Open Mic: True Identity |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 09 August 2017 at 4:37pm |
I'm truly a mighty man, emotionally and mentally strong, Equiped to endure hardships though my journey's too long. Excitement misleads and beauteous women deceive the simple, Their smiles and actions potray innocence but the intend indeed is evil, Nevertheless, i made wisdom my friend and a trend on the markets, And today i pick demons, eyes closed, even in complete darkness, Take no advantage of my kindness, even my kindness is heartless, eyes plucked and replanted on my heart to amplify my sight's sharpness. I perceive temptation at a distant and find another route, Resisting is also temptation clothed in another suit, But i've plastered my morals on my heart's surface, And painted its walls with self-control fused with earnest. I know I'm someone's role model despite my self-doubts, Despite a crushed reputation, that dried up like droughts, Hence i'm proud, to vividly understand, that i live not for myself, But others too, even those who would gladly pick my book from a shelf. |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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first off, that closer is what I call craftsmanship. normally when folks take a "coin'd phrase".. they incorporate it.. but you didnt even hint at it. typically youd see a "judge" in there. maybe a law school play about the cover.. but those are the kinds of lines I love. the subtle slick shit. its an artform sky. I also liked wisdom my friend as well.
overall, what I gathered from the piece is either your girl cheated or you banged a less than pure woman and some folks dont understand. or maybe you banged your homies girl.. ..its all kinda vague but leans towards a woman is involved. I liked it. keep shaking that rust and giving us a quotable my friend. |
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#Bananas
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Nice to see you dropping again.
I really liked your opening bar, nothing too 'fancy' in terms of schemes but that's what makes the content more of a focal point. It had an impressive, personal tone to it. The poetic word choice in your second bar was also somewhat interesting, although the content was nothing new (at least nothing which I personally care for). But I can appreciate the imagery you employed in the middle section, you kind of subtly touched on dichotomous patterns, which is great to see. I enjoyed how you directed the 'positive' tone from the beginning to greater heights, conceptually speaking, the 'role model/self doubt' part is a prime example of that. Your closing bar was the highlight for me, though, as it seemed more structured for a more in-depth understanding. At times your lines seemed slightly touching on one topic and then shifting towards a generalisation of 'temptations/sins', but your closing line served its purpose. Nice read overall.
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Thanks for the feed Alice
Much appreciated |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah i liked this Sky the story was engaging,plus it had an emotional vibe etched
within also,your contents were relevant and relatable and the similes were nicely expressed here too,(reputation/drought) just to highlight one,the searching aspect was for me the driving force here,seeking out the bad to find the good,like hunting for a diamond in the ruff,plus adding an alternative where your waiting to be found or selected was good also,the ending like others have pointed out was solid and poeticly delivered i thought,enjoyed the read here Sky,a piece i guess we can all relate too...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Lol damn. I don't how you picked that up. Yes a woman is behind the script. Lol i didn't expect such a deep analysis, thanks bro. Thanks for the great feed i'll keep shaking the rust off... |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Thanks for the feed Crim bro. Im glad you could relate
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