Spotlight: [WD#7] Bang

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    Posted: 20 December 2016 at 11:53am

Bang. He detonates a bullet to the sanguine flesh
Ain't no mirage, this depravity's no bad dream:
Death to the relic of a man he called a brother once
Yet he gains respect on the placards of a government
His mind applies a tourniquet, but pulchritude still bubbles through
Pride blinds his eyes to the damage a salute can do
A fish fed by a whale. Yo, fuck the honour that appears
When killers clime to fame off of this onamatopoeia

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 2:12pm
I've been trying my best to decode this for the last several minutes. The best that I could come up with is ... this piece may be about some sort of brainwashed solider that did terrible things in the name of patriotism. In any case, as far as executing the objective goes, I think you did a good job using the words in an interesting way. I like how you weren't just straight forward with their literal meanings, but instead, made them bend to the will of your narrative. Also, I like the slick wordplay at the end involving fish/whale/killer. Lastly, did you mean to say "claim" as oppose to "clime"? Anyway, best line:

"gains respect on the placards of a government
His mind applies a tourniquet, but pulchritude still bubbles through"

^I like the rhythm and the tourniquet part was dope!

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Venomonology Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 2:59pm
Originally posted by SELF ACTIVATE SELF ACTIVATE wrote:

I've been trying my best to decode this for the last several minutes. The best that I could come up with is ... this piece may be about some sort of brainwashed solider that did terrible things in the name of patriotism.

appreciate the feed man, and yeah you're spot on. I was thinking of calling the piece War Hero or something like that to make it more obvious, but decided it would be more fun to let the reader figure it out. less about a specific soldier / patriotism and more a comment on war in general. but yeah same ball park.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 3:13pm
Ahhh interesting stuff and I agree. I think there are times when the open-ended approach works wonders by creating intrigue and requiring the reader to actually think and process the words of the author. This is a good example of that. It wasn't too encrypt, but it also wasn't too ease either.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 7:13pm
I struggled to catch the rhyming at the start...not sure if it's an accent thing or an unusual attempt at a rhyme scheme, but it kind of distracted me at the outset. Once you get past that I kind of like it as a social commentary observation piece. Liked the fish food / Whale metaphor/ comparison, that was nice. Was quite standoffish in the critique I felt, which is a little unusual for an antiwar sentiment...but makes it an interesting one to reflect on.

Loving the variety of all these drops!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 7:17pm
^ that's because death is still a component (in the rhyming sense) of the second line. The same occurs in the following set. I can see government / brother once work, though.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 7:20pm
Yes I understood that death was the rhyme to flesh, I'm just saying it threw me off a bit.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2016 at 3:53am
Something was off here... I'm not sure what it was, and I don't like poking holes in people's work. I've read a few of your perivious pices and they were all solid bro. I don't know what happened here, maybe it's just me or my mind set at the moment but I'm not feeling this. My faviort part was the salute line wich had none of the given words in it. My least favorite part was the Onomatopoeia line at the end I tried to figure out what you were going for but failed. Killers clime to fame off this Onomatopoeia...? I'm at a lose. I'd almost say I'd like to see you take a seconed crack at the challenge. I hope this dosent come off as disrespectful in any way it's only my opinion on this entry. You are a well established and competent writer and I'm not out to make any enemies. Don't be offened, ill catch ya later man.   
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Venomonology Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2016 at 6:30am
Originally posted by HI-Z HI-Z wrote:

My least favorite part was the Onomatopoeia line at the end I tried to figure out what you were going for but failed. Killers clime to fame off this onomatopoeia

All good man, up to you what you feel / don't feel. I'll just clarify that last line for you though.

Bang is an onomatopoeia, the sound a gun makes. The piece is about political war heroes finding fame by killing, so they climb to fame off the back of the sound bang. They climb to fame off an onomatopoeia. That was the intended direction anyway, can understand if people don't think it worked in the way I planned it to.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2016 at 7:20am
Oh..I see it now that's my bad, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It makes total sense now and works quite well actually. Thanks for the expo, and for whats it's worth your use of Onomatopoeia was better than my attempted use of the word in my opinion.

Edited by HI-Z - 22 December 2016 at 7:27am
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