Open Mic: Generally a Nazi |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 02 May 2015 at 12:45am |
From Round 2 of Identity Crisis...write a verse as a Nazi General
Harsh courses in the armed forces has you respecting authority Ill prepares you for directing autonomy, suspecting all scholarly Ideas, the night sears and burns those who followed the system Trusting banks and Jews who spoke with the hollowest wisdom The bread lines spread miles, they threw crumbs like projectiles Makes my blood boil knowing we've succumbed to those reptiles Who've plundered our textiles, munitions, and other industries Never wondered where the threat lies, it doesn't interest me The politics, false promises, collaring the spirit of our nation The West has us hemmed in, the limits are frustrating Restricting our recruits, making us defenceless, it's senseless!! But then the Nazis came in the middle of the tempest Hypnotic Hitler spoke like he was mimicking a temptress With every vowel and curse he'd make the clouds disperse With the proudest verse, made us feel our power and worth And he's telling all the generals we're to scour the earth... So we prepared raw, with vulgarity for war in totality Swore the law was a fallacy, oversaw the brutality Training camps, maiming tramps, just the beginning Sinister sinning, swigging gin, militants, this is winning A lightning war, a Breitling force, a frightening thought Sniping scores, heightening trau-ma, life killed...corpse Of course we riddled the villains with millions of shells And if you survived well, you were living through Hell Punish the Polish, hellion for Belgiums, Finnish the French Batter the British in the Battle of Britain, listen, the stench Of blood and guts was disgusting, but our violent pollution Laid the foundations in the East for our final solution.... We herded the Jews up into the East into ghettos "Don't belong on our land, a pest of a beast like a gekko We'll treat them like echoes, remnants of the past And make art from the carcass, like Rembrandt with a gas" Coz our enemies are everywhere, total, pervasive "From the Slavs to the Jews, gays and the vagrants The vermin deserving of burning, advancing a coma Then scatter them across all our land like the Roma A travelling circus of death", my tempers flagrant "I'll personally murder the Yids for my entertainment" Make all the right noises, so I don't threaten suspicions Coz Turing's Enigma wasn't the only weapon for Britain... Yes I was a turncoat, a plant, a tactical Tommy Why the fuck else you think Hitler was attacking the Commies?! When they had us in a corner, battered, defeated Deep in a war room we had the actions repeated I advocated heavily for an attack on the Russians "Strike now and it'll lead to those bastards' destruction!" Other generals were sceptical, "this is no turn for the good" But Hitlers bile for the Slavs made him yearn for their blood So our master plan was enacted, the patsy was bonkers A strike from within was how the Nazis were conquered... |
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levy420
Superior Member Joined: 22 May 2013 Location: San Antonio TX Status: Offline Points: 3443 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 39-33-4 Form: LWWLLN |
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This was sick cube's kept you glued in from start to finish an its all factual very vivid in description an the internals are everywhere like how u transitioned to different schemes vocabulary was there as well this was great from top to finish good shit like usual cubes
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ImmortalViolet
Newbie Joined: 03 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 15 |
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loved this ay .. I have nothing to say to perfect it because its already perfect omg the flow amazing and words and tong twisters loved them !!!
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Yo Cubes i thoroughly enjoyed this piece it ran like a diary of a general the stanza's you put on here were informative and each one had to have its own sub heading thats just how on point the format and plot was the flow was an oil slik damn i ebjoye the end schemes and internals straight up game man a solid drop no doubt good work
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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This is slick as fuck. I love the way you told this story brothaman. Your mechanics are always good so im not gonna bother and tell you that your skills are good. The story though. Really nice shit. The was you described this was like a Nazi soldier. I felt hooked almost right off the bat. Good stuff
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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liked your rhyming through out, some nice meta's, crumb an circus parts especially, story wise i dunno, id hoped you might battle within yourself as a nazi to justify it to yourself better, as im sure 99% must of, it kind of felt like your perspective was a little robotic, the second verse was dope, mad fluid, your twist at the end sort of came out of nowhere and was a little too final and i dunno, not sure you ever had enough of a personal storyline to come in an affect it like that from the perspective you were in, i would have preferred it if you had jus kept dropping knowledge from a distance. stay up cubes
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Cheers for the feedback guys.
FO, nice to see you back!! I was trying to keep it fresh across the whole verse...so like he starts off in his position a bit brainwashed like I guess loads of people were, they weren't as aggressively anti Semitic at the start so I was trying to have him swept along with it. But then he's in a senior position & sees the reality and gets spun by the British. I guess I didn't quite get the balance right between dropping hints about his doubts/concerns and making it a surprise twist. I wanted it to be like "whoah, why did he turn?!" but I can see how it could come off a bit disjointed! |
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Shankley
Superior Member Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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I liked it Cubes i think i voted for it in ya battle. I liked how smoothly you were able to tell a great story and keeping it feeling like a verse as opposed to just being a story. Your use of rhymes both internally and end rhymes were a show of talent for this type of writing. You had sone really nice multis and metaphors and you really imo got in the mindset of a Nazi general, i thought it had an almost "Schindlers List" feel to it. A verse of that many lines is hard to keep the reader entertained ALLL the way through and i feel you did that, once you start reading bedfore you know it you've nearly fi ished whi h is a sign of good writing. Props on this Cuba it was an excellent piece on a very emotive subject.
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queensavage
Newbie Joined: 01 May 2015 Location: midland texas Status: Offline Points: 19 Crew: XFade: Phoenix |
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alright i see you you got some good stuff
you used GREAT vocabulary haha i had to look some stuff up but theres nothing bad about that!! i was lookin at a lot of your stuff after this piece. aye this isnt the only good one....you got a lot of good stuff bruh....i mean sorry if i said that a lot but its so true...and i give you props on those metaphors |
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Good to see you droppin cubes.
Honestly, know ones feed will do this piece justice... This was pure crack. ill as fuck. From top to bottom it read like a movie...you set the scene perfectly in each section. You could truly envision it. The rhyme scheme was dope and mixing your angle to this piece it really shined. The detail you put into this was amazing I commend your work on this bruh...and your dedication to your craft. |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Cheers all, let me see if I can RTF then I'm going to go write a quick extension to my semi final verse
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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I'm looking forward to that, no offense to Zin at all because he was dope but I had you as the clear winner myself (and I knew it was you 100% lol, Law can vouch for that.) I'll give this the proper feed it deserves over the weekend as I'm frankly fucked from work and wouldn' concentrate enough right now, however fo quick feed: Flow was nice, didn't notice any fall-offs, content was delivered well and paced nicely and I like your angle though I agree a little with the comment someone else said about "inner turmoil." As I say, i'll go more in-depth over the weekend.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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queensavage
Newbie Joined: 01 May 2015 Location: midland texas Status: Offline Points: 19 Crew: XFade: Phoenix |
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hey thanks for judging my stuff ...if you dont mind pleasee pleasee check out my last one...could really use your advice
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