Open Mic: who are "we"

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    Posted: 25 November 2016 at 2:09am
We set sail across a vast sea

Loaded with men and an armory

Towards a new topography

Our words filled with tautology

We mapped the new geography

Inhabited by monstrosities

Amongst the muted controversy

We removed the source of impunity

Countless numbers of atrocities

Accrued with no apologies

We had no right only authority

We slaughter and rape deplorably

The land shall never return to thee

Who are they who have taken it?

Only to have forsaken it

A land of kings and parliament

A nation that we fought against

For freedom and from injustices

Don't ever blame today's Americans

For the sins of fathers left to them

We are all the descendants of men

Despite the image we were created in

God bless us all, happy thanksgivin.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 November 2016 at 4:17pm
Perhaps I should have said they not we...#hindsight20/20 lol
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 November 2016 at 10:38am
Dude I will leave feed for this when I'm done with work and on the train home,
just managed to give it a quick skimmed, and I like what I've seen..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 November 2016 at 10:44pm
I liked this factual piece here,you did well to sum up the history of
the new America,after taking from the Indians,the description of the
Pilgrimage was good,even describing the country of origin and even
its infrastructure via Parliament and royalty,and then you carried it on
with the independence from the then mother country,and finally the part
about how today we can't be blamed for our forefathers transgression,
which I thought was clean and nice,in fact that sums up this verse really,
it was clean and descriptive on the whole,still all done in your now well
established trademark short lines,the other comment I want to make is
how well you kept this on course due to direction,you didn't waver through
out,so big props there my man,i enjoyed this from you,a quick lesson in a
whirl wind nutshell...thanks for the read here...peace.   
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 November 2016 at 1:34am
I agree with Crim here, I thought that your consistency was the highlight of this, along with some very relevant references to the broader theme. The 'amongst the muted controversy' segment stood out in that regard. I also liked the direction the narrative took towards the ending section. The reference to 'their origin' with the royalty bit was well incorporated to the somewhat factual background. I also liked the reflection to the present in your ending segment. Some more details to provide some balance to that perspective could've been also nice.
An overall enjoyable read content-wise.
I also remember reading some of your previous verses and this is, technical-wise, one of the better executed ones as the short lines make for an easy read. I do think that you could use some multis and internals to enhance this. I'm also not too fond of rhymes which mainly match the ending letter, e.g. 'y' in this case, like in your opening segment. But you showed consistency there so that adds a somewhat nice element to the verse.
Overall, a short and nice read.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 November 2016 at 4:05am
cool little brief piece here and timely as Thanksgiving was but a couple days ago. 

I see the effort and it has to be commended. I think you're experimenting with rhymes and vocab which i feel will only make u a stronger writer, with proper implementation. However, what u have to bear in mind is the wording and syllable counts. THere's a certain cadence (inherit cadence) that most all writers go by. Think of it as an internal beat, if u will lol. For multies to work the rhyme have to hit on a specific note. here's an example of it working.

"Our words filled with tautology

We mapped the new geography "

here's an example of it NOT working:

"Inhabited by monstrosities 

Amongst the muted controversy

We removed the source of impunity "

those three lines didn't really work because the rhythm and syllable were off. Also, mind ur wording too. Sometimes an extended amount of a certain vowel sound can create monotonous tone. as alice pointed out, ur emphasis of the "E" sound ran its course due to bad wording. Trying being creative and flip some phrase up. I do really like this line here:

"A land of kings and parliament 

A nation that we fought against"

the multi was obvious the Ar. Ah. Ent sound. love how u match parliament sound with "fought against", instead of cheating with another one word three syllables similar sounding word, lol. Overall, man ur effort is gonna make u a beast bro! I always look forward to reading ur stuff because u have a style all ur own.


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 December 2016 at 11:38pm
Thank Alice and Sammy for your fed back its much appreciated and gose a long way, I'm always trying to improve and it can't be done without constructive criticism. And crimson your fed is always a highlight bro thank you.
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