Open Mic: World's Apart.. |
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Crimson Juice 
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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 Topic: World's Apart..Posted: 10 August 2017 at 3:22pm |
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Embers flitter from a midnight fire that stokes desires,
Breezes can reignite it to a pyre causing ppl to perspire, Whirling emotions run high resembling a stoned athlete, I crumble via the motion of my thoughts I keep decreet, My feelings I downplay a crush as deep as a mine or bay, girl you must be tired you've ran through my mind all day, From a distance you i see I want to approach and speak, I have persistents a relationship is what I want and seek, But I do have inhabitions that hold me back like shackles, It's a restriction that torments me with shame & cackles, No confidences or self esteem dominance only in dreams, Viewed as odd like a single condiment or a box of sardines, Was an awkward child withdrawn never forward never wild, Always felt cornered like a floor tile plus never had any guile, I do posses an high IQ I even surpass the paper set at 162, Knowledge I accrued in strings/singularities aids my debut, I'm a theoretical scientist and your a professional Freediver, Poetical with words/thoughts whilst you're a born survivor, But how should I approach you when lady your so profound?, As you encroach sea levels & my thoughts are off the ground, Your demeanor is hypnotic like that of a charmer to a snake, More exotic or erotic than any drug & sweeter than any cake, For now I'll view you from a far as I do the clustering of stars, Its bizarre when you break water & I'm on shore will be on par, |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Sky Scrapur
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Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 10 August 2017 at 3:48pm |
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I wanna try the first line on some random chick just to see the reaction I like the emotion in the second line, man that's sad. Good imagery there too Alot of emotion in this piece and i also liked how you described yourself. I think many can relate to your situation. Good piece bro |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 10 August 2017 at 5:20pm |
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Thank you Sky for reading and leaving feed,and when you try that line,let me know
the results pls,as i'm married now and wish I thought of this in my teens...lol,but i'm curious to see if it would help any,again thanks..peace. #experiment 101.lol. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 16 August 2017 at 10:56pm |
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The first bar felt very poetic and incredibly detailed in its descriptiveness. The tone and your choice of words really drew me in. But the second bar didn't really 'hold' that metaphorical and poetic value, at least not for me. The 'stoned athlete' is a somewhat nice touch, albeit random considering the tone you set this in. 'Motion of my thoughts' was good and 'fitting' the tone. Flow is simple but serving its purpose. I just would've liked to see you continuing the approach with which you started off with.
It seems like you need to switch the 'you' in your third line just for the bar to be more coherent. But other than that, I think the overall content is nice so far. Nothing too original, but I can appreciate the authenticity behind your lines. In terms of schemes, I think it's great that you tried to switch it up with the internals, the 'inhabitations' one kind of 'interrupted' your structure, though, but it seems like you're increasingly being more consistent, which is good to see.
I like the idea you displayed here with the 'dreams' bit, I think it could've been even better if you expanded on it. The food references were quite unconventional and interesting. The 'knowledge I accrued/singularities' line was probably my favourite in this entire verse so far. The rest felt more like a quick written, which can be nice as well.
'Sea levels/off the ground' created a nice, relatable visual and worked as a constant in preceding lines, which were slightly random. I think some of the comparisons were rather corny, but that's more of a preference thing. The highlight of this was your consistent usage of the elements. A nice read overall.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member 
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 17 August 2017 at 7:20pm |
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You been doing a lot of Om's lately fam, the effort has not gone unnoticed and the progress that you are making is clear to witness for those that know your ability
I see you embracing and trying to include many of the elements this art form requires and I commend you on that But...Yes there is a Minaj of a but attached to this because you know I keep it real with you always You are still not giving us that "sweet read" from beginning to end, some helpful advice after reading this would be.... Don't be afraid to change stuff this is not off the head freestyle it is editable text! Key word being editable.. . End rhymes, ok so massive Multis aren't always ness but simple rhymes like shackles/cackles won't cut it either dress them up better or see above and just change them... Comparison is cool but if they don't fit the vibe of the overall piece they can cause a disjointed feel..that's the same for word choice.Stay on target.. More thought given to the structure of the word placement will help the works transition and give a smoother read Read re read and read again, if you can't make it flow then we can't either, Remember everything is editable b4 u post Keep up the good work brother |
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Crimson Juice wrote: