Text Battle Archive: Topical Twist TORNADO: Ridley v Slip (3-1) |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Topic: Topical Twist TORNADO: Ridley v Slip (3-1) Posted: 09 October 2016 at 6:46pm |
Topical battle
32 line limit Topic = Eye of the storm Deadline = Midnight, 1 week from today |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 12 October 2016 at 2:20am |
Hurricane Coulrophobia Since Donald Trump was elected president, shits bin hectic an uprising of killer clowns becomes an evident epidemic devils rejects are eminent, evil spreads like a disease air born as the wind roars, life is no longer a breeze for families affected by the chaos it all clouds over forced to feel afraid and look over their shoulder the Inkpens have done nothing ,not the violent type to purge held up in their home while a civilian storm begins to surge two sisters a bother, father and mother ,cant help but wonder if they will have to suffer as they listen to the thunder anarchy reigns around them people are slipping under sanity's down the drain devastation starts to smother any trace of hope has drowned beneath the crumbled foundations cover the floods now flow like rivers threw the streets as people plunder sympathetic as a tsunami loving as an earthquake forgiving as a drought there is no pleading with these bullets once the trigger lets them out gun shots ,explosions, people screaming in the street a war zone surrounding them made it hard to sleep one of the daughters gazed threw the window at a charcoal sky with grey clouds that swirled around in the shape of an eye the house began to creak in a way that chilled her to the bone a raw unyielding power from the visuals alone the screeching wind howls each rain drop like a stone the eye of the storm closes, psychotic clowns enter the home little ridleys in the closet shaking like a leaf coulrophobias kicking in chattering his teeth a machete slashes threw the door inches from his face like Pennywise is back ,time to terrorise this place the juggalos were vicious raped both of his sisters mutilated their faces started taking pictures brutally slit his parents throats, left'em for dead Ridley has a fear of clowns now and tends to wet the bed
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Ridley Squat
Street Team Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 17 October 2016 at 7:00am |
I've been tasked the job of forming a crew to find what happened to Scorpio 1 Since August begun all that we've done is find desolate planets no weather just sand Now we're orbiting one & orders have come: 'cancel the scanning, get ready to land' Our trajectory planned and descent is in hand, as easy as offing a fish in a bowl, But though it was textbook, the moment we set foot, we lost our comms-link to mission control Systems are Go, but vision is No, so I rescan the surface for anything threatening What the instruments show, left me chilled to the bone ... and exactly the same in every direction Impossible readings, not what they seem and not any reason to postpone adventure So I dropped off a team to take stock of the scene, while I stayed aboard to check probes & the sensors Nobody mentioned the foreboding tension, that everyone felt ... and was getting clearer And I broke in a sweat when the probe I just checked read the same thing ... but was getting nearer! Dread and fear as if the devil's here, from the source of the darkness we'd settled our eyes on Cos death is here in this hemisphere in the shape of tornadoes on every Horizon I know an Eyewall Of A Storm when it's brewing, as studying weather's a particular proclivity So it's time that I call the rest of the crew in, and call off the Extra-Vehicular Activity I watched numerous space-suits all losing a race to the sweep of a curtain while their mission's forgot And while reducing its radius we're losing our agents as the storm draws to 10 feet of the ship and then stops I deduce that it's tasting us, proved that it's sated and feasted and ready to finish the job Then the conclusion is facing us, resuming apace, with no time to ......................... ************ This is mission control to Scorpio 3 ... listen close as I'm talking to you You're tasked with job of forming a crew to find what happened to Scorpio 2 |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 17 October 2016 at 6:57pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Slip I liked the angle you came with here,you line lengths helped the tempo also,and scattered throughout there were multi,'s which in turn made this drop an effortless read,and pacey too,coupled with the detail and contents aswell made it an interesting one also, your take on the topic eye of the storm was one of civil unrest and mayhem,and straight off the bat in your opener you set the scene well, centering around a family unit caught up in the storm,with this as your choice you gave yourself a lot of room content wise,you had some highlights within this verse that for me stood out,like these. "Since Donald Trump was elected president, shits bin hectic an uprising of killer clowns becomes an evident epidemic" "sympathetic as a tsunami loving as an earthquake forgiving as a drought there is no pleading with these bullets once the trigger lets them out" there were more to be had to be fair,but these appealed to me the most, your opener set the tone,which had some sprite about it,but the ending was equally good,incorporating Ridley into this verse was creative i believe,plus it injected some humour into your tale and closed out on a some what brighter note..good work. Ridley with your saga set in space I thought this to be also creative here, and like Slip you too had some fine contents and vocab aswell,I liked the vibe of your verse because you managed to add suspension within it, nice touch that liked it,although your lines were stretched at times,it still happened to stay on track,you too had some highlights with your offering here,you had some multi's too that helped readability overall.your tale had more to do with weather patterns as such,and with the scene set in space, you created your own room for scope in topic.. "Our trajectory planned and descent is in hand, as easy as offing a fish in a bowl, But though it was textbook, the moment we set foot, we lost our comms-link to mission control" "Dread