seemed rushed....


Overall this was a great verse.... Your beginning and middle were dope, but your ending kind of slacked off a bit, almost as if you rushed it.....  Your flow stayed good throughout and delivered nicely.....  The enjoyment I got from your verse was enough to make this one slightly better..... Nice approach on the topic and good story homie..... 8/10


Vote- Spume

Reason-  This was a tough decision, a very close battle in my opinion..... Both came with nice verses, yet both seemed to slack at the end...... I feel like you both rushed it and it made for a poor ending...... So I had to go with who started their verse better, and for me I feel Spume started better..... He flowed better, and I had more enjoyment out of his..... This was a great battle though.... The hardest one to decide the winner for me...... good work both of you though..... I wish you didn't rush your endings though, because I feel that could have changed the outcome of this battle...... Either way good job both of you and hope to see a better laid out verse next week...... good work.....

Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3
Regular Text= 0-1
Alias= 0-1
Topical= 1-0
Horrorcore= 1-0

Overall= 3-5
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 1:34am

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Another a great pair of verses,

Alice:
Some first class poetry shit right here,
Not a style I usually favour as I'm just a simple soul who just likes rhyming words with other words, and am often put off by the more high-brow type of approach.
But I found this to be thoroughly enjoyable.
Loved the way the rhyme schemes intertwined like the first and third stanzas:

A lament lays its dulcet sound
- like it’s stroking on a crest!
(on) its seven days of putrid ground
‘fore the ocean’s pond is red

a manic play’s her hue of dawn
- like it’s pouring out of jest!
some better days are newly found
‘fore she opens up the chest..

That was tight as hell.

Great imagery throughout,
And if I'm reading it right, one pretty dark piece,
Great job.


The Spume:

Mother's last words with the living, before sliding into sleep
"Son if you gotta go swimming, don't be diving in too deep"
But I was sunk from the beginning, too blind to even seen
That speech would be the anchor binded to my feet

Wow, what an opener.
In fact set the tone for a very slick and punchy verse.
Another decent story with some gems when it comes to the turn of phrase.

... Like
my look was drunk for breakfast!
And
badly battered like cheap Cod

I enjoyed this a lot,
not feeling the second half as much as the start, but I get it that you were against the deadline on this.
Also not sure if it need the wordplay, and not feeling the Meh Made.


Again, very close call, and I find my self changing my mind on this as I write.
Both top notch drops, but MFVGT AliceWonder


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 6:54pm

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Quote A lament lays its dulcet sound

- like it’s stroking on a crest!

(on) its seven days of putrid ground

‘fore the ocean’s pond is red

 

So right off the bat, I can see this a poem not a verse. From what I understand, we are writing verses here. So this is like bringing the wrong tool for the job if im being honest. For a poem, the intro is cool, for a verse. . it does nothing for me.

 

Quote 'It's missing, mummy!', 'are you sure, honey?'

'shovel's there, but the bucket's gone..it's not a pair!

'but it's too dark in any case dear,

come on, we're almost at the pier'

 

a manic play’s her hue of dawn

- like it’s pouring out of jest!

some better days are newly found

‘fore she opens up the chest..

 

So, in the first section, we get to some dialogue and a character emerges . . . we get to the end of the pier, and nothing is supported under it because in the next section, we go back to a poem.

 

Quote 'but make sure you got your swimmies, honey'

'I almost got the ABC. I'm not silly, mummy!

plus Flounder's there!! It only gets really funny

when the water tickles my tummy!'

 

now back to dialogue, between two characters we have yet to establish anything about. Why should I even care about these two? Not only that, the narration in this section is sort of silly. . like mummy

 

Quote ‘Mum, your eyes are GIANT open!’

‘Wide awoken’, she replied through

a frightful frowning

trying to oblige the notion

of pious approvals. tipped the lye on nostrils

her iris's soaked in hydrocodone

‘mummy's gonna dive in oceans’.

the voice lied upon the night’s bemoaning

a choice cried upon her life’s precaution

her coy, lively soul strives threefold as

Nicole’s trying to fight her preconscious..

..with two souls, vacating under the sea.

 

And. . now back to an inside poem. Its killing the pace, other then some pretty metaphors in between weaker sections. . its doing nothing so far to help this body of work. In context of poetry, its good. But im looking for flow and multis and internals and this format just does not provide any of the criteria that we need as a reader.  

