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Cuba 
Senior Moderator 
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
 Topic: Topical Twist TORNADO: Kiki v Spume (3-2)Posted: 06 March 2017 at 11:10pm |
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Topical battle 32 line limitDeadline = Midnight, TWO weeks from today Topic is here Pay attention to the bonus points available this round Edited by Rutter knows best - 25 March 2017 at 10:53am |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 20 March 2017 at 7:37pm |
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Deadline is in 4hrs
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spume corrupt
Superior Member 
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Posted: 21 March 2017 at 12:17am |
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Just for having the shit that we haven't
It could make you the victim we grabbing Took off the street, both feet dragging That ain't even need meticulous planning My man's them scamming, the roads we roam..... We strip cash and phones, from those alone And if there shown.... Gold chains get ripped where they hanging! Flash in the dark, No resistance they panic! Seeing we gripping the equipment to stab em Straight through the heart Watch it depart... A fools bravery instantly vanish Ain't working with sanity! We savage We are addicted and gripped by a madness So some say the criminal violence is sickenin to us it's some shit that just happens Tryn'a make ends meet in these endz some Brother's grew sick of the famine It's get beat or defend! So we do what we know best to survive growing up was using fists as a habit And all we learned from that strive life would'a been a bigger bitch if we hadn't! Without the gift of a dads hand six kids of the grid, as they drift into gangland Tower block nigga shits Power blocked in a picture with no riches to lavish How we ever gonna climb a legit ladder Made to feel we don't exist on this planet? That's the ridiculous challenge! Got us forming cliques just to manage So call that a syndicate But really it's the kids that the system has damaged ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, |
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member
Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 21 March 2017 at 10:33pm |
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Press Record. Whilst there's viles from white coats, and throat snapping, I pile notes, wrote from my phone tapping, So hacking is my bread and butter, said in mutters, Read a stutter of what was said - Then shred the clutter, Bed the Mother of privacy, spying is a high to me, Finally, i'm inside - Prying 'til i'm assignment free, Signing these papers that I won't rat if captured, Sat with fractures of chat, and facts in batches, Strapped for patches of hardship, the taste scarred it, Enter, delete, space.. And I have an ace with no card trick, Tar slip. A slow fall if you steal the info you find, Turn a nobody in to a dime, then the sin is sublime, Swing to a time where torture would rise the truth, They'd prise a tooth, whilst you were resinged in a booth, Or led blind to a roof, and dangled 'til fingers slip, The thing is, i'll win until the ringers quit, Think of shit. I've done it. Your career will dive/plummet, Our sides will thrive. Won it. Above your minds summit, Guys punish those who con words with the wrong verbs, My moniker is my monitor, shooting down the song birds. |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 24 March 2017 at 12:55pm |
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Will be voting on this in a little bit if need be.
I would prefer we start getting some votes on it though. So bumping this up. Give em some love people.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator
Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Posted: 24 March 2017 at 1:14pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Neither verses really gave us any depth or layers to their characters. Spume, So, your verse was a bit odd in that, it was told from
the perspective of a character, but im not really sure where this character
fits into the Illidad world or what his real identity is. I just imagine a
random goon that’s part of the syndicate, but like I said. . lacking an
identity, im not given much to invest any sort of feelings toward this person.
The lines were condensed and the pace was quick and fairly effortless to read,
but there wasn’t many layers or anything to really delve into Spirez, Your character was a spy for the syndicate, and at first I
was like. .well whats this dudes name? But it actually makes sense considering
as a spy, you wouldn’t really want your identity known. The flow was much
sharper and focused, and the wording was much cleaner. Again, this verse didn’t
deliver as much depth as I would have hoped, but everything you did give us was
done really well and I think enough to take this one. . . Vote Spirez for better character development and overall
cleaner wording and execution. |
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Neek
Site Moderator
Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
Posted: 25 March 2017 at 12:38am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Spooge-Amus Just for having the shit that we haven't It could make you the victim we grabbing Took off the street, both feet dragging That ain't even need meticulous planning diggin the opener, I love how subtle you make the shit. reminds me of that pacewon line "walk up, fuck you up, and walk off like it wasnt a crime." but your bars felt genuine. good shit. My man's them scamming, the roads we roam..... We strip cash and phones, from those alone And if there shown.... Gold chains get ripped where they hanging! Flash in the dark, No resistance they panic! not a big fan of the last two bars, felt a bit forced. overall tho, im rocking. Seeing we gripping the equipment to stab em Straight through the heart Watch it depart... A fools bravery instantly vanish Ain't working with sanity! We savage We are addicted and gripped by a madness So some say the criminal violence is sickenin to us it's some shit that just happens youre painting a nice narrative. I absolutely love the vibe. didnt like the heart/depart bit, felt meh compared to the rest of the visualized aspects of your writing. but fuck it. Tryn'a make ends meet in these endz some Brother's grew sick of the famine It's get beat or defend! dislike. So we do what we know best to survive growing up was using fists as a habit And all we learned from that strive life would'a been a bigger bitch if we hadn't! A+ Without the gift of a dads hand six kids of the grid, as they drift into gangland Tower block nigga shits Power blocked in a picture with no riches to lavish How we ever gonna climb a legit ladder Made to feel we don't exist on this planet? That's the ridiculous challenge! this is madness, this shit right here is wild as fuck my friend. real potent. Got us forming cliques just to manage So call that a syndicate But really it's the kids that the