Open Mic: suicide note |
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sparta
Standard Member ..Палач.. Joined: 20 June 2006 Location: Volgograd, RUS Status: Offline Points: 2401 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-13-2 Form: LWWLLL |
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Posted: 17 May 2008 at 9:44pm |
(quite long)
..... I think nothing The head a mix of fumes and void Invasions of inertia Filled with the dreams I can't avoid. Nasal wounds, I'm choking blood The fluids rise up through the throat A punctured lung, a shattered heart The touch of her remains remote. I swim in clouds of ephedrine But can't forget her icy hands My eyes are glazed, a shroud of black The remnants of a cursed romance. But when the visions knock me flat I think of her, a love escaped Of how she left me, slipped away, A lifetime spoiled, a conscience raped. Oh why, oh why, where did I fall, And flirt with devils of the mind And then I saw it, in the night, The note her perfect hand had signed. Tirades of hate, of love, despair I sat with shaking limbs for days My eyes an opaque sheet of tears, And nothing punctured through the haze. It comes again, the clench of love, It strangles lungs and grips the chest Paralysing, darting bolts, My tortured mind became obsessed. The spirits slide out from the glass And down into my shattered corpse Straight through my savaged, broken heart The liver struggles to absorb; Oh take me God, send lightning down! And smite this failure to the ground! Burn my body, char my soul And bring her near me when I'm found! Oh how I wish, oh how I lust For razors savaging my veins, I'll never touch her, hold her gaze Condemned to these immortal pains. Oh then she'll see how much I meant But couldn't put it into words Now she avoids, hides from my stares, Her mood is flying with the birds. Come down with me, and share my pain! I want you here inside my arms Oh baby, what I wouldn't give To have just one more outside chance. I damaged you, you ruined me You cast my soul out to the crows Oh darling, how I wish you knew How much I fear these mortal blows. I had you, let you slip away Your face will never leave me be I see it now, in dreams, in glass When will my love come back to me... I weep alone, she sleeps afar Her pretty face is quiet and still, I'd walk this earth to have her back, Nobody that I wouldn't kill. If she desired it, knife to flesh No limb I couldn't live without When will she see it, feel this hurt, That I write this note about. I leave this, darling, inked in blood, It spurts from wrists to stain the page It mingles with my bitter tears, A lifetime's worth of pain uncaged. The blood is streaming down my arms My vision slips, my mind is light, The knees are weakened, eyes are red My shattered soul has taken flight. And as I fall down to the gloom, My corpse surrendered to the flies, My darling, how I hope you see me, Every time you close your eyes. |
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frank white
Veteran First Audio Battle Winner Joined: 23 April 2004 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 1556 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: #13 Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LLNWWL |
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Wow, now these right here is top class writing full of emotion and passion. This is the kinda of piece that gets right into what is the human spirit. It is full of dark immages and contains an immortal love story that one that trasends death. This is a Snape and Lilly potter type shit, or any other unrequinted stories of love. This verse shows one of lifes fundematal truths, Love kills, but without it life looses its meaning. You can tell i enjoyed this verse in fact maybe my favourite i have ever read on this site, which seems odd given the dark nature of topic. Way to express your emotions mate, this was poetry
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the punching machine
bad boy 4 life biggie smalls was the illest |
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mcwoods
Superior Member Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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okay...
i may have got a little lost, some of it written in riddles somewhat... but maybe that's just me, it was good at the start, and then the end was rounded off nicely, a few nice lines, but in the middle got a little repetitive, i wouldnt say i lost interest but yano, i could sense thoughts kind of repeating and wondering when the conclusion would come. was a cool love poem, full of emotion and nice images nice job. |
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Oh how I wish, oh how I lust
For razors savaging my veins, I'll never touch her, hold her gaze Condemned to these immortal pains. It spurts from wrists to stain the page
It mingles with my bitter tears, A lifetime's worth of pain uncaged. My corpse surrendered to the flies,
My darling, how I hope you see me, Every time you close your eyes. you're a very scary person...real talk, LMAO ..nah, nah, that shit was dope, if it's a poem that is
i was feeling the visuals and how everything was worded so poetically
chea
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Fatal
Superior Member ...Wicked Wit Wordplay... Joined: 08 March 2005 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 6441 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-4-2 Form: WNNWWW |
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This was sick as fuck....frank said it all perfectly....great read bro
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sparta
Standard Member ..Палач.. Joined: 20 June 2006 Location: Volgograd, RUS Status: Offline Points: 2401 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-13-2 Form: LWWLLL |
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thanks for the feed boys...CHAIN, good to know its not just my battle verses that strike fear into ppl...woods, this was written over a long period of time in several stages, i was considering splitting it up but it was all about the same idea so i thought it was best to keep it together...thanks for the feed
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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the imagery was so detailed...the instant i started reading this, you took me into a different place...and seeing how it wasn't a rap, and more poetry, i immediately shunned away all distractions to focus on this read...and wow, the emotion you express in this was great...the darkness was what really hit me...how vulnerable you are in it, and still able to tell it...the desperation in the words, and the depression of missing something: all of that really struck me...from metaphors, to simple phrases, it was all pieced together perfectly IMO...the vivid vocab used, made it even better...and the story, crazy...the loss of hope, the sadness, the obsession, everything expressed real well...this was great sparta...
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Point Blank
Superior Member Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
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This definately should have got more feed...sorry for bumpin old shit but he just showed me this on MSN and I had to. This was incredible...the emotion, the imagery, the delivery. I aint that big on poetry but this got to me...the last 12 lines were especially sick.
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I-SEE-GRIPS
Standard Member Joined: 19 May 2008 Location: South London Status: Offline Points: 1214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 12-23-0 Form: LLWLLL |
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Good job bumping this Point........I may never have seen it as it was dropped just b4 my time.
Sparta I thought this was fucking outstanding bro, real talent for writing shown imo
defo worthy of a load more readers and feeders
Peace
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Sejan
Standard Member Joined: 11 May 2007 Location: SunCity. Status: Offline Points: 103 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-3-0 Form: LWLWL |
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Quite emotional and good worded.
Par Excellence.. Dope dope dope.. Especially the ending got me.. Great writing throughout.. Definately. |
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Laady #1.
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