Open Mic: Brood of resentment |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 28 May 2016 at 12:26am |
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Thanks bro
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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I wouldn't necessarily say poor because the verse, as a whole, is good. Just felt the switch could've been a bit more subtle and since you're creative like that. I have no doubts whatsoever you'd be able to do that!
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#Bananas
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Sup Ende, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for showin me my mistakes cause next time i'l make sure not to repeat em.
Lol i just saw why you said my 2nd part of the verse was too sudden, indeed it feels just like that when i read it, that's some poor progression i made right there. #Thumbs up |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Sky, I like the way you think.
The opening bar is creative as fuck and then you flip the script with dope metaphors. The flow was stable and I like how you connected a faux paradise with mental enslavement.
Okay, I see the connection between this section and the previous, but I felt it was too sudden. The renting friends bit felt a bit forced as it didn't make that much sense to be but when I think about it, I think I get what you tried to do.
Second line was a bit wordy, other than that, dope.
Went over my head. Care to elaborate?
This was pretty dope, man! Especially the second in to the third line. Stating how the guy was forced to report bullshit instead of actual news which could, possibly, enlighten humanity. I also like how you switch the flow up from the third line one. Overall: Apart from a minor flow issue and a bar going over my head I think you did a real good job here. You connected subjects/theories in a way I haven't seen before and actually brought a quite original story. Sure, the media thing has been beaten to death but you presented it in a fresh manner. Good job!
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#Bananas
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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but packed with malice all seasons, it's a palace of demons, firmly stablised by a ballast, no reason for change, tradition bandits, skulls slit, completely potrayed, i perceive these open skulls, their brains still chained, and every thought outta the box, be enslaved in vain, every taste of pleasure in deceit enhances the hate, greats fade while tempting to embrace the pain, i'm a sweating journalist, taking a hot clip with shaking hands, cause hell is setting trends, swiftly prompting the fading land, you should as well be renting friends to survive the hating clans, or else face the handicap fast, from a pack of aging stans, i'm talking of a brood of vipers hissing a poisonous story, loyal sons of resentment who can hold a grudge like some trophy, a school of fighters for shame, blind and led by darkness, who can dig an 1885 grave just to press debt charges, i've captured enough gossip, i've paid my dues, i've paid my tithes, i've kept and obeyed the rules, but the news remains the same, lame and hopeless, the sight never changes, it's always another day, another camera, another play with another cam roll in progress. |
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