Open Mic: A Walk In The Woods FINISH |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 14 December 2013 at 5:27am |
A Walk In The Woods
"Drop the gun old man and nobody dies." _____________________________________________________________________________ I hear the words as i speak them… Its not tongue and cheek man… I'll blaze the heat-an leave him sleepin. cease his breathin if he gives me a reason. "ok son everything is ok" he slowly drops his piece then He backs away then begins just cheesin'… I keep my eyes on him and he starts… "I thought you could be trouble." he remarks I reply "No i just needed some air an i hate the parks. Then i saw a girl or I thought, she spoke to my heart!" His smile faded and his face became dark. "we don't like strangers around these parts!" Through a Fathers eyes: ________________________________________________________________ Is this boy for real? Im as good as dead… What kind of stranger points a pistol at a mans head… I can't listen to his lies he thinks as the sky turns RED. I was scared but he seemed to listen to what i said, "Son be on your way." As i pointed away towards the sun… The boy spoke and started to lower his gun… "Ill be gone here soon old man my day is done, I just want to know if angels have been seen here or just the one!" I was confused was he serious he couldn't know my girl… He could understand the feeling she brought to my world. Maybe we are a like this lad and I, WAIT why is my baby got that look in her eye. Walking towards the boy hand out stretched but why. "No you sound crazy!" i tried to distract him with a lie. As she grew closer i saw a look of love on her face… The boy caught my stare and spun in place… CRACK!!!!! _______________________________ "NO!!!!!" I yelled as the smell of blood filled my nose… I wanted to rush to her side but i simply froze… Fist clenched I gritted my teeth… Guts Wrenched I shead tears in relief… I rushed to my love leaves crunch under my feet… I kneel down to grab her head and speak… As the boy drops the gun and begins to just flee… I yell at my daughter to please stay with me… I squeeze tight to her until the medics pry me free… They ask me what happened but i can't even breath… _______________________________________ "We are on in five Sue!" the studio manager rings… I slowly shuffle my papers and straighten my things… The prompter is lit up my throat tights up… The stage hand points and the camera lights up… "Good Morning Urbandale, Death is todays news… A convict off of highway 65 slays who?"… "His own daughter, police arrested him on site… He claims a drifter stopped and shot her." yea right… Mans a con hes guilty."Gun was found on the ground… Blood pooled all around more evidence of his parole being broken were found." "trial is set, he is expected to get life." Unless he gets shanked in the pen by a make shift knife! Susan collect your thoughts clear your head… "In unrelated news Urbandale Gang leader found dead" Susans eyes dried a little as she read… "Hung himself from a tree with a sign painted in red." Susan cleared her throat and began to read what was wrote… "Just a walk in the woods." Susan whispered as she rearranged her notes. |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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bump
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Manc
Superior Member Joined: 02 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 7032 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 82-4-2 Form: WWWWNW |
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Dayyyum!!! JB elevated haha
This was nice yano. Don't think I read the other 2 so I've only skimmed over this with one read, so that I can go check the other 2 and read em in order. Will drop proper feed soon J. Good shit bro !! |
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TURTLE
Standard Member Joined: 10 September 2009 Location: Kansas City Status: Offline Points: 1508 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 12-17-1 Form: WNWWLL |
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Very nice. You grabbed me from the beginning to end. You're a helluva topical artist. Nice work man
This part had me hookedvvv I hear the words as i speak them… Its not tongue and cheek man… I'll blaze the heat-an leave him sleepin. cease his breathin if he gives me a reason ."ok son everything is ok" he slowly drops his piece then He backs away then begins just cheesin'… |
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<ce |
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The_Guy
Standard Member Joined: 18 May 2013 Status: Offline Points: 1014 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 16-12-0 Form: WLWWLL |
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i def liked the first and second one...this one is good but i had to read it a few times to understand the plot in this one..it was definitely a lot going on in this piece...who killed who?
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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sorry…. the young man killed the daughter then killed himself later and the father is taking the fall for the death of his daughter simply cause he's an ex con.
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FREEKtheGEEK
Newbie Joined: 15 December 2013 Location: 36th Chamber Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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in my eyes this was a classic drop, simply because of the work put into the continuance of the story. some of the lines were predictable, adverage wording, but it was executed well enough to follow the story line.
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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LOL!!!
Yooooo, get Scotty and Hanging and tell them it's that time again #HallOfFame |
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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You took it in a weird and unexpected direction indeed. And it's not a far-fetched approach either. It feels like one of those incidents in the world that can never be explained fully but accepted because the world is crazy in itself. Really good ending and definitely had me hooked in throughout. Great job, man.
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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thanks for the feed everyone…. had an enjoyable time writing this...
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The VersaFire
Groupie Joined: 06 November 2013 Location: St. Louis Status: Offline Points: 271 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-6-0 Form: LWLLWW |
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Great from beginning to end, this was definitely my favorite one couldn't wait to see what was gonna happen, great job yo, that shit was tough.
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Thanks for the look versa
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Brotha Goose
Standard Member Joined: 07 July 2013 Location: San Diego, CA Status: Offline Points: 2318 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 10-10-0 Form: LWLWLL |
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Loved the whole concept and story behind these three drops fam, but this one....you had the flow down.
The opening verse was fire, yur work just keeps getting better BIG UPS BRO!!!
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Thanks for the feed brotha!
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Smh- i almost missed to feed it
Anyways, Dope work mayne...Classical five stars drop imo... You picked up yo strory very well. Perfectly connected with the last part...loved yo sick imagery throughout. It kept me glued from first to the last line... 2nd part was the strongest imo...But cant ignore the closing aswell. Loved the end... Lost of props and respect,bro |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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this was really nice Jbrenn. A big improvement from some of your previous works in my opinion. Your scheme was nice but the story got away from me a little bit. simplistic in parts. Some sections i had to re read but overall I was it was an enjoyable read. I liked the part that Turtle quoted
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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I will get you all back thanks for the feed.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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This was definitely a really enjoyable read.
I'd have to agree with exo on the simplistic part, although it's not too bad. Just certain words you can change to affect the emotion and imagery much better. But overall, I thought the story was very nice, and you can tell you put a lot of work into all three pieces. Really nice work J-Brenn. You can tell you work continues to get better.
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