Open Mic: who are "we" |
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Posted: 25 November 2016 at 2:09am |
We set sail across a vast sea
Loaded with men and an armory Towards a new topography Our words filled with tautology We mapped the new geography Inhabited by monstrosities Amongst the muted controversy We removed the source of impunity Countless numbers of atrocities Accrued with no apologies We had no right only authority We slaughter and rape deplorably The land shall never return to thee Who are they who have taken it? Only to have forsaken it A land of kings and parliament A nation that we fought against For freedom and from injustices Don't ever blame today's Americans For the sins of fathers left to them We are all the descendants of men Despite the image we were created in God bless us all, happy thanksgivin. |
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Perhaps I should have said they not we...#hindsight20/20 lol
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Dude I will leave feed for this when I'm done with work and on the train home,
just managed to give it a quick skimmed, and I like what I've seen..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I liked this factual piece here,you did well to sum up the history of
the new America,after taking from the Indians,the description of the Pilgrimage was good,even describing the country of origin and even its infrastructure via Parliament and royalty,and then you carried it on with the independence from the then mother country,and finally the part about how today we can't be blamed for our forefathers transgression, which I thought was clean and nice,in fact that sums up this verse really, it was clean and descriptive on the whole,still all done in your now well established trademark short lines,the other comment I want to make is how well you kept this on course due to direction,you didn't waver through out,so big props there my man,i enjoyed this from you,a quick lesson in a whirl wind nutshell...thanks for the read here...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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I agree with Crim here, I thought that your consistency was the highlight of this, along with some very relevant references to the broader theme. The 'amongst the muted controversy' segment stood out in that regard. I also liked the direction the narrative took towards the ending section. The reference to 'their origin' with the royalty bit was well incorporated to the somewhat factual background. I also liked the reflection to the present in your ending segment. Some more details to provide some balance to that perspective could've been also nice.
An overall enjoyable read content-wise. I also remember reading some of your previous verses and this is, technical-wise, one of the better executed ones as the short lines make for an easy read. I do think that you could use some multis and internals to enhance this. I'm also not too fond of rhymes which mainly match the ending letter, e.g. 'y' in this case, like in your opening segment. But you showed consistency there so that adds a somewhat nice element to the verse. Overall, a short and nice read. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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cool little brief piece here and timely as Thanksgiving was but a couple days ago.
I see the effort and it has to be commended. I think you're experimenting with rhymes and vocab which i feel will only make u a stronger writer, with proper implementation. However, what u have to bear in mind is the wording and syllable counts. THere's a certain cadence (inherit cadence) that most all writers go by. Think of it as an internal beat, if u will lol. For multies to work the rhyme have to hit on a specific note. here's an example of it working. "Our words filled with tautology We mapped the new geography " here's an example of it NOT working: "Inhabited by monstrosities Amongst the muted controversy We removed the source of impunity " those three lines didn't really work because the rhythm and syllable were off. Also, mind ur wording too. Sometimes an extended amount of a certain vowel sound can create monotonous tone. as alice pointed out, ur emphasis of the "E" sound ran its course due to bad wording. Trying being creative and flip some phrase up. I do really like this line here: "A land of kings and parliament A nation that we fought against" the multi was obvious the Ar. Ah. Ent sound. love how u match parliament sound with "fought against", instead of cheating with another one word three syllables similar sounding word, lol. Overall, man ur effort is gonna make u a beast bro! I always look forward to reading ur stuff because u have a style all ur own.
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Thank Alice and Sammy for your fed back its much appreciated and gose a long way, I'm always trying to improve and it can't be done without constructive criticism. And crimson your fed is always a highlight bro thank you.
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