Open Mic: [WD#1] Action Drop (Beast Drop)

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   Such a bruiser that when I fight my opponents go kerflooey
You see their veins go like Gorgonzola cheese so don't pursue me
How can I punctuate it in a way that won't confuse thee?
Can you transcribe your death on a dictaphone or do I truly
Have to take you to the 'refinery' and 'break it down' in the lines I preach
You small-time pricks as small as 'Asian' 'dicks' I'm riding a big-timer Jeep
While you 'light' on the road like a 'Rickshaw' you'll 'breakdown' in time you see?
Vociferous intent to win though I'm ludic when it's time to bind a G
To his coffin... 
And as I 'rain' down on you your body seems water absorbant(unlike your losses)
But that doesn't matter...
As the aeromancy depicts 'lightning' as I'm an electrifying beast.

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The Rap Daemon Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Rap Daemon Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: [WD#1] Action Drop (Beast Drop) Posted: 12 February 2016 at 1:37am
	Such a bruiser that when I fight my opponents go kerflooey You see their veins go like Gorgonzola cheese so don't pursue me How can I punctuate it in a way that won't confuse thee? Can you transcribe your death on a dictaphone or do I truly Have to take you to the 'refinery' and 'break it down' in the lines I preach You small-time pricks as small as 'Asian' 'dicks' I'm riding a big-timer Jeep While you 'light' on the road like a 'Rickshaw' you'll 'breakdown' in time you see? Vociferous intent to win though I'm ludic when it's time to bind a G To his coffin... And as I 'rain' down on you your body seems water absorbant(unlike your losses) But that doesn't matter... As the aeromancy depicts 'lightning' as I'm an electrifying beast.
	Faggot

daydizzle89 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote daydizzle89 Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 12 February 2016 at 3:18pm
	Hahahahah. I always like weird drops. This was a tough one to critique. Ill start off by saying that first line was really really nice. I liked your wordings and your flow. This was pretty good overall. Its hard to add random ass words into a piece that is only 5 bars longs. Its a tuff cookie to swallow. I REALLY liked your multis in this. They stood out the most brudda

Venomonology Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Venomonology Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 12 February 2016 at 5:03pm
	first 4 lines flowed nicely with the end rhymes fitting in quite smoothly while maintaining an aggressive tone. I like the veins / gorgonzola play. From vociferous onward I kinda lost the flow, and not sure where absorbent fits into the rhyme scheme in that section, which is a shame because 'water absorbent' as a phrase opens up a lovely set of possible multis. overall though, it is tough to fit in random words to any piece and still maintain a flow, rhyme scheme and narrative and I thought you tackled this really well.

Cuba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Cuba Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 12 February 2016 at 6:20pm
	I echo that feedback really, felt you started really strongly (I was a bit taken aback to be honest like damn, he's in with a shout here)...I think you started to wobble from the refinery line, the Asian dicks was pretty weak & poor vocab to say small & small (which kind of defies the point of the challenge)...think you got a bit too intricate at the end and you didn't have that same sharpness/effectiveness as you did at the start. My advice would be to avoid having a line with none of the words in (big timer jeep) as that then pressures you into forcing them into another line (ludic) which makes it harder for you to impress across the entire verse. The closing segment I noticed you trying to play with the rhyme scheme, which is cool, but I don't think it really worked for you...I think your concept was a little too loose as well for it to be really strong, as they were more vague associations than a truly coherent/connected play. All that said, you are definitely improving & it's good to be commenting on such a wide array of attempted skills, which I don't think should be downplayed. Ultimately you need to be able to combine these types of skills plus having the underlying sting to drop top tier lines & it takes practice to get it right. Keep at it...this one just needed a bit more consistency and that comes through experience.