and fear as if the devil's here, from the source of the darkness we'd settled our eyes on Cos death is here in this hemisphere in the shape of tornadoes on every Horizon" 1 of the thing that struck me in the last bar I highlighted was the word devil,in space tornado's are called devils, especially on the planet Mars,where their known as dust devils, I assume you knew this hence it inclusion,if so then it was nice, cause the word severd as a double meaning within this piece,and again like Slip your closing lines where nice aswell,the way you just cut off at the end was good,and then the sending of Scorpio 3,to find what has happened to Scorpio 1 and 2,so the cycle continues,also good work. Overall both had a good verse here,which as a voter forces me to tax my brain to decide a winner,so I read each verse again and still I was none the wiser,this vexed me to make a choice,so I'm voting this like a reg battle here,and surprise it helped me to make a choice,and I'm going to go with Slip, here's why,I do believe the detail and humour just carried him over here,if I could I would call draw,but I can't,props to both for making it hard to vote,no B shit,it really is close, so I feel prefrence will come into play with voting on this.. Vote..Slip..(just by a width of a cunt hair)..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 26 October 2016 at 5:35am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Slip: You had your Donald Trump reference mixed with the clowns. This was pretty much a verse that was based on the whole purge concept. Which is fine. Cus you executed it on a dope level with your flow being on point for the majority of the verse. In my opinion tho it would have been better if you had a more original concept. This to me seemed so much like the purge it was hard for me to tell the difference. Your rhyming tho for the most part was descriptive and flowed extremely well. You painted the story well with your words which is always a big plus in my book. Personally I'm also not a fan of using my opponents name in topical battles. I really do feel it takes away from your verse. It's a topical battle...focus on the story and not ya opponent. Overall Your flow and imagery was pretty fucking dope. I loved the wind howls as each rain drop is a stone. And the charcoal sky. and then how they swirled in the shape of an eye. I loved the word usage. Overall great verse Rids: Your opening bar was so well worded but so simplistic I have to give you major props on that. It highlights your writing ability. Your second bar was great. I am a huge fan of internal rhyming and you nailed it. You were also able to do that but keep a detailed sequence into the story in general. " Impossible readings, not what they seem and not any reason to postpone adventure So I dropped off a team to take stock of the scene, while I stayed aboard to check probes & the sensors"---This was so well written in my mind its crazy....You kept the interest of the story but you absolutely killed the flow...some of the best written work I've seen in a long time. "Dread and fear as if the devil's here, from the source of the darkness we'd settled our eyes on Cos death is here in this hemisphere in the shape of tornadoes on every Horizon I know an Eyewall Of A Storm when it's brewing, as studying weather's a particular proclivity So it's time that I call the rest of the crew in, and call off the Extra-Vehicular Activity" The first segment I quoted was pure butter. You maintained the story your lines were perfect and there is nothing bad to say. In your last bar you stepped up your vocab and then delivered the best bar in your entire verse in my opinion. this bar was my favorite. Overall: MVGT: Ridley. I mean slip came with it..he had some great topical skills with his writing..but Ridley went absolute ape shit on this one...he was top notch in everything I look for in a topical...Yo slip against anything else you'd get my vote but ridley perfected this topic. cheers to both of you |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 13 November 2016 at 8:30pm |
1-1...looking for more votes here
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
Posted: 13 November 2016 at 10:01pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Slip, an interesting social narrative. Very basic schemes with bare bones 1 syllable end rhymes and scarce internal rhymes. Content was there tho, theres vulgar scenes of imagery. The ending really turned me off. Immature cop out, wasn't feeling it. This was an average stab at the topic with a few misses. Ridley, a more mechanically sophisticated read. Your battling background gives topical shit an interesting shade. Great storytelling, interesting rhyme schemes, descriptive wording, circular intro/ending was well executed. Overall solid verse. Both tried their best but Rid has a much more enjoyable verse. +1 Ridley
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 14 November 2016 at 12:36am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. slip - i must say, man, you've improved like a muhfucker! the flow was crisp pretty much the whole way through. Although it did lack in the technical side i really like the imagery painted: one of the daughters gazed threw the window at a charcoal sky Way to incorporate some very nice analogies: sympathetic as a tsunami loving as an earthquake forgiving as a drought great home invasion type story, connecting it to the contemporary paranoia. I thought that was very clever. The thing i wasn't too fond of was the ending. like Why?? It was such a serious piece but then when u put Ridley in there it kind of changed the mood lol Rid, as a sci/fi lover, i really like this piece. I felt ur technique was a lot more refine than ur opponent. Flow as crisp, characteristic of the text battler species lol. THis verse reminds me of Even Horizon - the recon mission and then the tragic story. Usually cliffhangers turn me off but i have to say it was implemented well in context to ur story. overall it did what it had to do and did it well. vote - Ridley. I honestly thought that if Slip had a more solid ending, he could have taken this, for me. Great battle guys. really enjoyed it. |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 14 November 2016 at 7:09pm |
3-1 Rids
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