Open Mic: summer love |
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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Posted: 10 November 2013 at 1:08pm |
I was beaming,
an looking like young loves summer dream the sun always shone on her.. man she was sweet the streaks of red in her hair lit up like her fiery side I was getting lost in her smiling eyes, while we drive couldn't help stare, an grin, as hers met mine speeding, singing 'long to tracks from way back in ninety five she had her feet sitting on the dash, an hands on her tanned thighs dressed in a tank top that can only be described as, dam tight. the sun setting gently, it fades into the dimmed light of night says she'd told her mum nine - says she's a little tight for time, well off the beaten track now, and she was like 'were we goin'.. i replied 'i'm not tellin... its called a surprise' 'alright?..', she said with a little bite.. an then she piped 'but what are we doing tonight'.. 'gettin fucked babe'.. *twice*.. I thought.. while gently pullin into a empty lay-by 'hello?!', 'emergency services, police, fire or ambulance?' 'police! please! my daughters missing, an im unsure of this man - her friends havent seen her.. her phones broke or off this is so unlike her, an we argued before she went sulking off 'and how olds your daughter, miss?.. twenty? what? im sorry.. but ring back in 48 hours.. till then its best not to worry..' *I really... really... wanted to fuck her..* her touch is electric, mate, I wonder how she fucks.. I bet her little erect nips taste as good as her wee muff always acts likes shes such a good girl, but maybe shed be naughty maybe if I showed her my dark side, she'd do the same.. for me.. I think she plays with me, teases me.. likes to wind me up always walkin to work in a short skirt that scream 'im a slut - tie me up'.. id sat behind her at school, close enough to smell her she wears chanel, jus like my mother did, with hints of vanilla i showed her kindness, showerin compliments, till she was like 'No, stop it' but.. id been friendzoned so hard... we'd even go clothes shoppin.. *..bitch..* stood at the door knockin, six cops and a swat team 'GET THE RAM READY.. HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'.. the slams steady an with a 'click' its popped off its hinges the search beginnin already siftin thru paperstacks and tossed syringes rippin every draw out. ignoring the stench of rot from the kitchens many half empty pots cause that girl - she been missin days, then without a flicker of hesitation or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, not cause hes breathin - he's jus tryna take it all in.. 'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..' 'what is this place.. whats goin on, its kind of creepy'.. 'Ive told you, its a secret.. C'mon... come inside.. youll see'.. walls all dark n dirtied, like theyd risen straight from earth fallen windows left jus iron bars, on this prison made from dirt vacated since the eighties, an asylum, where the different went to 'learn' it was lit up by a sick fuck a touch violent, an it still glistened where it'd burnt, charred roof n ash, scattered the path like its past occupants minds knarled roots had wrapped the overgrown gates now lost in the grime the wooden porch was black like tar, this lonely place rotten wa slime most slats now snapped apart, but the door still padlocked with a sign 'KEEP OUT' and 'DANGER'.. the rusty warnings ignored its frame like paper, took one kick till the door was on the floor its was a door like any other, showed nothing apparent.. but inside was the thoughts an soul of a man gone manic.. the cupboard a sick shrine to his love her pictures hung from string, tied from above next to candles and keepsakes her lost gloves an other mementos.. this wretched man who'd reached hate from a rotten love gone bad or mental had full pads of scribbled poems an odes layin next to homemade dolls an a naked barbie shoes thatd fit a two year old tot.. but what really made the alarms ring the bloodied kids knickers stuffed into a locked box and topped with glitter stickers... 'Sarge, this pictures different, it might be suttin its old, worn, n was clipped to this paper cuttin, this womans, shes beautiful.. she looks jus like her.. says she worked at the old institution, untill..' ..he tightens up.. 'she was raped.. real brutal.. i think.. this is his mother' ..then.. as he read on the tale of this monster dawned upon this simple copper.. 'after labour, she went to jail.. for trying to smother him..' we wandered through the neglected ruins, expecting ghouls felt an ambiance that would test tombs, an the guts of lesser fools a menacingly depressive moon filtered through the wreckage roof, through the beams left to stew an lit up the dusty decrepit rooms that once slept the loons, screams still echo'd with every gentle step taken floorboards shake with the weight of a thousand mental patients she turned to me, trying to muster the strength to say something her lips quivered an her chin wobbled, an then 'I'm late..' again.. taking her hands tightly, I squeeze just enough to hurt shes squirms, confused at her situation, 'your not.. scared are you? dont be a little girl.'.. I smirked.. i was gone. the world dissipated, his wet breath felt suffocating so close i could taste it.. with every fibre i should fuckin hate him but past emotion, i just laid still, expressionless.. nothing. vacant resorting to displacement, i wondered if I'd wake up. torrential black rain, the tears mixing with my make up his claw like nails slithered and dug into my neck, the other hand gripped my wrist and positioned above my head. could feel his elbows shake, his weight twice mine an bearing down grunt an rasp, his saliva frothing at the side of his mouth how long could this fuckin last? my toes clenched in self pity his trousers were barely down, and he was in me my whimpers felt silly, trying to tighten up, it was useless, dry as fuck, but he pushed through it, excited by his abusiveness.. her body lay naked clothes torn from her they were too late.. 'SHIT.. phone the coroner' pools of red trickled to flood her eyes still open.. in wonder.. and written in blood the words 'I HATE YOU MOTHER' |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Epic verse writing mfer...will read this later!!
