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Cuba 
Senior Moderator 
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
 Topic: Topical Twist TORNADO: Endeavour v Spume (3-2)Posted: 13 January 2017 at 8:00pm |
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Topical battle
32 line limit Topic = Pick any one of the five images here (posting your chosen image BEFORE your verse) Deadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today .
Edited by Endeavor - 08 February 2017 at 7:43pm |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Posted: 15 January 2017 at 9:21pm |
 "Am I crazy? Insane? Or creative?!" Natives are nothing but rain dancing pagans! "Their fragrance remind me of my favorite waitress She stood in the rain impatient, taking my order saying I'm tasteless" But she's an Apache - flagrant and me the cowboy full hatred! "I once bought a watch so I could see the time ticking A baby came and went, now the cogs are slipping All wrong and shifting, my thoughts admissions A strong addiction to enter and lose your own ambition" The horse rider was blazing till I shot her, no one to aid her But as she fell the ground was quaking and so was my heart Cause through the debris came her anger until I was a stranger HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!!! In comes the ranger... Remove me from my table, the burger is damp and I don't like the waiter "I was so in love, officer! My pipe was puffing butterflies They flew inside my nose to extract the pollen that's on my mind Blossomed through my psyche to find Cupid in the sky Lethal arrow through her head and now everything but her flies!" "My holy mission to foster children but my own coughed like pistons I gave a load, a billion Vitamin D which turned me from GOAT to villain You know I killed him..." I don't want to stay here... Ever since she left it ain't been the same here... Take me where the saints care... And where the pillars in my mind don't crumble from pain and fear... "No amount of penicillin, heart compresses or medicine in him Could've saved him and she looked at me... Grinning Her grimace turned into something wicked, chilling As we both realized his soul left that innocent prison" "Hey everyone, did you know that without her I would die? I'm going home now so I can forever stare in the coldest eyes" Every day is the same because insanity is repetition My son died and wife left and we're in my head... Forever imprisoned |
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#Bananas
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spume corrupt
Superior Member 
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Posted: 30 January 2017 at 12:04am |
 COME NO CLOSER!!!!! ............................ Death hangs in the balance Every carcass that's on my land was demanding a challenge, or some bright spark with a plan, That should've abandoned all malice! Fore.. I am a man who is ravaged! with a darkness that's madness, See my hands they are calloused! I am parched I am famished! so before you even start to start I will impart impartial damage Before I share with you my brothers, see I haven't a lot! Look about at this disaster, there's no cattle, no crops And since my prayers have gone unanswered and I'm not shackled to god I suggest every one of you bastards, just start backing off!............ PALM FACED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must show you the palm, see all that's left here is empty It's my right to bare arms! I will discharge if you tempt me! This is not just my farm, this is my land! And I ban you from entry! My family will come to no harm, if I stand as their sentry THIS ISN'T HATE!!!!!!!!!! That's not what I resonate This is when shit hits the fan and lands on your dinner plate It's just we've been in no giving state since the collision date That decision made' to the brink of slaughter and obliterate Now we can't even afford to drink water, or to irrigate That's why I will show you no quarter if you think to intimidate Nothing to give away, and I will not deliberate!! Seems now we can all understand dismay, and truly know we've been punched hard dumped off And just when we thought we was playing our Trump card Edited by Cuba - 31 January 2017 at 9:48pm |
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S Dubb
Groupie 
Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 05 February 2017 at 8:58am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Endeavor: "Am I crazy? Insane? Or creative?!" Natives are nothing but rain dancing pagans! "Their fragrance remind me of my favorite waitress She stood in the rain impatient, taking my order saying I'm tasteless" But she's an Apache - flagrant and me the cowboy full hatred! "I once bought a watch so I could see the time ticking A baby came and went, now the cogs are slipping All wrong and shifting, my thoughts admissions A strong addiction to enter and lose your own ambition" Nice opener, I like the way your showing different view-points..... Very creative and a great way to do this topic.... Great imagination here as well, nice start..... The horse rider was blazing till I shot her, no one to aid her But as she fell the ground was quaking and so was my heart Cause through the debris came her anger until I was a stranger HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!!! In comes the ranger... Remove me from my table, the burger is damp and I don't like the waiter "I was so in love, officer! My pipe was puffing butterflies They flew inside my nose to extract the pollen that's on my mind Blossomed through my psyche to find Cupid in the sky Lethal arrow through her head and now everything but her flies!" "My holy mission to foster children but my own coughed like pistons I gave a load, a billion Vitamin D which turned me from GOAT to villain You know I killed him..." This is raw, The imagery here is excellent..... I can picture this well, it's kind of like some sort of John Wayne western..... Great job with creativity here homie, really enjoying this drop so far..... I don't want to stay here... Ever since she left it ain't been the same here... Take me where the saints care... And where the pillars in my mind don't crumble from pain and fear... "No amount of penicillin, heart compresses or medicine in him Could've saved him and she looked at me... Grinning Her grimace turned into something wicked, chilling As we both realized his soul left that innocent prison" "Hey everyone, did you know that without her I would die? I'm going home now so I can forever stare in the coldest eyes" Every day is the same because insanity is repetition My son died and wife left and we're in my head... Forever imprisoned Nice ending..... Great way to stop the story...... This shows true remorce and pain that this man is going through..... Painted a nice picture, and ended this story nicely, good work Overall this was a very enjoyable verse, start to finish...... Great job, very creative...... I enjoyed how you told this story with 3 different points of view...... Your imagination was very impressive here, and you delivered it well...... This almost seemed as if it were going to be all over the place and hard to follow, but it wasn't at all...... The entire verse went together smoothly and was an easy, enjoyable read...... You were very creative...... You stayed on topic throughout and produced a great verse, good job...... Spume: COME NO CLOSER!!!!! ............................ Death hangs in the balance Every carcass that's on my land was demanding a challenge, or some bright spark with a plan, That should've abandoned all malice! Fore.. I am a man who is ravaged! with a darkness that's madness, See my hands they are calloused! I am parched I am famished! so before you even start to start I will impart impartial damage Nice opener..... Good start to the story, I also enjoy the simple lines that are still descriptive and use great detail...... Flows smoothly and set up nicely, good work..... Before I share with you my brothers, see I haven't a lot! Look about at this disaster, there's no cattle, no crops And since my prayers have gone unanswered and I'm not shackled to god I suggest every one of you bastards, just start backing off!............ Okay, the first 3 lines were raw, but then it started to fall a bit flat in my opinion...... Your detail and creativeness started lacking..... PALM FACED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must show you the palm, see all that's left here is empty It's my right to bare arms! I will discharge if you tempt me! This is not just my farm, this is my land! And I ban you from entry! My family will come to no harm, if I stand as their sentry Okay, nice..... Your creativity came back strong here..... I enjoy this section...... The delivery here was nice and on point...... You did a great job picking back up..... THIS ISN'T HATE!!!!!!!!!! That's not what I resonate This is when shit hits the fan and lands on your dinner plate It's just we've been in no giving state since the collision date That decision made' to the brink of slaughter and obliterate Now we can't even afford to drink water, or to irrigate That's why I will show you no quarter if you think to intimidate Raw, this is by far the best section of the verse...... Creative, and imaginative..... The flow is on point and the topic was well delivered here..... Nice..... Nothing to give away, and I will not deliberate!! Seems now we can all understand dismay, and truly know we've been punched hard dumped off And just when we thought we was playing our Trump card Decent ending, but it kind of lacked a powerful punch..... You sort of ended flatly, nothing that stood out..... This was decent just feel you ended this kind of plainly..... Overall this was a good verse...... There were a lot of ups and downs throughout this verse..... I feel like you weren't consistent enough throughout the story..... You came raw and very descriptive in some places, as to where other sections seemed to simplistic and flat...... I like the story you told and thought you done a great job in delivering your plot...... The flow stayed nice and the story was easy to follow...... My only issue with this verse is the fact that you couldn't stay consistent in creativity and your delivery...... Vote- Endeavor The reason Endeavor got my vote is because of his creativity...... The way he told his story and delivered it was nice and something different then anyone elses verse...... So in my opinion that made his verse more creative and it was more enjoyable of a read for me...... Also the fact that Spume didn't stay consistent throughout his verse also had a major affect on my vote..... Had Spume came like he did in the fourth section I broke down my vote may have been different, but his lack of consistency and Endeavor's creativity in this one made my decision easy..... Good battle both of you and very enjoyable reads, good work y'all...... keep at it........ |
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Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3 Regular Text= 0-1 Alias= 0-1 Topical= 1-0 Horrorcore= 1-0 Overall= 3-5 |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 08 February 2017 at 6:24pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. End: Colors fonts and word placements will not affect my vote and it shouldn't for anyone else either. I get what you were doing with it but its all about the words not the bells and the whistles. I hope other voters will follow suit. don't get me wrong cus it wont take away from your verse either. I just wanted to point that out. I focus strictly on the words if that makes any sense lol. Now for your verse....It was pretty awesome. This was written with intelligence. Which you are known for. This made the reader think not once or twice but even more than that. Your abstract way of story telling can be annoying and dope as fuck at the same time. Sometimes its better to say more than less and sometimes it isn't. Technical wise that pain and fear line didnt match at all. It ruined the whole flow of things. It was a pretty cool verse. I wish you would focus on details more within the story. Maybe stop trying to make the reader think too much and just be blunt about it in a creative way. Spume: You really stepped out of your comfort zone and I feel it is working for you beyond just battling. Spume I am beyond impressed with your topical status. How come you haven't been doing this all along? that pisses me off to be honest but wont affect my vote. The rhyme scheme is so different than what I am use to but you nailed it. The flow and the story line is pretty amazing. You progressed as you went on. The rhyming was fluid and the story to the picture is even more amazing. You killed the picture. the trump card ending fit well.. MVGT: Spume....this was a great pic battle...one of the best I have seen lately. End you came with it hard and I thought you had the win but Spume out did himself..with his rhyme scheme. Yeah I have to go with spume on this..
