Battlefield: TWIST#1: Slip v Crimson Juice

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    Posted: 18 December 2017 at 11:00pm
Friends, it's time to get your voting chaps on, cos it's sure about to get real Western in here.

The Topic: "Tales From An Old Western Saloon"
The Lines: 20-60

The Writers:
In the crimson corner, the Sheriff Of Nottinghamshire, Crimson "Buffalo" Juice.
In the opposite corner, the Fastest Gun in Newfoundland&Labrador, Slippy the Kid.

There's a million ways to die in LA.
This is one.
Let's go.


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Topic: "Tales From An Old Western Saloon"
- Crimson Juice



1879 a lawless time,
Bucks Horn saloon was full with folks from the mine,
17yrs old & in my prime,
I didn't envisage this setting within my minds eye,
Noise is overwhelming,
Chair legs screech & rowdy speech It's compelling,
I'm liking this dwelling,
Glasses clink & smoke over pine is what I'm smelling,
Trophies hang off walls,
Body-less with pics of mans foot on prey standing tall,
On seeing food i drawl,
Graons from the abdominal resembles an injured plea call,
As a pianola roll plays,
& thoughts cascade its then I sense I'm viewed as prey,
A loud voice says "say,
Do ya fancy a game" I didn't know if to runaway or stay,
So slowly I take a seat,
Im feeling intense heat coming from him it just seeps,
His aura is one of deceit,
A mountain size man complete with a full charge sheet,
So we play Liars Dice,
A game where you bluff and make the others think twice,
It all started out nice,
He called my bluff but I was actually playing quite wise,
I started to win a few
Again he called my bluff but what i had claimed was true,
It's then his top blew,
Shouts i'll be found floatin in a lake like a unleashed canoe,
Pissed like an angry bear,
He stood up its then I noticed the glare & his nostrils flaired,
I began to feel scared,
The saloon now resembling a prison or trap or even a snare,
Im 22 & still at the saloon,
A drunk who earns money for booze emptying spittoons,
The man's presence looms,
Every Friday he comes to town I feel the dread & the doom,
See his name is Drawsoon,
Because he's quick with the shells & put men in their tombs,
On his last visit he flipped ,
Kicked and beaten i was then tied to a tree and bull whipped,
All the while he quipped,
"No leavin town for you you'll be lucky to walk let alone skip",
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Topic: "Tales From An Old Western Saloon"

The Man In Black

- Slip



                                           The Man In Black


Click clack click clack the enormous Clydesdale slows his trot to a stop,
dressed in black dropped a man from the top of his saddle,
appeared to be beaten down and worn from some type of battle,
as the dust starts to settle from the road he had traveled
he says nothing at all and walks right pass you,
Kicking up dust again with a gust of wind it follows him in.
doors sway open and closed like a ghost walked in ,
he carried the silence with him ,
no one lifted a glass or spoke a word Sensing the violence in him
might be a problem ,silent as they watched him ,
Approach the bar with a grin, showing his rotten teeth ,
every pair of eyes in that saloon seen the scar on his cheek ,
gun on his waist, look in his eyes, expressions on there faces more then surprised ,
that some strange guys makin the tension rise ,
paying close attention to each and every move,
Uneasy on edge wondering what he’ll do,
Louis, Earle and Carson five tables down all reached for there pistol ,
the man in black turned his head and said, “Slow down boys or we’re going to have an issue,
Whisky on the rocks keep em comiing I’m thirsty,
Your as good as dead, if you wanna draw Dont worry ,
I’m a lot quicker with the trigger, you’ll be dead in a hurry,
These fingers take lives without thinking they squeeze,
Killing is a breeze to me beleave me it’s easy,
Kill or be killed, no pleasing way to say it
That’s the way of the Wild West everydays another test,
And I will not hesitate to put a bullet in your chest,
the journey was long and hard now my soul needs a rest,
I’ve done things I’m not proud of things you couldn’t guess,
Unless it happened to you, cross my path find out what’s true”
“Gripping my pistol quickly before I can raise it
the man in black flicked a blade across the room ,
Perfectly aimed it”
That changed Carson’s tune once his finger hit the floor
Tryna play with this man in black since he came threw the door,
So Earle thinks to himself a plan of attack
“I’ll get up pretend to leave head for the exit
Then shoot that man in black dead, when he least expects it”
So he steps over the pool of crimson juice leaking from Carson’s hand ,
the man in black spins his bar stool says, “you still don’t understand or know who I am
Thinking you can trick me when I’m the king of trickery
I ain’t some fool to pull the wool over, really isn’t me”
He starts shootin earles dancing missin’em on purpose
People outside heard this as the bullets rang out
Busting in through the saloon doors women began to shout
The man in black!!! the man in black!!!
Earle ducked for cover while he was distracted for a second
The man in black killed the 5 men who walked in with his smith n Wesson ,
One between the eyes brains splatterd on the wall
One in the back then in the skull as he began to crawl
Another in the neck blood gushin watched him fall
The forth got hit in the rib cage slowly faded away
crippled the fith with a shot to his lowest vertebrae
Earle hid behind the bar while Louis froze in the moment, shaking, trembling, unable to move,
muscle spasms in his mind he’s about to lose ,while the man in black sits calmly sips on his booze,
like nothing even happened, bystanders confused
Still as water on a calm day not a ripple in the room
back in 1889 on August 25th at The Santa Fe Saloon