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FuckButter
Banned Joined: 17 October 2013 Location: Fuddruckers, LA Status: Offline Points: 149 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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I fucks with this shit right here, haunting as a motherfucker. The only advice I would give is that I didn't really get an indication of the girl's age, which I think really affects the story. Sometimes I get the impression she is a child, other times that she's an adult. I don't know if this on purpose or what.
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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it says in the call to police shes twenty.
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Holly fuck ... Where the fuck youve been fucked off???
I guess its the first OM ive seen from you... Tbh my man, it was dope. You nailed this extensive story perfectly and ( im amazed ), you didnt even let my interest stumble for a second. Some heavy emotions converted this drop into a 3D film or sonething....Really impressive man... I got nothing more to say, i got only three words "dope as fuck"... Ill chase yo drops from now on.. Stay active man... And yeh, stay blessed!! |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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J504
Banned Joined: 08 June 2010 Status: Offline Points: 5385 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-0-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Long read but worth it.
I really enjoyed how poetic the first part was before plunging into the darker theme. I also enjoyed the last 2 sets which mixed the poetic and the dark side together. This was really nice right here, fam. Well worth the read. |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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In my eyes this is a classic...the way you mixed up your rhyme scheme, segmented the story, built the tension even though relatively early in you know what's going to happen you still spin out the narrative. Really I've not seen a verse on this site where someone effectively gives you the punchline in the 2nd verse yet still manages to progress the narrative and wanting to read on to find out the details.
It was textured too...you get a feel for the different characters in it as well. Kept it in a uniform style that means it reads as 'one drop' but you still get the various voices of the characters. So yeah, this is sick. 5 star drop. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Yo got half way through this awhile ago then couldn't find it when I went to finish it, loved it man, well structured, concise, emotional writing. Bump for now will finish reading this and give you some feed bro
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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You went in FO!!!! Nice flow through out and great wording through out!!! Props!!
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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What impressed me most was the intelligence behind this verses layout. The changes between the perspectives were planned out very well to deliver several different story lines at once. The progression of the story, character development, and genuinely interested plot backed up by some fairly advanced rhyming made this epicly long drop readable, a rarity for something of this size.
Wonderful read
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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much appreciated all. i know this a chapter and a half so props on taking the time to read it
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Just about got thru this one.............Wow that was a big ole shit man
Some of this was really nice fuck; and at times I was being carried by this drop waiting on the next turn of events or sudden scene change, you progressed through the story well This one kinda springs off the page like a movie.........Nearly lost me on a couple weaker scenes but mostly I was gripped Well done
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TURTLE
Standard Member Joined: 10 September 2009 Location: Kansas City Status: Offline Points: 1508 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 12-17-1 Form: WNWWLL |
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Damnnnn.. I really enjoyed the beginning of this piece. Imagery was excellent all the way through but its like I could see a girl with her feet on the dash, biting her lip with excitement sitting there in the passenger seat. Like some movie type of shit
Very cinematic!! Worth every bit of 10 minutes to read this!!! |
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<ce |
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Brotha Goose
Standard Member Joined: 07 July 2013 Location: San Diego, CA Status: Offline Points: 2318 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 10-10-0 Form: LWLWLL |
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Damn FO.....drop an audio of this, shit is fire bruh! I like yur quick fire style. My fav part.....
stood at the door knockin, six cops and a swat team 'GET THE RAM READY.. HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'.. the slams steady an with a 'click' its popped off its hinges the search beginnin already siftin thru paperstacks and tossed syringes rippin every draw out. ignoring the stench of rot from the kitchens many half empty pots cause that girl - she been missin days, then without a flicker of hesitation or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, not cause hes breathin - he's jus tryna take it all in.. 'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..' You were on it right there fam! Illness |
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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This is a work of art. A truly exceptional piece of writing.
shit was like a box of chocolates. And that's all I have to say about that. |
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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ty chain much appreciated coming from you.
last bump and il let this fall into the oblivion
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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The story is amongst the best we've had...in terms of delivering it, I'm not saying it was poor but I think you almost maybe didn't give it as much time as you could have to make it flow all the way...what kept me reading was the story, not the rhyme scheme, or the flow... In that sense, I think if you re-wrote or re-structured this as a poem it could be really, really good...like, publishable...this is still nice though
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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imma bump this cuz its like the least fed verse in classics lol
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Smoothtung
Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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wow bro... when I left you weren't doing shit like this. This kept getting better and better until at the end I was saying to myself 'this is fucking fantastic'.. deeply sickening but astonishingly clever to match.. bravo
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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fuckoff
Newbie Joined: 10 April 2013 Location: fucksville Status: Offline Points: 3074 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 27-6-0 Form: WWWWWL |
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thankss duuuu
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