Open Mic: a lyric I started working on... feed?

Just gotta say tho... regarding EU and all this...

We are just turning in to another fucking United states.. And no disrespect, no problem with the people, the greedy fucks in charge tho....

What I mean is, example:

Let's say, just for fun, that cannabis was legal in the country I was born and raised, Sweden.. I would never ever again touch a drop of alcohol and only toke on that sweet sweet cheeba...

BUT

The EU law sais it's illegal, and what a shame for you,
your countries laws dont mean shit in the face of E.U!
You shall now hang for something so feeble and trife,
feels like getting, in my back, jacked and stabbed with the blunt edge of a rusty blade n' knife

If you ask me, a truly impressive and sneaky way of getting alot of countries and people together... 
Without even asking their consent..
Only question is if the purpose is for evil or good since they never,
truly tell you their true intent ....
I doubt it will get any better than it already is, most likely take a turn for the worse...
But hopefully we can rebuild something out of the ashes of "babylon",
first law shall be "thou shall not forget your past nor your history, bring it thus forth through our child-e-ren!"


This is just my "foundation" for the text, zero /(now some) polishing put down on this, and it's far from done..

So don't need to give hardcore feed, on that the rhyme scheme and so on is flawed... Since I know this myself and like already said, far from done..




Edited by SwedishDope - 25 January 2013 at 2:55pm

Haha, I know dude, thank u for the honesty none the less...

If u read the whole thing this is the "foundation" of a new track I started to form in my mind yesterday and began putting down in words earlier today..

Any feed on the concept and the few rhymes u can find? ;D

Cee-Jay Outlaw wrote: Kinda as DTK said... were the rhymes hiding in there somewhere? in terms of a concept the ideas not half bad, its whether you can link it up with the end rhymes and internals to pull it off, make it flow and  yet maintain the same sort of fire and enthusiasm throughout, its not an easy job and for some on the site, can make it look effortless..

Haha, again, ty u for the honesty! :)

But as I replied on DTK, this is just a concept, foundation, which I started to form in my mind yesterday sometime and started to put down in words earlier today, like 20-30 mins before posting this thread... SO, with that said, don't give up hope on it just yet! :)

(will most likely not be about the cannabis shit either... more like "a big" question... cannabis is for me personally but ... not to enough people to make it stick..)

Here is some real dope shit, makes me proud swedes be dropping it so hard! 

The Casual Brothers - Decalartion of Motivation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uoc4w3DQpJY


Edited by SwedishDope - 25 January 2013 at 3:15pm

@ Chain...


Since im so new to this...
Im here for opinions on what the fuck I write, thought that was why u call it "OPEN mic"
and u wont see anything TRULY finished for a long fucking while,
so if u dont wanna read my shit, dont... easy as that...
and I couldn't care less for ur fuckin' cake...
give me a break..


From me to you, freestyling... Been in the "BIS" for 15 days running..


Edited by SwedishDope - 25 January 2013 at 5:14pm

Okay, Jay, thats fun... because the other help I've gotten has been the opposite... thinking I post TOO MUCH, and instead try with a few lines to get feed...

Rameez, if u dont feel like or Im starting to wonder if u are able to... read my stuff.. dont leave a worthless comment to tell the rest of us..

I gave you honest feed back.. I'll give you honest feedback in detail..


We are just turning in to another fucking United states.. And no disrespect, no problem with the people, the greedy fucks in charge tho....
^^We?? who? you think everyone will agree to this?

What I mean is, example:

Let's say, just for fun, that cannabis was legal in the country I was born and raised, Sweden.. I would never ever again touch a drop of alcohol and only toke on that sweet sweet cheeba...
^^wtf? this even confuse me more as an example

BUT

The EU law sais it's illegal, and what a shame for you,
your countries laws dont mean shit in the face of E.U!
You shall now hang for something so feeble and trife,
feels like getting, in my back, jacked and stabbed with the blunt edge of a rusty blade n' knife
^^Smh... whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????????????
you mean EU law states?

If you ask me, a truly impressive and sneaky way of getting alot of countries and people together... 
Without even asking their consent..
Only question is if the purpose is for evil or good since they never,
truly tell you their true intent ....
I doubt it will get any better than it already is, most likely take a turn for the worse...
But hopefully we can rebuild something out of the ashes of "babylon",
first law shall be "thou shall not forget your past nor your history, bring it thus forth through our child-e-ren!"
^^^ sorry that even getting more awkward


This is just my "foundation" for the text, zero /(now some) polishing put down on this, and it's far from done..

So don't need to give hardcore feed, on that the rhyme scheme and so on is flawed... Since I know this myself and like already said, far from done..

awkward

your score for this piece of shit is 0/10, plus -3 for refusing to accept the feed

This is my honest feedback.

@ rameez, If it still makes no sense to u and u still give the whole thing 0/10 then u are a disgrace to represent this site as a 3/5 stars member...


My personal vote: downgrade to newbie permanently..

-Que- wrote: I'll make this eeezy to understand Swedish Meatball ........I do enjoy your concepts and such but you can't possibly subject everyone to your every whim of thought. All you left out was what time you had to use the john. I don't give a shit how you come up with something unless its a hot drop and I already read it. Enough with all this Dr. Shrinker shit! And.....the way you come off as if "You're just so so intellectual and you gotta dumb it down for the rest of us."

Okay sorry, thats my bad, overposting half done shit... But I'm real thrilled over this new hobby of writing verses and improving it... That's why I am here in the first place, to learn more, get feedback on what I write, I believe that u become abit blind to your own work... So I'm sorry that I'm abit overenthusiastic about all this, I am..

And I dont wanna come off as that, even tho the REPLY on Rameez "detailed" and "great" feedback need a proper "that kind of behavior" diss as reply... Sorry if that's not how you doing things at this forum but the guy is simply not that good for the site in my opinion... and thank god what I care doesnt matter, but if that's his way of giving critique maybe he should give it a rest...


Does more damage then anything else... didnt mean to me u pretender(Rameez)... But maybe for other people who might not be as sure in themselfs, Just expressing my personal opinion to make that clear... and that was all I wanted to have said.

Hope u understand that Im not a big douch, far from it... Peace


Edit: Not highly educated either... Was thinking about the intellectual part... and I'm only rude if someone being rude to me... Easy as pie.. be nice or be rude in a constructive way and Im always nice



Edited by SwedishDope - 26 January 2013 at 1:09am