Open Mic: [Chain Reaction] Haunted |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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Posted: 20 December 2016 at 8:09pm |
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Topic: Being haunted...either you haunting
someone, or you being haunted by an event or person from the past
- Hi Will, This morning I woke to soaked pillows and sheets Raw throat, eyes feel like they’ve been open for weeks Toss, turn, sit up, a Constant rinse ‘n repeat Insomniac drifting in and out, Temazepam for my sleep Deep inside echoes stir recurring panoptic vista Dream perceptions so real it hits optics like a ballista Gripping bed rails until my hands bloody and blister Fists to headboards knuckles bust open and splinter Mother screaming wake up. I see the fear on her face Scared the person I am is not the same man that she raised Tears grazing her cheeks while our relationship fades Pulling away from the one who was the light to my shade Nights erasing days I’ll never get back to just say ‘I love you’ – if those words are ever enough to convey Strange way to show it. I know. I’m growing ashamed Or paranoid thinking the world figured out I’m insane Can’t reconfigure my life or put it back in the frame Since that day you lost control. Car slid off the Highway Head slumped in my lap. Screaming for God to explain Why my best friend and me is not breathing the same Could barely sign the guest book when your funeral came May as well burry me too and throw dirt on the grave A part of me died. Seems like the worst of me stayed Hope this hurt in my heart will soon move further away I have nothing. No words or quips I can leverage or say Ill never forget you or that look of dread on your face Believe me friend It still haunts me. right now and every day Edited by rhetorical - 20 December 2016 at 8:59pm |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Edit Typo: "buried" to "burry"
But, yeah... What can I say that you don't already know? I liked this piece my dude. A lot actually. Not only did it have all the fancy mechanics and required devices we look for when reviewing a piece, but it also -- and more importantly -- possesed an intangible quality no amount of technique can produce -- heart. Real spit. I could tell right from the jump this verse was coming from a real place. It was something I, as a reader, could feel and relate to. Especially, the relationship with your mother. Speaking of which I need to call mine. Anyway, sorry for ya loss, bro. As made obvious by the depth of your words and effort you displayed, your buddy meant a lot to you. So much so it transcended text. Now in terms of pure lyricism these are the lines that most impressed me...
^I dug the wording, the thoughtfulness of the description, the assonances, and the flow.
^This is a powerful passage of text and one I can relate to. I dug the "light to my shade" metaphors. And the I thought your wording was impressive as well as your flow. Everything fit snugly within the imaginary confines of the "meter".
^Exactly what I feel like when I go to the mall or the grocery store baked. lol. Can’t reconfigure my life or put it back in the frame Since that day you lost control. Car slid off the Highway Head slumped in my lap. Screaming for God to explain
^Been there, bro. This is some real shit. Quality drop, Rhet. Through and through. |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Damn, wasn't expecting that when I set you that challenge!! Was ripe. Not sure if it was a deliberate contrast type thing but I preferred towards the end when your vocab kind of dialled down a notch and you got a whole load more expressive...for me the simplest bits were the parts where you channelled that emotion and it made it really resonate. Closer was poignant and felt authentic, that & the "part of me died...worst of me stayed" bit were potent. Looking back on the drop though even that "relationship fades" part is strong...like you have real strong expressiveness in your phrasing. Sometimes it comes across as if you're stretching on the vocab, but maybe that's because you have a wider range than me and you're more comfortable with it. I dunno.
Regardless you took this in a direction I wasn't expecting and it was real refreshing if a little harrowing at the same time. Echo the sentiments of Self, quality drop. |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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thank you for the topic. its something ive been wanting to write about for a while, your topic gave me a reason.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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damn this is heavy, bro. THis was cinematic as hell. using words you paint such a vivid picture. from the sweat laden pillows to the psychotic episode. Even the expression of your mom's face was done with such humanistic strokes. Ultimately, what made the whole thing work was the emotion. if there wasn't a semblance of sincerity this could've easily been a regular fiction with death as the usual grasp at reaction, ha, but in this piece, stuff like this:
Nights erasing days I’ll never get back to just say ‘I love you’ – if those words are ever enough to convey Strange way to show it there's something raw and so organic about that segment. It made the piece more real, u know? overall, man this was a dope Chain Reaction response. man can't wait to see more of ur stuff, man! write more! |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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yooo...I just read this....I dont have time now but I will def drop proper feed that this deserves in the next day or two...dope shit by the way
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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