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 16 February 2017 at 7:43pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Endeavour,very colourful verse in more ways than one here,and also very poetic too, the content/vocab throughout this piece was ripe,and I'm sure amongst the cryptic nature there was some references also,this piece touches on death love as well as children,and its all in his head,on reading I could invission turmoil of a man's tortured mind,which was expressed well really overall,at first I thought it seemed like a sort of Ghostrider theme occurring,as in the opening there was a western scenario,where your a cowboy and she was an Apache,then there was the slayings as if your character was a serial killer,in fact I think you character maybe mentally ill,or suffering from grandeur of some sorts,anyways this piece had some really good imagery projected at us the reader,I also like the blending of old and new concept in the rammberlings here aswell, the way in which you displayed this was in steps,(like a diary entry) a good innovation that,and as i stated (^^up there somewhere) the turmoil showed some very good emotion,(a man who has a heart who carries a deep blame,is a tortured man indeed) , well done a solid an a very enjoyable read..props. Spume loving the flow here with the short lines,real easy on the eye,seems to let you read at pace and still not miss any details in the process,you stressed your words very well and pulled them out of shape to say more than their intended purpose via the line lengths,which for me was a ripe piece of creativity/added tempo on the whole of this piece,there was a lot of detail relating to the picture here,and the rhyme scheme along with the angles were a joy really,your story was interesting also kept me peeled throughout this verse,this drop felt very deliberate in its direction/approach,it had a meaning/message attached too,a show of being strong and stout to keep all that belongs to you safe,the imagery here gave my a good concise picture of the scene you were creating,I really enjoyed this pieces vibrant slant aswell,and in l honesty, this is probably the best topical verse i've read from you,and it's really good to boot also,this will give me a headache when deciding a winner for sure,so props my man.. Overall a really good tussle here guys,a contrast in styles that just seemed to cancel each other out,but to be honest I did enjoy both pieces,but I think Spume edged this for me,his verse was clean and balanced with good creative wording,on that bombshell I'm giving him the nod here, props to both.. Vote..Spume..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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alicewonder
Standard Member 
Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
Posted: 21 February 2017 at 9:02pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Endeavor - You used a somewhat unconventional scheme in order to depict the three 'perspectives', which I appreciate. The flow didn't suffer from the structure, it actually aided the transition to the different 'states' here. So, it was rather enjoyable scheme-wise, although I'd have liked to see some stronger switch ups, but that's just preference. I could only spot one very minor 'break' (although it wasn't even really a break in that sense) within the scheme, at the 'fear and pain' line, which has been mentioned already. But that didn't affect the overall smoothness, imo. The content seemed abstract at some spaces (to me at least). The beginning was very intriguing - how you introduce the scenery in his head in a rather subtle way only to reveal it in the end was done very well, as I thought, it didn't lose its intrigue. The highlight for me was the imagery you employed, though. Along with the poetic tale and the progression of the narrative. My favourite stanza was the 'watch' one. The vocabulary you used and your diction overall felt natural, which can only aid a heavy piece like this. Good work overall. Spume - I think this is only the second verse I've seen from you so far and I'm thoroughly impressed. The technical consistency was a highlight of its own, imo. Although there was, just like in your opponent's verse, a very minor break in the last line of the 'palm faced' segment. The language you used throughout was relevant yet vivid at the same time. The real highlight to me, though, was the undertone you incorporated and I liked your overall take on the picture. Even though it was relatively predictable, at least to me from the 'cattle and crops' bit onwards, I can appreciate embedded message in this. The very direct language and general depiction was also nicely presented. At times, and given the predictability aspect, it was 'too' direct in the sense that I was expecting the theme's continuation in a certain manner. Overall, a thoroughly enjoyable read though. Ok so I've read both verses a few times now. And I think this is actually one of the closest battles I've voted on. And I think, at this point, it's slightly more about which style and which concept I preferred more. As I said, I did enjoy both approaches a lot. It's just that to me, a slightly more abstract and