Elevation Centre: Would greatly appreciate feedback

Hey guys, this is my latest rap battle that i did. Would love some feedback so i can progress and develop.

Much appreciated.

Edited by The Law - 23 March 2017 at 2:04pm

Ok thanks bro, any particular areas/things you think i need to focus on more? And with my writing what would you say were the weaker bars?

RD 1

It's an honor to be here, invited to Training Days. But  you done matched me up with a hermit.
Yo you look like you ain't seen a train in days.. well check this out
Whilst you were writin your raps, preparing for me for Training Days..
The boys had your bitch back at the crib running a train for days!

Johnny Padmore AKA Kiner. They said you had a gift rapping/wrapping, well this is battle rap where you stand an amateur.
Cos you might have a gift.. but its a shit one, that's Lynx Africa.
See I came prepared for war like Normandy on D-Day
Watch me 'flip out' and put him to sleep, somebody get JP his PJ's (flipping his initials, sleep=pjs)
Cos these hands are fire, if the first connect you better have a comprehensive dental plan.
And you don't want no smoke...cos you gon die from the second hand.
You better come up with another fuckin plan, i got Buster Douglas hands once these punches land.
You'll get stretched out like country twang, and they'll see bits of you everywhere,
That's a good marketing strategy for your company brand!
You tryna fuckin dance? Well this can get viral any second. I suggest you do the mannequin challenge (keep still) or the running man.
I does this fam, white boy killer straight from the motherland.
And there's levels to this..you're rap beef at Summer Jam.
I'm a bunch of angry Arabs living in a war torn country, pickin up grenades an launching them at fuckin tanks!
You copy that? It's body bags. Turn up to your front door armed with a heavy jab wearing a hockey mask.
And somebody's gettin 'Hurt' If i don't see Johnny's Cash!
They sent you on a suicide mission, i guess they think you're a retard.
Well if your bros try to jump in, ima send your KIN to the ER
Now spell it out, cos Johnny you shoulda focused on your Padmore and less on that crack pipe.
Now as a result this gon look uglier than a Paul Walker crash site.
You barely got passed a Bad Man (his previous battle) Now you're facin the bad guy.
I'm bout to 'expose' this 'wank stain' for showin up in front of black light.


RD 2 

Your style is predictable. Its basically an Aksel (another rapper like him) impression except for the fact that you lack aggression and the presence.
I'm not impressed with the fact that you stack a sentence with rapid segments just to finish your rap in seconds.
Cos you told Bad Man he doesn't use elaborate thinkin when he's rappin lyrics and that's the difference.
Well faggot listen. I'm a savage with this, grab a bag n stash every slasher weapon with a jagged edge n if it gets past words/passwords, you're gettin hacked in seconds!
See you're Will Ferrell with the hands (Talladega Knights). I'm ambidextrous..
I can't take these bitches out nowhere.. the left will put you down and the right will leave a bad impression!
But they say you got a spark you little bitch. Well i'm the killswitch, about to make you a current event from this second verse.
You must've had your wires crossed thinkin you cut out for this circuit and i'm positive that's gon get you mega hurt/megahertz.
See battle rap is about energy, there's plenty negatives for turning up with whack rhymes.
They shoulda checked your pulse cos all i can see is a dead man spitting those flat lines!
I'm here to collect, Chris (league owner) can't save you from your sins. Its too late to get baptized.
It's too late for salvation, there'll be no priests or rabbis.
But it ain't all grim, just look on the bright side. At least you get to go home n say you got a black eye from the black guy!
I'm like Mike Tys on fight night, hit you with a right you goin night night.
And if that don't work the blade'll open his mind like Zeitgeist!
This a prized fight but my verses will be the highlight, get ya mind right I'm like Em when he went to his first open mic night.
Or MJ doin the moonwalk in the lime light. You're a nice guy but this what happens when Bad Meets Evil, Royce Da 5'9.
You got a couple of angles n personals? Nice try but talent don't mean shit unless work ethic is applied right.
Now you feelin brave just cos you took on a Bad Man? That's just sad man, i'll sock your nanna then Van Damme ya grandad!

RD 3 

Battle rap is slowly being ruined by politics and favoritism.
These days its more about who you're homies with rather than what you can do on a stage with writtens. (basically his best mate, an organizer in the league got him this battle)
And shit goes perfectly if you play your position, but step outta line or speak your mind and you're faced with indifference.