Edited by Crimson Juice - 19 December 2017 at 9:14am
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- Crimson Juice -

Quote 1879 a lawless time, 
Bucks Horn saloon was full with folks from the mine, 
17yrs old & in my prime,
I didn't envisage this setting within my minds eye,
Noise is overwhelming, 
Chair legs screech & rowdy speech It's compelling,
I'm liking this dwelling, 
Glasses clink & smoke over pine is what I'm smelling, 
Trophies hang off walls, 
Body-less with pics of mans foot on prey standing tall,


Okay, okay, I see you, Crim. Your doing a good job setting the scene. I'm immersed in your movie ... let's continue.

Quote On seeing food i drawl, 
Graons from the abdominal resembles an injured plea call, 
As a pianola roll plays, 
& thoughts cascade its then I sense I'm viewed as prey, 
A loud voice says "say, 
Do ya fancy a game" I didn't know if to runaway or stay, 
So slowly I take a seat, 
Im feeling intense heat coming from him it just seeps, 
His aura is one of deceit, 
A mountain size man complete with a full charge sheet,
So we play Liars Dice, 
A game where you bluff and make the others think twice,
It all started out nice, 
He called my bluff but I was actually playing quite wise,
I started to win a few
Again he called my bluff but what i had claimed was true, 
It's then his top blew,
Shouts i'll be found floatin in a lake like a unleashed canoe,


At this point the writing seems a little frantic or choppy, which helps to create a sense of nervousness and fear, but to the same degree, the scenes are kind of jumping around too quickly.

Quote Pissed like an angry bear, 
He stood up its then I noticed the glare & his nostrils flaired,
I began to feel scared, 
The saloon now resembling a prison or trap or even a snare,


Nice.

A "snare" tho? What's that? Anyway, I dig the wording and the flow is reallt breezy. I can feel your character starting to let the fear of death seep into is bloodstream.

Quote Im 22 & still at the saloon, 
A drunk who earns money for booze emptying spittoons, 


Also nice.

I like the background expo. It let's the reader know what kind of person the character is so that we may empathize with/for him as the events of the story start to unfold. OAN -- your vocabulary is super on point, Juice.

Quote The man's presence looms, 
Every Friday he comes to town I feel the dread & the doom,
See his name is Drawsoon, 
Because he's quick with the shells & put men in their tombs, 
On his last visit he flipped , 
Kicked and beaten i was then tied to a tree and bull whipped, 
All the while he quipped, 
"No leavin town for you you'll be lucky to walk let alone skip",


Cool ending. But I wish there were more to it. I was enjoying the ride. Now it seems like it's come to a screeching hault way too soon.

- SLIP -

Quote Click clack click clack the enormous Clydesdale slows his trot to a stop,
dressed in black dropped a man from the top of his saddle, 
appeared to be beaten down and worn from some type of battle, 
as the dust starts to settle from the road he had traveled 
he says nothing at all and walks right pass you,
Kicking up dust again with a gust of wind it follows him in.
doors sway open and closed like a ghost walked in ,
he carried the silence with him ,
no one lifted a glass or spoke a word Sensing the violence in him 
might be a problem ,silent as they watched him ,
Approach the bar with a grin, showing his rotten teeth ,
every pair of eyes in that saloon seen the scar on his cheek ,
gun on his waist, look in his eyes, expressions on there faces more then surprised ,
that some strange guys makin the tension rise ,
paying close attention to each and every move,
Uneasy on edge wondering what he’ll do,
Louis, Earle and Carson five tables down all reached for there pistol , 
the man in black turned his head and said, “Slow down boys or we’re going to have an issue,


The flow isn't anything spectacular, but it's definitely smooth and consistent. The imagery on the other hand is pretty spectacular. I legitimately feel like I'm watching an old 1960's Western. You've done a great job at setting the tone and the scene. Everything from the horse's trot, to the saloon doors swinging open, to the MIBs rotten teeth, helped to craft a world that feels real and authentic to the subject matter. HBO, bro.

Quote Whisky on the rocks keep em comiing I’m thirsty,
Your as good as dead, if you wanna draw Dont worry ,
I’m a lot quicker with the trigger, you’ll be dead in a hurry,
These fingers take lives without thinking they squeeze,
Killing is a breeze to me beleave me it’s easy,
Kill or be killed, no pleasing way to say it
That’s the way of the Wild West everydays another test,
And I will not hesitate to put a bullet in your chest,
the journey was long and hard now my soul needs a rest,
I’ve done things I’m not proud of things you couldn’t guess,
Unless it happened to you, cross my path find out what’s true”
“Gripping my pistol quickly before I can raise it 
the man in black flicked a blade across the room ,
Perfectly aimed it”


That last line is pretty solid.

However, in this section, I feel like the flow wasn't as smooth as before and the wording was not as crisp. Some of the scheme seemed to suffer from a lack of sufficent syllables in certain places. Of course that could very well be the result of how I'm reading and interpreting it on my end. I imagine if you were to personally read it alound you would get through it a lot smoother than I did, because you would know where to stress certain syllables and when to speed and slow down the tempo. In any case, one thing you did excell in, was making the atmosphere seem dangerous and intense.

Quote That changed Carson’s tune once his finger hit the floor
Tryna play with this man in black since he came threw the door,
So Earle thinks to himself a plan of attack
“I’ll get up pretend to leave head for the exit
Then shoot that man in black dead, when he least expects it”
So he steps over the pool of crimson juice leaking from Carson’s hand ,
the man in black spins his bar stool says, “you still don’t understand or know who I am
Thinking you can trick me when I’m the king of trickery 
I ain’t some fool to pull the wool over, really isn’t me”
He starts shootin earles dancing missin’em on purpose
People outside heard this as the bullets rang out
Busting in through the saloon doors women began to shout
The man in black!!! the man in black!!!
Earle ducked for cover while he was distracted for a second
The man in black killed the 5 men who walked in with his smith n Wesson ,
One between the eyes brains splatterd on the wall
One in the back then in the skull as he began to crawl 
Another in the neck blood gushin watched him fall
The forth got hit in the rib cage slowly faded away


You had some questionable areas of flow and wording, yet, at the same time, some really dope ones. But, one thing that is unquestionably impressive is your ability to paint a picture. I'm getting a real Clint Eastwood dressed as the Undertaker visual and vibe from this piece -- which I dig quite a bit. Props.

Quote crippled the fith with a shot to his lowest vertebrae 
Earle hid behind the bar while Louis froze in the moment, shaking, trembling, unable to move, 
muscle spasms in his mind he’s about to lose ,while the man in black sits calmly sips on his booze, 
like nothing even happened, bystanders confused
Still as water on a calm day not a ripple in the room
back in 1889 on August 25th at The Santa Fe Saloon


Perfecto! The end brought it all home for me. The wording, the smoothness of the flow, the imagery, the tone, and the disposition and demenor of the MIB created something that was truly special to read. Also, that "booze" and that "still water" line were both dope asf.

VOTE -- SLIP

Reason: Well, word-for-word this was actually a fairly close battle. I think both participants came with solid flows, sufficient imagery and vocabulary that was relevant to the time-period. However, if you noticed, I said "word-for-word" this was a close battle and, the fact of the matter is, Slip wrote more words and had more content to offer. As a result of that, his story was more fleshed out and felt more complete. He also had creative instances that showcased his thoughtfulness as a writer and his personality as a prankster -- like the interwoven subliminal he took at Crimson mid-verse in the form of wordplay. I did notice a few grammatical errors from both writers, but nothing major. Uhmmm ... I think Crim elevated his writing to a new level for this battle and I'm impressived with what he delivered. I've been reading a lot of battles lately, most of which have become hazy and gray. This battle however, registers as being both colorful and entertaining. I loved the theme. You guys showed up, had a showdown and left me feeling like I invested my time wisely by reading this match. Props to both. Peace.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slip Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 February 2018 at 2:15pm
Bump for votes
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rapper T Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 July 2018 at 9:49am

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Slip vs Crimson tales from an old western shootout let's get it:

Crimson Juice up 1st:

CJ you hit the topic in quite a flowery way, focussing on being in the environment well. Your rhyme scheme though complete with rhymes lacked substance you're rhyming cat with hat when it could be backpack with knapsack naamean, I mean multies were there but they could have been more prevalent. Style was cool and unique and ov flowed well in parts but it could have been bettered chiselled of filler. Dope imagery, dope storytelling and vivid display of creative prose doe.

Slip your verse is way harder and brutaller which I like, multies were loose, style was tight, most of the verse flowed good. Yeah some rhymes were totes stretched too and more than I'd consider rhythmical. Liked your verse more personally so

MVGT Slip
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