Open Mic: (TWD#3)Crimson Thoughts part3

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    Posted: 11 March 2018 at 12:15am
The first two paragraphs are my last two word drops witch is the expo for this months word drop as I am continuing the story
So this months entery is at the bottom

(TWD#1)
In the essence of a trauma just a fraction of the pain
From the boredem that he suffers causes traffic in the brain
Thoughts racing through his head as foliage fall from trees
He sees the climate start to drop when things began to freeze
A chance to break these shackles of temptation he believes
If he redeems himself tonight thats he really needs


(TWD#2)
Luminosity in his opticals as if god were passing judgment
the ambience starts to manifest visuals so abundant 
Pearly gate hallucinations seeming like an invitation 
nothing phases the collection of thoughts in this creation
A complete parody of his dreams really no mistaken
Will he ever resume his life, when will he awaken

This months word drop
(TWD#3)
The binary code in his brain begins to glitch
This kids in a coma but his eyes just twitched 
He's not underneath the gravel yet, far away from death
Closer to humanity with each and every breath
Aquatic trench like veins start to pulsate quicker
It's been eons since his pulse was more than a flicker
Millions of dallors later like moneys not an object 
As he and the doctors fight for his life to prospect
a concise accounts kept of the effort and time spent 
Trying to revive his legend of a mindset 


Edited by Slip - 11 March 2018 at 12:20am
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2018 at 8:32pm
I'll feed just the third part. I will say though, it's a very interesting approach keeping the story going with each Word Drop installment. Just hope you can wrap the words around the story instead of trying to mold the story through the words.

The opener is quite vivid in imagery. Wording in each line is simple but none of the words seem forced, and these lines are amazing:

Aquatic trench like veins start to pulsate quicker
It's been eons since his pulse was more than a flicker


It gives life to the peice when you're able to describe the scene with so much imagery like your portraying real events. And in a story, that's important. This is definitely more poetic than standard storytelling rap. All in all, I look forward to seeing how this story progresses, and hopefully culminates with an epic closure with a more in depth, creative spin. Like some allegorical themes with maybe even a moral background to tie it in with reality on perhaps a personal level everyone can relate to or something to really strengthen the impact of the story being developed.

Overall, you're doing a good job so far, so keep it up. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and can't find anything negative to talk about on a creative aspect or even on technical levels, because the piece is sound.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Slip Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2018 at 8:59pm
Thanks for the feed R.P
I am enjoying keeping the story going
It's all up to crim and what words he wants to drop
So far it's all fitting together nicely
Will see what crimson thoughts part4 has to offer next month
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 March 2018 at 5:13pm
I only read WD3. Because I don't know what the words for the proceedings months were, so it would be impossible to judge how effectively you used them. With that said...

Bro, Slip, that was an excellent use of the key terms. You're short read linear, fluent and creative. A story about a man in a coma. Who would have thunk it. Great job.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 March 2018 at 3:53pm
I wasn’t feeling the aquatic trench or the monkey line. Other than that it was alright. Not in my top reads. Also I didn’t bother reading the other drops from lrevious months, just the one for this one.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 March 2018 at 11:26pm
I just read the first two lines....
Wow! You done that...... Shit was a dope how you made that transition from the previous months winning entry
I’m concerned though I think you are taking a gamble trying to keep this series interesting for another month
So I read on further an my fears are confirmed, what I’m seeing here fam is you using some clever angles with the given words
The gravel line the pulsate line plus others were worked into the fabric of this well enough and the rhyming is good! It’s just the overall story seems to have run aground loosing momentum with nowhere to go
Props on sticking to your guns though main this was still clean writing and the continuation of it def stands out

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slip Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2018 at 1:41am
Any thing can happen Spume have faith I got a plan lol the legend of a mindset will live on,,, for now
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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