 

Quote a remnant stays aloof at dawn

- like it's strolling on a quest!

pending rest till the culprit's found..

..approved, when the culprit's in your head

 

This stands well on its own as a poem, and I sound like im speaking in repetitions here. I know my feedback is probably coming off a bit harsh, but if poetry is what I wanted, I would have signed up for a poetry league. You have to make a choice at some point, because im only being straight when I say this format in a topical league is only going to continue to lose you battles. You have great vocabulary, you have great creative wording, you the skillsets. . now, you just need to better transition those poetic skillsets into a format that will win you topical battles.

 

Spume,

All my complaints are actually fairly mild in comparison. There was parts here and there that I didn’t like.

 

“See when I drank I near burst, like a Sponge might get thirst” is worded a bit akward. In fact, when I say it out loud, it makes no sense. Don’t let the end rhymes completely dictate you, or it will force you to have to reach

 

Quote Sure there's plenty more fish But I like the one I can beat on

Someone to lean on, as I am conquered by  fathoms of the deep

Every morning a rising monster, like a Krakens been released

A beautiful thing that's dying slowly as is happening with Reefs

And no Great Barrier against my waves, the Captain of her grief

 

I really enjoyed this section here.

 

At the end, it seems like your foot came off the gas a bit. Almost like you were pressed for time and rushed it some.

 

All in all, this was a pretty easy decision for me. Obviously by my feed, I was put off by the poem format. Even though I don’t list categories, there are several categories that I judge by. Vocabulary, flow, multis, story/concept, creativity, overall entertainment etc. . . Alice obviously has good vocabulary and I enjoyed the metaphors in the context of a poem. . but story, flow, and multis obviously go to Spume. . .

 

Creativity. . lets call a tie just for the hell of it. . .

 

Entertainment. . Spume’s character had more to invest in as well as the story. There was a lot more action happening and many more sequences giving it layers and more depth.

 

So, before closing with my vote, im not trying to be overly critical as much as im just trying to help. Complete the transition from Poetry to Topical Text and you will be a beast Alice. You are 90% there. Now you just need to learn a better scheme to work for you.

 

Vote – Spume 

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 8:09pm
S Dubb, same applies here (as Endeavor battle)...admittedly this one was a tougher task as the poetic style makes it a bit denser to interpret.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 January 2017 at 11:03pm

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Alice:

First off, you've gotten so much better than when you were first around so kudos on that. You covered the topic well, but I think you made a big mistake in switching between poetic descriptive parts and more rap based spoken bits. The poetic bits were actually really good, and if you'd done the whole verse like that you'd have probably knocked this one out of the park. The conversational parts for me though really didn't come off well, and as such brought the value of the whole piece down. In terms of technical ability, I think you went a little too far with use of more exotic words and it made bits sound a little rigid. The whole less is more concept really sums that up quite well. It wasn't a bad effort by any means, but ultimately you took a gamble in the way you split it, and it just didn't pay off this time.

Spume:

I liked where you took the topic, a little outside of the box and perhaps not what people would've thought of when they saw what Cuba tasked you with. You kept it on point, and relevant with your sea based word play (never thought I'd say that). You flowed really well in this too, from the opening lines I figured it would be a really well written and composed verse, and I wasn't wrong. The rhyming, along with how you laid out the verse meant that it didn't get stuck in places, or fall off pace. A well worked piece, and good effort overall.


Quite an easy decision in this one for me, Alice don't be disheartened you've come along way from when I first saw you. Ultimately you lost due to the risk you took, and Spume being a very good writer. I maintain what I said though, had you kept to the poetic side all through it would've been a very good verse from you. Ultimately when it comes to topical battles if you take an L don't take it as a knock back, and think how it would be received as a stand alone piece in the OM. I honestly think you should take your verse, cut out the conversational parts, replace them with more poetic ones and put it in the OM for feedback. I'm confident you'll get very positive reviews. Anyway, as for the battle:

MVGT/ Spume
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2017 at 8:47pm
Still looking for vote(s) here.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2017 at 7:46pm

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I'm not going to do a bar by bar breakdown as I feel both drops should be seen as a whole and certain elements get missed out without the context of the following bar. So yes.

