Open Mic: (Self) Driving The Future

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Scotty32 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 06 August 2015 at 8:28pm
(From my Heat Wave battle here)


luddite's terror produced anonymous fear
now panic's severe for autonomous gear
lacking control and mans destroyed role
people console at vehicles devoid of soul
advancements obstruction from crazy's induction
Death and destruction guaranteed from lazy's seduction
But Google made sci-fi a reality, removed the leathality
Roads free from brutality, we regained our humanity
Electrical propulsion cleaned up city polution
Fear and confusion reduced to silly delusion
The Middle East found peace, with oil's decrease
And Earth's release from it's climate disease
Free to surf n tweet from behind the drivers seat
We're happy to rise n greet without lies n deceit
Hatred drowned and happiness bound the world around
the futures profound, now utopia's been found
Great and Glorious Supreme Presidential Leader of the People's Democratic Republic of LA
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The Rap Daemon View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2015 at 9:04pm
I like constructive criticism - getting it and giving it - so the annoying thing is that I can't give any of that! All I can say is that I was so engrossed in the drop, just not for long because I had finished reading it too soon - I wish it was longer!

To be honest, I read it twice, because I liked it. Every line painted a picture in my head. I had images zooming around in my mind, which is what I love so much about text raps, because you can really get into a drop (!)

Alsi, the rhyme scheme was solid, and the flow was consistent, and flowed! I could comfortably rap it aloud, and as it was structured well, with no breaks from expos, over-excessive punctuation etc., I could read it without being interrupted, which means I could really get into it.

I could go on forever with these positive words, but I'm going to try.. Just know that I really love this, and imo, there is nothing to fault about this..
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2015 at 9:04pm
Thats really good tbh. Your best work imo. I have never saw you use multis like you did in this piece. Idea was also decent. Flow wise, it could be a bit better. There were places where you could add more syllables to get it more smooth.
If you ever wish to write again, try to incorporate some transitions and internals asewell. They will elevate your skills to the next level.
Overall, it was a nice read.
Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

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Scotty32 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Scotty32 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2015 at 9:16pm
Daemon, the battle was limited to 16 lines, no expos / links / etc. I actually found it hard to cram in the story I wanted to into only 16 lines, which quickly became far to short.

Titu, I have most likely given up on straight battling but I will be trying to do more Open Mics in the future. I'll try an take on-board your advice for the next piece


Thanks for the feed both of you.
Great and Glorious Supreme Presidential Leader of the People's Democratic Republic of LA
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2015 at 10:27pm
I wanna hear the audio version of this piece.

Tight flow. Tight and congrats!.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2015 at 10:38pm
Tbh thought this was a decent verse. Definitely better than anything I've seen from your past. You upped yourself with vocabulary and the little multis you did dabble with came through. As far as voters saying you had a "better story" I don't agree, but respect everyone's opinion. I agree with Titu with his feed about some internals, and a word here or there could definitely assist your flow. Good job on this verse, and even more the win.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Hyperactive Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2015 at 12:03am
This bar
Electrical propulsion cleaned up city polution
Fear and confusion reduced to silly delusion
 
was niiiiiice. That's when it picked up for me. This was pretty solid though - as others have stated, some transitions would have aided this, and you probably could have lengthened your lines with the flow you were using if you could have kept the rhyme scheme and vocab up, but all in all I thought it was pretty sound. As ill stated, the story wasn't super vivid but for the limited lines to work with I think you did very well. Solid drop for sure.
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