Edited by Osyris - 23 March 2017 at 3:21pm

Osyris wrote: RD 1 It's an honor to be here, invited to Training Days. But  you done matched me up with a hermit. Yo you look like you ain't seen a train in days.. well check this out Whilst you were writin your raps, preparing for me for Training Days.. The boys had your bitch back at the crib running a train for days! I like that your playing with words but this was a quite along build up to little reward. The end line okay don't get me wrong but it wasn't worth the journey to get there. Johnny Padmore AKA Kiner. They said you had a gift rapping/wrapping, well this is battle rap where you stand an amateur. Cos you might have a gift.. but its a shit one, that's Lynx Africa. - The multi matches on paper but i think a pause or "like" would have sounded better. I like the play though, nice. See I came prepared for war like Normandy on D-Day Watch me 'flip out' and put him to sleep, somebody get JP his PJ's (flipping his initials, sleep=pjs) It's playful but a bit light Cos these hands are fire, if the first connect you better have a comprehensive dental plan. And you don't want no smoke...cos you gon die from the second hand. -Nice You better come up with another fuckin plan, i got Buster Douglas hands once these punches land. You'll get stretched out like country twang, and they'll see bits of you everywhere, That's a good marketing strategy for your company brand! -Don't know if i'm missing something but not doing anything for me, whole sections quite stretched too You tryna fuckin dance? Well this can get viral any second. I suggest you do the mannequin challenge (keep still) or the running man. - I like this I does this fam, white boy killer straight from the motherland. And there's levels to this..you're rap beef at Summer Jam. -This felt light I'm a bunch of angry Arabs living in a war torn country, pickin up grenades an launching them at fuckin tanks!- Not a massive fan of the descriptive stuff as much - my critique here is you should buid up to the hardest/nicest bar so i would of put the 1st last the 3rd 2nd and the 2nd 1st, if that makes sense You copy that? It's body bags. Turn up to your front door armed with a heavy jab wearing a hockey mask. with him being called Johnny (j) i felt a " l got / i'm leaving "j sonned" play woud of tied in nice to the hockey mask reference. As is its just a descriptive multi swag thing.. And somebody's gettin 'Hurt' If i don't see Johnny's Cash! = Nice They sent you on a suicide mission, i guess they think you're a retard. Well if your bros try to jump in, ima send your KIN to the ER - Not a fan of this style of punch but the crowd liked it still showed creativity Now spell it out, cos Johnny you shoulda focused on your Padmore and less on that crack pipe. Now as a result this gon look uglier than a Paul Walker crash site - nice You barely got passed a Bad Man (his previous battle) Now you're facin the bad guy. I'm bout to 'expose' this 'wank stain' for showin up in front of black light - meh i get it but not my cup of tea again

Osyris wrote: RD 2  Your style is predictable. Its basically an Aksel (another rapper like him) impression except for the fact that you lack aggression and the presence. - nice flow I'm not impressed with the fact that you stack a sentence with rapid segments just to finish your rap in seconds. - ditto It sounds good as a whole this is a case where your delivery helped the content Cos you told Bad Man he doesn't use elaborate thinkin when he's rappin lyrics and that's the difference. Well faggot listen. I'm a savage with this, grab a bag n stash every slasher weapon with a jagged edge n if it gets past words/passwords, you're gettin hacked in seconds! This did sound good pretty nice section overall. See you're Will Ferrell with the hands (Talladega Knights). I'm ambidextrous.. I can't take these bitches out nowhere.. the left will put you down and the right will leave a bad impression! Don't know the reference But they say you got a spark you little bitch. Well i'm the killswitch, about to make you a current event from this second verse. You must've had your wires crossed thinkin you cut out for this circuit and i'm positive that's gon get you mega hurt/megahertz. This was good and bad your tied in nice and delivered just ended on a slightly corny wordplay See battle rap is about energy, there's plenty negatives for turning up with whack rhymes. They shoulda checked your pulse cos all i can see is a dead man spitting those flat lines! this was okay I'm here to collect, Chris (league owner) can't save you from your sins. Its too late to get baptized. It's too late for salvation, there'll be no priests or rabbis. But it ain't all grim, just look on the bright side. At least you get to go home n say you got a black eye from the black guy! Sounded better than it reads, your delivery sold it but not that heavy on paper I'm like Mike Tys on fight night, hit you with a right you goin night night. And if that don't work the blade'll open his mind like Zeitgeist! Good shit This a prized fight but my verses will be the highlight, get ya mind right I'm like Em when he went to his first open mic night. Or MJ doin the moonwalk in the lime light. You're a nice guy but this what happens when Bad Meets Evil, Royce Da 5'9. Opposite here it wasn't as delivered as well here but the royce da 59 line made me pull a little stink face You got a couple of angles n personals? Nice try but talent don't mean shit unless work ethic is applied right. Now you feelin brave just cos you took on a Bad Man? That's just sad man, i'll sock your nanna then Van Damme ya grandad! Wasn't a fan of the ending RD 3  Battle rap is slowly being ruined by politics and favoritism. These days its more about who you're homies with rather than what you can do on a stage with writtens. (basically his best mate, an organizer in the league got him this battle) And shit goes perfectly if you play your position, but step outta line or speak your mind and you're faced with indifference. It's gotten so bad its basically a plague or a sickness. But shout outs to the real ones who don't partake in the symptoms. I did 4 solid battles last year and only got praise from the crickets and you do one trials battle and they're saying you're gifted? I like the sentiment, the angle and the just tellin it how it is but you used alot of time up here with little damage. Well now it's time to show and prove, cos i don't believe the hype. Police brutality, you're bout to cop a beating if you don't read my rights! cool Cos in your last bout you compared yourself to a kid that went to college n got a scholarship, then became an obstetrician that qualified for the top division. Well that's some novice shit. If that's the case i'm a paleontologist on a mission cos i won't stop with this dagger till i find bone, i'm fossil digging! got better as it went on nice punch And they sent a wolf to get rid of a body like Pulp Fiction. cool reference You thought you were 'special'? Well the kid sees it different like autism. You are not a natural born killer an I am Jaws swimming. iffy wording autism line was cool though Abort mission, before i leave your corpse stricken lookin like a Saw victim, found in the morgue with your pores leakin. I am barbaric n torturous. Claim ya style is flawless, well i don't buy into it homes like mortgages! Sounded alright but not much happening here damage wise This an ice bucket challenge to cryogenics. You asked for a lighter match, they got you pyrotechnics. cool I got that fire in my pad to leave my rivals ended and you couldn't get the scoop on Osyris studying hieroglyphics! decent enough follow up These are burial rights, you're gettin bodied in rap/wrap. Just pray they have enough bandages to get you back to your mummy in tact. An speakin of that, tell your mum i aint tryna fuck. Her meat curtains are not worthy. But straight off the bat the head was crazy like.. "Lucille is thristy!" (Walking Dead, Neagan/Glenn scene). Could've been worded alot better with the set up but that last line was dope

not bad