Open Mic: [WD#1] To put it loosily

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Rutter knows best View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 15 March 2014
Location: Manny hood
Status: Offline
Points: 4529
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Champ

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 44-12-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rutter knows best Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: [WD#1] To put it loosily
    Posted: 12 February 2016 at 1:41am

Yo...


Dicking whores on my rickshaw, on way to the refinery,
I'm eating gorgonzola snortin coke i, like to fine dine ya see,
Out my mind, i get ludic just off 2 gigs of the internet
True shit, a social media addict a phone get me vociferous,,
Absorbent, my minds so magnificent, i'm now the new breed,
Throwing punches like a roofie, its lights out Kerflooey,
About the truth see, every punctuate's been an honest one,
Religion don't cloud this mind, aeromercy's never set the ambiance
#bananas
Back to Top
Venomonology View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 23 October 2012
Status: Offline
Points: 674

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 9-2-0
Form: WWLWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Venomonology Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2016 at 5:15pm
solid drop man, flows well. only thing I can see is that you've got 9 of the 10 words here, I think you're missing dictaphone unless my eyes are playing tricks.. and it's aeromancy not aeromercy, just keep an eye for typos like that. I didn't catch it until the 2nd time I read through, so easy to miss.
Back to Top
Rutter knows best View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 15 March 2014
Location: Manny hood
Status: Offline
Points: 4529
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Champ

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 44-12-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rutter knows best Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2016 at 5:45pm
Thanks man it was too late by the time I clocked it too.

And with dictaphone I thought I'd get creative

"Social media ad"dictaphone" gets me vociferous "

Crafty.

#bananas
Back to Top
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator

Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12327

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2016 at 5:55pm
Must admit I missed that too...nothing wrong with a breakdown wordplay (I'd actively encourage it) but maybe highlighting it would've made it easier, ad-dict-a-phone probably the way to go. Think it suffers from the previous criticsm I made when you used a breakdown play in that it's supposed to work both ways & I don't really think it does. Plus I think the purpose of the challenge is to actually use the word in appropriate context, so in terms of the challenge it was a little minus point.

But actually overall I thought you did a really good job with this, I liked the roofie/kerflooey line in particular and you definitely didn't seem forced in any of your word usage, you integrated everything naturally and it flowed through really nicely. Next time I'd challenge you to make your lines a bit harder hitting if you can...obviously that shit is difficult to do, but if you search back through the archives you'll find people like Manc who smashed it out the park despite the limitations the words give you.

Good effort, nice to see you getting involved.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down