Text Battle Archive: Topical Twist TORNADO: Endeavour v Sky (3-0)

Topical battle
32 line limit
Topic = You wake up in an empty hospital, with no idea how you got there

Her eyes opened with a frightful gaze, what is this spiteful place?
The wise fairy would say: "Close your eyelids, Grace...

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Sky I thought you verse was good overall,you had a tempo/flow
that made for a pacey and effortless read,the actual contents
were decent,but this piece did suffer due to the lack of some
details,because of this the piece had a spatial read and feel,
it read like you was going through the motions here,which gave
this drop a lack of depth and direction,it just didn't seem to
progress much within the story,for me a topical should be laden
with details,imagery is important as it lifts a piece and builds
appeal,also consistency in a story line is a good key to work
with within a topical,which also seemed to be a little on the
redundant side aswell,although I thought the general bounce
and vibe of this drop was a highlight in itself,it did suffer by
not gaining a foot hold earlier in this drop,this verse however is
not all gloom,you did have some clever lines within piece and they
did standout when deployed..

Endeavour I like the references scattered through this verse of
yours here,and the details that expressed them was also delivered
we'll too,this piece was a vivid read there were images in my head
as I read,the vocab and tempo along with the topic in hand which i
believe made for a tasty storyline,that caught my attention from the
off,not only is your offering well written and displayed, it was also
cleverly done,like the inclusions of some reality with emotions that
added a suspense feel to this verse,it felt in parts metaphorical too
but with a clear purpose to the contents,the thing that also gave it
readability was you provided in parts a back story to the characters,
that was a nice touch in depiction there..

Overall I feel Endeavour was too strong this day for Sky,he's writing
skill was interesting aswell as pleasing,Sky you just didn't seem to
really get going here,you seemed to just churn this out and then hoped
for the best like a punt even,but props to both as they both had an
entertainment value attached..

Vote..Endeavour..peace.

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Sky: Solid go at this concept. Technique wise: I kind of wanted more complexity. I applaud your efforts at half rhymes, and playing with the flow. But most of the verse was quite simple, needed more internals or even alliteration, etc. Story wise: I feel you weren't sure where to take it, there seemed a few good ideas that didn't necessarily link together. Don't get me wrong, it was a good read, but i've got to constructively analyse to find a winner. So props. Fave bar was the heart of Senegal one.

End: This is your bread and better, and your verse had me interested. Technique wise: for the cons, there were a couple of forced rhymes in the second part. However, on the pros, i loved how you made each bar flow in to the next, even if you had to switch up the structure. Story wise: You kept it exciting, and never let the ball drop for a second. The social and historocal references were nice also. First 2 bars of the second section were my fave.

Mvgt: End.