Open Mic: Zombeez Part 2.

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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 13 August 2014 at 8:56pm

The night is long and i have been driving for 16 hours straight

I fight to stay awake and hopefully bunker down in a desolate place//

I find an encaged place near a lake where i can take a little brake

Twelve gauge at hand, i take base and im fighting to stay awake//

I had to take my daughters fate, i threw her out like she was some bait

Nothing can equate to the pain and distain, my heart begins to ache//

I begin to meditate and now i feel sedated, i fall asleep in this estate

I awake around eight and gunz ablaze, i feel like im back in Kuwait//

The night stalkers, snakes with gaits have just broke through the gates

My mind state is alert, i spray away like this lead is going out of date//

I hear a faint voice, "hey mate, can i partake in this savage battle?

Let's guard this castle, a theatrical display of tactical animals//

Killing brain dead cannibals in masterful ways bones break and crackle

Chopping up clavicles with mechanical spiked paddles with no hassle//

Popping off Hannibal’s like a tyrannical psycho, i see mass collateral

The exit is now passable, we hop in my car like it’s a horse and sattle//

"What’s the matter yo? I just killed my daughter twice, how is this practical?

i had to dismantle her mandible with an irascible action, it was intangible//

It was tragic-yo to witness such a graphical image, im at my mental limits

We take base for a minute, me and my mate get this feeling, we’re timid //

fuck here we go again, fitted with whit’s be begin to rip shit up in an instant

we mimic each other’s moves and now we are addicted to this twisted living//

Their pigments of skin look like reptilians and their hunting is efficient

We are two militants fighting off livid villains fitted with tough resilience//

Must have killed millions, my nightmare is a reality and dreams are vivid

We took bunker for the night in a closed off pavilion connected to a state prison//

 

 

 



Edited by daydizzle89 - 13 August 2014 at 9:01pm
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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 August 2014 at 11:51pm
Bump a cum bucket
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 August 2014 at 5:49am
I just replied to part one and didn't see this one was already posted. But what I wanted to see for a part 2 (as I mentioned in part 1) is actually here. You were much better in your details and plot progression as well as your writing technique and rhyme skills. The improvement made the piece much more enjoyable. Although there are multiple rhymes, there aren't too many multi-syllabic rhymes which I'd like to see you experiment with more. A lot of the lines were a bit lengthy as well and that was because of some of the forced multis you put in there that weren't too significant. Still a huge improvement from the first one. Hard to see where you'll head with this though since it's taken a Walking Dead turn at the end. That's if you even plan on doing a third part.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 August 2014 at 3:22pm
Thanks for the feed. I'll be working on a 3rd after the weekend
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