system has damaged nice touch on the ending. the social commentary and the smoothness and elaborate writing was real nice. I definitely enjoyed my read. not sure if its the first verse I ever peeped of yours or not but I like it. Di-Di Bryers: Whilst there's viles from white coats, and throat snapping, I pile notes, wrote from my phone tapping, dope scheme. So hacking is my bread and butter, said in mutters, Read a stutter of what was said - Then shred the clutter, Bed the Mother of privacy, spying is a high to me, Finally, i'm inside - Prying 'til i'm assignment free, excellent word usage...except for bed the mother of privacy, it could be that I just "dont get it" but it came off wtf to me. Signing these papers that I won't rat if captured, Sat with fractures of chat, and facts in batches, Strapped for patches of hardship, the taste scarred it, Enter, delete, space.. And I have an ace with no card trick, this is moving along at a rapid pace, but I find some of the jargon a touch over the top. Tar slip. A slow fall if you steal the info you find, Turn a nobody in to a dime, then the sin is sublime, Swing to a time where torture would rise the truth, They'd prise a tooth, whilst you were resinged in a booth, Or led blind to a roof, and dangled 'til fingers slip, The thing is, i'll win until the ringers quit, Think of shit. I've done it. Your career will dive/plummet, Our sides will thrive. Won it. Above your minds summit, Guys punish those who con words with the wrong verbs, My moniker is my monitor, shooting down the song birds. yeah, I mean style wise.. this was a nice exercise. content wise, I felt alot was lost. it jumped a bit, felt rushed. I never got the feeling that the narrative had a solid direction. it seemed made up on the fly. got the impression this was some super assassin type fella. real james bond shit, but it didnt really grab me like that. I didnt feel suspense. I didnt feel captured or engaged. I wasnt wondering what was next, I was thinking..where is this going? and then its just an abrupt end. you know what I mean? anyway. writing wise as far as mechanics..spot on. as a story telling piece? wasnt for me. vote = Spume.. I felt he had the stronger narrative and his story felt more compelling to me. |
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 25 March 2017 at 10:47am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK guys,let the dog see the rabbit.. Spume.. Yep i liked this piece,the read was an easy one that flowed well throughout,it was also a quick one too,your contents were quite vivid really,it was dripping with a street vibe entow,the snatching and taxing of phones and chains was described well on the whole, you even set the scene well too,i could envisage this gang running about tower blocks, helping to raise the crime rate some,nice touch that,plus this verse had a minimalist feel to it,not actual typing a lot,but what was typed said a lot,and to be honest the verse pulled me in on reading also,I liked the angle from which you came from here,I have the impression of it being a teenage gang,the quick make a buck feel aided this thought, there are some glitches though,your wording in parts is ropey,as too was the transition between lines,but to be fair they didn't hinder your verse really,and it certainly didn't take anything away from it I'll state now,all in all a nice verse that had a coming of age feel attached,good work.. Kiki.. First off i liked the angle here a hacker in a crime family,that was creative and different, the contents flowed real well also,which made this verse a quick read too,the overall vibe was nice as well as clean on reading,your wording was good via this course also, with that typed i do have some issues with this drop thought,in parts it read scatty and spatial,plus you seemed to skim the details which did help with the imagery,but on the other hand lacked in depth,and as far as direction goes this to felt rushed and dare i say forced due to this,still with that typed you did have a layering effect within,which for me helped this drop tick merrily along,you did show flashes of some Stella writing and thought as well,with the rhyming the same sounding vowels,and multi word usage, which for me made this piece an enjoyable read.. Overall,both had pluses and the odd hiccup,both brought an enjoyable verse also,hard to call a winner really as i liked both offerings,but for me Spume takes this and here's why,his piece felt more surreal,it was a more focused piece on the whole,plus it had depth also,which made me stay put to read,it grabbed me,Kiki you writing and concept was creative here,no doubt,but it lacked in direction and depth for me,still a solid piece though.. Vote...Spume..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Sammy
Site Moderator
Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 26 March 2017 at 6:13pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Heading out soon soThis will be quick cuz, Spume, this reminds me of a Bronx tale where it chronicled the rise of an organized crime figure. I enjoyed it and appreciate that it's giving a backstory to the syndicate. Flow and and rhymes were pretty good. The problem with this was that it felt like a flex piece slightly implementing The series. It sounded like a mobb deep track. i appreciate origin story but this felt like something I've seen or read before. It lacked personality. Kiki, I enjoyed this. It had character and dug the angle u took with ur character. It was written smoothly and the scheme was solid. I only wished you would give an identity to the character so complete the characterization. Regardless the thriller'esque intrigue really made the story stand out. The uniqueness won this for ya. Vote/ kiki. I thought spume origin story was a bit cliche'ish despite the solid mechanics. Kiki created a character and the angle he took was fresh and interesting. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
Posted: 30 March 2017 at 6:30am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Dijgosigjliusdhg;aejg;ajv;ioajdva spume i though that was well written mechanically however the content was whimsical and vauge, little to no discernible ties to the topic. As a read itself, although it was consistent throughout it definitely lacked fireworks. sub par as far as your previous drops Ocjbiosjbiojdsio;vaoidkvoias kiki i offer you the same demerits as spume in terms of the overall vauge outer layer of the onion type vibes (fuck onions). You brought your signature flow with ya. The one thing this had going for you is the enigmatic vibe was illuminati-like in a sense and so it could in some mr incredible level stretched perception be perceived as somewhat close to on topic. in terms of past work both were terrible but if both were a listerine pocket strip placed in front of me, this week i would let kiki dissolve on my tongue +1 Kiki
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 30 March 2017 at 1:50pm |
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3-2 Kiki Wins in Best of 5.
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