Alice:

You got some flak for the parts which are written in cursive. People thought they we're written more like poetry and less like Hip Hop and I don't feel that's fair. The cursive parts should be flowed faster compared to the two verses and then they read lullaby like while holding Hip Hop at its core. Which is exactly the vibe you wanted to give off I feel. You're describing a mentally unstable woman who is about to kill herself and her son and I feel the lullaby vibe which you give in the cursive parts adds so much more character to the piece which you have dropped. It's adds to the atmosphere of insanity, a dark place, the cold and unforgiving water etc. 

Imagery has always been your strong point and you proved that right here again. The piece, to me, was solid from start to finish.

Spume:

Real talk, I was pretty impressed with what you dropped here, especially the second verse. To me that's where you piece really started to come alive. You have some clever wordplay hidden there and the imagery is solid throughout. The last verse came off pretty rushed as everything happened so suddenly, but I did like the set up to the last line. That's some pretty dope writing right there. Oh, I forgot to mention the first verse. Uhhhh... I thoroughly enjoyed the "That speech" line as you really built upon that. Man. All I can say is that this is a very dope piece.

MVGT: Alice

It's a very tough battle to vote on because both of you came off strong here. Spume gave us a story where it started from the middle to the end where the imagery was solid throughout but the closer felt rushed to me. Alice gave a scene of a story which is incredibly detailed, atmospheric and vivid. When voting for topical battles that's what I look for. Who can present the story the best way with as much elements as possible (atmosphere, depth, twist bla bla) and to me Alice did that. This most certainly does not take away that Spume dropped a very impressive piece.

That's all, folks.

#Bananas

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 January 2017 at 7:09pm

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Right...I'll get this show closed down then.

Alice

I'm kind of on the Rhetorical side of the argument here. I think if you're gonna topical battle then the principle should be that it should be written like a rap that'll land on a beat, or at least work a capella. For me this was too far towards the poetry side of the spectrum (though I do acknowledge and respect there's not much between a capella & spoken word as a form). I think mainly due to your vocab selection this made it quite hard for me as a reader to appreciate. I like to be taken on an emotional journey with a story, or at least feel captivated by the narrative. Whilst you had a progressive narrative here your vocab selection made it feel quite dense (in terms of heavy, not dumb) and I had a real hard time reading this. I personally felt like I had to decipher it, which makes me have to really concentrate and that detracts from my enjoyment. I had to ask Endeeze what the story was & even after he'd explained it to me I still don't really fully think I get taken on that emotional journey. Like I didn't really feel like I had any connection to the characters. 

All that said, I felt you had some real nice components to this, the repetition of the rhyme scheme in the smaller segments was really nice. I really liked the moments when I felt the veil dropped and we got to some of the simpler moments, like the part where you talked about the waves hitting the stomach being ticklish, or that the moment when you referenced Flounder. Again, a nice touch & real good characterisation. The overall story was a great idea & a really sharp/poignant interpretation of the topic (especially since you clearly got the 'Little Mermaid' spin implied). 

But yeah, overall, I think it was a good piece of poetry but I didn't feel there were enough elements in here to convince me it was a real strong overall topical drop. You have the weapons in your arsenal, I'd like to see you really give it a real go as a topical verse with a connected rhythm/flow.

Spume

Don't recall seeing anything other than a battle type verse from you (even crew collabs are a similar type of thing) and I was impressed. Normally you seem to stretch your lines out somewhat to cram the content in. This obviously didn't suffer from that, there were some really sweet segments in terms of rhythm/flow that I'd really like to see you apply to your battle style. For me that approach would strengthen your hits. As for this, for me it did swing in and out of that pure fluidity...the part Rhetorical highlighted was a particular moment, for example. That said, I thought you had some Chain-esque wording, that part when you talked about "Kraken been released" I thought was mega dope. In all honesty when you started off with the plays in the beginning I was kind of wondering if you'd be able to sustain that all the way through, the wife beating component really added that depth to it (& you kind of got me hooked as a reader with the opening, mother dying and passing on those final words was a real delicate setup for what was to follow). 

The ending I enjoyed from a narrative perspective but I think it was kind of lacking from an execution point of view. I think that, plus some of the slight disjointedness in terms of the rhythm of a whole verse is what separates it from being a really good verse to being a real top verse. The originality and creativity behind your drop was pretty darn dope & I personally really enjoyed the range of quality of the plays & imagery that you brought to the table here. 

For me I echo the thoughts of many of the others who voted for Spume...I think Alice did her thing, which is to be respected but ultimately I just enjoyed Spume's approach and verse on some many more levels and therefore to me it was a pretty clear win for him. 

Vote = Spume

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