Open Mic: Ladies and Dragons Pt. 2 |
Post Reply |
Author |
Rating: Topic Search Topic Options
|
||||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 06 September 2016 at 10:28am |
||||||
The picture pictured fell to pieces because of his father figure Figures.. The figure he scribbled reminded him of the path given No exits and no entering, eternally stuck in the place his hand is in It growls and it barks yet satisfies his sins, amplifies his wins Calcifies his fins…. Just keep swimming but he wouldn’t listen to Dory Dismiss her she’s boring, another bitch in a pond filled with visions of
glory The simpelest goals? Uh… He’s still raking in bitches with hoes Pidgeons and crows, ugly or pretty they’re all positioned in holes Women conditioned to know their deficiency imprisones their soul Little Red Riding Hood between the distels and roses fishing for hope Hidden in a skin as coat is the Big Bad Wolf gently kissing their throat Knitting a rope - sniffing, licking and groping women to rip off their clothes Sooo…. The picture pictured is no longer the image of his father Figures, the mirror only mirrors a privileged toddler Mimics, the acts of a daddy but swimming in dollars Pillage, women until he’s no longer willing to bother To finish his endeavor to redemption because it doesn’t exist ...Daddy made him a monster... |
|||||||
#Bananas
|
|||||||
alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
So, I still remember the first part to be a very impressive one, and I think this was no different.
I really enjoyed the varying consonances you incorporated and the rhyme scheme was a rather enhanced one, which overall made for a smooth read. The vocabulary you employed, such as "calcified", was very intriguing. Content-wise, it was very interesting. I particularly enjoyed the quite different and some contrasting references. The "red riding hood" bar was really amazing. I also enjoyed the overall direction of this and how you carried the concept in a different yet still unique way, allowing a story of its own. Overall, an enjoyable read! |
|||||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Thank you, miss Alice.
|
|||||||
#Bananas
|
|||||||
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Endy dropping bars. been a drought since i seen you drop brothaman. So let me get
into this shizznit. The opening... I have mixed emotions about it but i seen you went with something here. The double usage of words Pictured, Piture, Figure Figures. I am not a fan of this but it wasnt that badly executed. The beggining end rhymes were a little to slanty but i caught. the 3rd bar was crisp brotha. the multis, internals and scheme was pretty dope. now it picks up with some dope flow. quicker tempo, this is the type of shit i like to read, the multie strings are nice here and keeps that tempo upbeat. good shit man. The ending was pretty dope. made this come full circle. Overall- this was pretty nice Endy, I wish it was a little longer but the content and mechanics on point. Peace yooo |
|||||||
iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
"The simpelest goals? Uh… He’s still raking in bitches with hoes Pidgeons and crows, ugly or pretty they’re all positioned in holes Women conditioned to know their deficiency imprisones their soul Little Red Riding Hood between the distels and roses fishing for hope Hidden in a skin as coat is the Big Bad Wolf gently kissing their throat Knitting a rope - sniffing, licking and groping women to rip off their clothes" BRUH... this shit right here. This shit right here... This shit right here that shit was flame... loved how every transition was effortless and seamless. it just was extremely well delivered and there was no forced multis as far as content. excellent writing
|
|||||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Lmao, thanks guys.
|
|||||||
#Bananas
|
|||||||
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Like Alice I also remember pt1,this here although shorter does run
along well with pt1 too,I liked your film/fairytale references also, the piece had a feeling of being more subtle compared to pt1,pt1 I believe was more graphic,but then that was the father,this is him, like he's father it's all about himself and self pleasures,what a awfully horrid trend to start by the father in pt1,still we are all primates so I guess that saying rings true here in this verse,and that's (monkeys see/monkeys do),this was a well presented drop I thought,your wording was bright and crisp and as for the tempo,it was ripe,the rhymes scheme and word choices were top notch here, I enjoyed the read throughout...peace. |
|||||||
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|||||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Thank you Crim!
|
|||||||
#Bananas
|
|||||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Gotta up this, yanno?
|
|||||||
#Bananas
|
|||||||
nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
I didn't catch the first drop but rhw level of description here filled me in that's the thing with poetry some thing's are put in a way that you can see the depth the concepts were derived from I thoroughly enjoyed this read the schemes were jotted perfectly and the depth of the message was well received props
|
|||||||
SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||||
Well...I suppose I have a few moments to spare. So let's break it down.
Hmmm...I understand what's being implied here in regard to the father-son relationship, however, the imagery maybe a little too abstract right off the bat because I'm not getting a clear enough visual to truly make sense of it all.
What barks, E? And how does it calcify his fins? I get that it's metaphorical, but what is the actual metaphor here?
^Okay, I am digging the transitional wordplay in these lines. I'm also getting the sense that the father's behavior is starting to make a significant impression on the impressionable mind of his son. So much so that the child is beginning to view the world in and abnormally mature way (does that make sense?). Really dope stuff here, E.
Again, the transitional wordplay is dope here. I like how you've kept the animal names and metaphors within the lexicon of the standard pimp-like vernacular (i.e.; fish, birds, and bitches). I think this creates an unpleasant, yet at the same time, a necessary and authentic atmosphere. Not to mention the context of the "pigeon hole" line did not go unnoticed. Clever. And also...very dope.
Distel? Hmmm...I was unfamiliar with the word so I looked it up. From what I gather I think you're saying she is tied down in someway and all she can do is dream of better days (in so many words or less). In any case, I think that first line perfectly articulates the mental state of most prostitutes. And by choosing the word "condition" you indirectly alluded to the pimps that brainwash these young women into becoming sex slaves for profit by using fear and insecurity as a physiological weapon against them. Nicely written my dude.
Well I think the metaphor is obvious here so I won't waste time dissecting it. But what I will do instead is give you your just dues on how dope you crafted these two lines together. From the flow to the imagery everything was A1.
Dope way to wrap it all up, bro. So in essence the innocent and impressionable youth grows up to becomes the mirror image of the man that corrupted him? Hmmm... Interesting. Overall it was a fascinating narrative filled with stellar mechanics and a unique perspective. As well as a worthy sequel. I dug it. Peace... |
|||||||
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|