vibrant (less direct and obvious) narrative is more intriguing due to the depth which can be presented to the reader. And I feel like Endeavor's approach was more towards that 'category' than Spume's. Vote - Endeavor |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 26 February 2017 at 11:07pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Nobody wants to cast the decisive vote, huh, cowards!! Endeeze First read has me in two minds...on the positive I love your technical ability, really smooth rhyming but actually quite an intricate scheme and you have a very eloquent way of expressing yourself, both in terms of phrasing and the imagery you build around it. It comes across as effortless, but I realise that it's really very difficult to achieve that balance...so I respect the craftwork. On the downside I personally found it quite tough to follow the narrative, partially I think that was down to your breaking this into three voices but not really giving those segments enough length...so it was always a fleeting moment & partially I think it was because you were trying to be clever. Personally I tend to prefer a cleaner narrative that takes me on an emotional journey, rather than one I have to piece together and try and decrypt elements of it. Ultimately I found it difficult to follow which really strips back my ability to enjoy it beyond a more technical level. Quickly just gave it a second skim read through and I still don't really understand how it all fits together as one narrative. I just have distinct chunks that are kind of vaguely fitting together. For me if your reader reads it twice and still doesn't understand the central story then you've not fulfilled your core purpose as the story teller. For me this is quite similar to the Kiki battle in this round...where I feel after reading this I can tell you are a superbly skilled writer but I don't really feel like this is a superb story. So it goes down as "good not great" for me. Sorry bro. Spume First off...I think you are flirting with the line limit here. I get you are using the line breaks to create a sense of the flow, but on a strict basis you've gone over here. Going back through & combining your 'line breaks' into one line when I count it I do get you back down to 32, but I shouldn't really have to do that...it should be clearly 32. You can use / or // to denote a break & put your adlibs in brackets (usually square) at the end of your lines. As for the verse itself, I quite liked it actually...you had a real nice flow (and funnily enough, you used the line breaks pretty well, functionally) and I really liked the vocab usage and alternating rhyme scheme. Real nice work. You had a lot of good quotable, almost punchline like quotables in here that were in some cases pretty subtle..."death hangs in the balance" right off the bat was a real good example, utilising part of the image to create a wordplay...that's the type of thing I appreciate when it comes to these picture based verses (& tbf Endeeze did something similar with the butterflies, but I felt you were just more effective in your usage)...I think my main challenge here is that I didn't really feel you took me on a journey here either, I liked a lot of your content on the surface level but I don't really think it went deeper and really connected to a developing narrative. To an extent that might be because I read Kiki's verse on the same picture a week or so ago and I think he delivered something similar to what you went for but delivered serenely and spectacularly...so it makes it kind of unfair to judge you against that standard, but such is life. I think that you delivered a really good technical verse, which I enjoyed reading but came away thinking there was something lacking to really captivate me as a reader. So in summary, I think this is quite a tough battle to determine as I didn't really feel captivated by either but was impressed by the technical qualities both displayed. I usually ask myself "who's story did I feel most moved by as a reader?" then balance that off against "what was the technical complexity of the verse and how well was it executed". For me you both tie on the first component as I didn't really feel either...I guess I'd say Endeeze made a better attempt but lacked on execution by over-complicating it, but then Spume probably offsets that by his linking his plays into the components of the picture more regularly and more smoothly than Endeeze. My second question is probably a tie as well...as I feel like Endeeze was probably more sophisticated technically than Spume, but within the technicality Spume exhibited I think he probably maximised it more than Endeeze. So I have to come down to my tie-breaking component, which is originally. After mulling it over in my head I think Endeeze has the edge here...ultimately I think it was the most unusual and creative drop & even though it lacked a little in the execution I think it was the more ambitious attempt creatively & when all things are equal I think you have to go with the most original...and for me on this occasion that drop was Endeeze's. Vote = Endeeze 3-2 Endeavour. Locked.
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