Open Mic: Winters Last Storm

Edited by daydizzle89 - 15 December 2016 at 4:42pm

Yeah this works just fine..



The scent of burning wood engulfs the frozen cottage
Scottish bourbon with curtains open, its hypnotic
snow blows cold, curling my toes with cotton
snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins
green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence
neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness
In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance

(that was some nice wording there I thought,and the theme of arrogance is depicted
really well within this segment,the vocab was also slick here,liking the end rhymes too,
the vibe via tempo and setting was portrayed well on the whole,I feel with an inner
rhyme or two this would of been nothing short of tremendous..)

the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen
The cold winds have frozen my heart with cognizance
Im a dark novelist, i write scrolls that are provocative
A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness
night has arrived and so has the grogginess
look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness
A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence
My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous
I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless-

(this part was very poetic and vivid in imagery,i was feeling this here because your word choices are great,within them selves they brought along a depth of their own,
plus it is an art to choose the most expressive also,a nice continuation that I had to
break in order to leave feed..)

with enough profit to feed a continent....
inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence
My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident
I battle myself with the up-most rottenness
The alcohol hits....
I head into the storm consumed in fogginess
i saddle up my horse heading to the chapel of somnolence
Kalashnikov gripped, shots crackle in my sarcophagus

(firstly I like this part the most here's why,i now get the feel that an actual person or character is involved,in the previous segments you wrote from outside looking in,as
here in this part you've become an entity so to speak,and to be truthful, if this was
played with throughout,it would of made this an outstanding piece,as the dimension
would be more relevant overall,still it takes nothing away from this drop,just a missed
opportunity I feel as the mannerism with a character would be hightend ,..)

Overall this was a well crafted verse,which made for a real nice read,it was expressed well and delivered with added flair due to the contents and concepts and wording,there
were some nice simile/metaphors popping off also,a class read and worth anybodys
time as their is a directional change in the way of subject matter here,ppl its not for once against the grain..solid piece solid read...peace.


I hate predictive text..corrected some typos..


Edited by Crimson Juice - 15 December 2016 at 9:03pm

damn, Day, u ain't playin bro. awesome verse. i'll be back to feed it after Star Wars

hahaha Dizzle...this is what I've been wanting to see from you since day one...I will be back to drop proper feed tomorrow have to head out real quick..good shit

See this is what the fuck I'm talking about.  This is you actually showing your true potential.  First off I can relate to the pic cus I actually live in a place like this now lol.  Scottish bourbon with curtains open, its hypnotic "---  Such a great descriptive way to open this up.  I would have changed it's to so os just added so in the second line but that just me being a dick lol.  This was a grown man line as I'd like to say.  This is the shit I was always telling you.green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence
neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness
In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance 
the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen"---  Straight killed it rite here.  This is by FAR your best work.  That Czar line was just dope as hell.  Good vocab and smooth fucking flow but your not straying off your content.  Maybe you finally didn't rush something?!?!?

green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence
neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness
In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance 
the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen
The cold winds have frozen my heart with cognizance
Im a dark novelist, i write scrolls that are provocative
A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness
 night has arrived and so has the grogginess 
look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness
A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence
My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous 
I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless-
with enough profit to feed a continent....
inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence
My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident
I battle myself with the up-most rottenness
The alcohol hits....
I head into the storm consumed in fogginess