Open Mic: [WD7] 4bars

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    Posted: 21 December 2016 at 1:48am
Depravity, whale, tourniquet, sanguine, placard, relic, detonate, pulchritude, mairge, Onomatopoeia.




I've crossed the center line of depravity
Morals so deep a whale couldn't reach the
Cavity.
I might need a tourniquet for my sanity
In this sanguine sea the surface holds
Morality.
Glass ceiling a placard relic for humanity
Detonate like a breaching charge explodes
Calamity.
I sit in the pulchritude of raining debris
In this mirage Onomatopoeia silence from
Falling trees.   

                 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 3:36am
very well, done Hi-Z. 

man, you're improving by every drops man. the composition of lines went from random to poetic to funny to puzzling. All in the span of 8 lines ha. "i sit in the pulchritude of raining debris" that was dope! keep scribing man. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 9:20am
Thank you sammy, I'm not sure about the way I closed it, I was shooting for the whole "if a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to here it dose it make a noise" thing. What with Onomatopoeia meaing a word comprised of a sound that something makes I thought silence would be a cool thing to work in, but I'm not sure if it landed right. Or if Google gave me the correct definition lol props on the words for the challenge btw Kept things interesting. ill drop some feed back on the other entries here in a bit, catch ya later.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lowest Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 10:44am
"In this sanguine sea the surface holds
Morality.", the effectiveness of this line is critical...Nice structure, you couldn't have laced it any better.

The last stanza put me off course though, I wasn't vibing with it at all,
But overall this was excellent for me. Superb work HI-Z
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 1:08pm

Quote I've crossed the center line of depravity


^"The center line of depravity" ... I like that.

Quote Morals so deep a whale couldn't reach the
Cavity.
I might need a tourniquet for my sanity


^Just to hold it all together, huh? Or perhaps because it's severely wounded? In either case, I think your "tourniquet" metaphor was well constructed and thought out. Dope stuff!

Quote In this sanguine sea the surface holds
Morality.


^I like your transitional wordplay and how you've carried the ocean/morality theme over from the previous lines. I also like the image that a "sanguine sea" creates.

Quote Glass ceiling a placard relic for humanity
Detonate like a breaching charge explodes
Calamity.
I sit in the pulchritude of raining debris


^This is dope and a superb mix of both abstract and concrete imagery that is all wrapped up in one big metaphor. Very creative, bro.

Quote In this mirage Onomatopoeia silence from
Falling trees.


^Ahhhhhh ... damn. This was almost an excellent conclusion. I see what you were going for and the idea is dope, but the wording and execution were both lacking.

Overall, however, I thought you showed a lot of skill here. Your incorporation of the keywords was seamless and seemingly effortless. Your moralistic ideology and the way you metaphorically illustrated it was a thing of beauty. This was a solid and well written submission. #strongcontenderforWDOM(Imho)

                 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 2:23pm
Thank you self active for the generous feed back its very much appreciated. I thought long and hard about the ending to this and i wish I would have walked away and came back later with something like
I sit in the pulchritude of raining debris
"No Onomatopoeia only silent trees in this
mirage of symmetry".
I knew what I wanted to say But Just couldn't express it correctly. I was So close to 100% affective, it just slipped away in the end maybe next time.   

Edited by HI-Z - 21 December 2016 at 2:37pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 2:47pm
Damn.

That would have been a perfect conclusion too, bro. It happens tho. A lack of time/patience is always the enemy of lyricism.

No matter ... this was still a very well-written and intriguing piece.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 2:50pm
Hi-z,

This was actually pretty damn good. Liked the way you used your vocabulary as little highlights. It was short but they well-written. You are now on my radar to read
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 7:04pm
You have a real fresh style...not sure if you are versed in haiku or have a poetic background but from what I've seen from you previously and in this you are very precise with your wording & seem to have super advanced use of conceptual imagery / wordplay, plus you know how to use a break to put an emphasis on a phrase. Noticed you kind of used that same style I was going with myself with the ". Veracity." part of my drop. I loved the contrast of the fallen trees / onomatopoeia concept to close out. That also resonated (or not!!) with the scheme you had. So three stand alone rhyming multis vs the "falling trees" which has a slight different rhythmic pattern. Not sure if touches like that are intentional, but if they are then that's serious craftsmanship right there.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Que- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 January 2017 at 4:45am
Ive been reading a few of your drops and you def keep improving Hi-z.

I like the "Straight to the point" type of style. Def trying to utilize every word. Simplicity is the friend of any writer. A to the point simple description allows the mind to flow. My fav line was the deep/Whale/Cavity line. IMO...this is a def contender. (misspelling)

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote d0pe! Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 January 2017 at 4:54am
Commends to the style, it lends itself well to the cadence i read the bars in. Hats off to keeping your rhyme scheme in tact thru out the whole drop. When i read the first lines, i didnt think i would enjoy the rest of the read, but boy was i wrong. Concise, descriptive, and vivid. Well done sir, looking forward to more drops.
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