Open Mic: Sins from the Nuclear Wasteland: The Deliverer

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    Posted: 02 October 2015 at 3:09pm
watching over the badlands, acknowledging the loss of prosperity
sovereign nuclear nations collided, breaching the laws of polarity

I hardly belive it, this field used to be like the Garden of Eden
on this day it's a biohazardous junkyard guarded by heathens
venomous drafts breezing, contaminated air is rough to breathe in
standing on the verge of psychosis, with a mutant baby beneath me
this weakling is the conclusion of my seeds spree - paternal revulsion
the principal sin that leads to inevitable doom is pure carnal indulgence

it's been seven deadly years since God's creation was bombed to hell
me and my flawed spawn prevailed, however, we don't bond too well
his skin is harsh and bleak, because he suffers heart disease
in addition to his arms and knees gonna fall apart it seems
pitiful, against the environment humans might be criminals
although nature itself never gave a damn about individuals

thus I put an unyielding grip around my childs mangeled collar
be thankful toddler - your father will end this entangled horror
as I strangle harder, I whisper in his ear with a gentle voice
"let's rejoice, belive me son this is the most gracious choice
existance is a grotesque error, even your birth murdered my wife
instead of nurturing you right I'll spare you the burden of life

staring into my offsprings three fading eyes, I saw no spirit nor soul
as he exhaled his last agonizing breath, I knew I had finished my goal.. 

I wanted to follow my son and escape into he void, as a disgraced man
but somehow I realized a new purpose; to end all life in this wasteland


To be continued..



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Mitch.Wagwaan View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mitch.Wagwaan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2015 at 7:08pm
Damn Concrete that was sick by both definitions of the word. (Actual meaning & Slang) The opener and first six bars set the tone. Flowed like migrants into Calais. Story telling skills on display, like how you build on it in the next six. Creating the feelings of your character. The mindset. Cus then Boom! Shit gets sick and twisted in the next six. I thought it was played out really well, a great twist. Then in the next four bars, the twist was cool. I thought the way you managed a smooth transition from respectfully closing this piece out, into another twist. Creating that suspence for the reader. Leaving them wanting more, myself included. So glad its only a chapter and the story is to be continued! But for real man, faultless piece and one of my favourites Ive come across on LA. Sound.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2015 at 9:59pm
"Instead of nurturing you i'l spare you the burden of life"...lol damn bro, that's some heart breaking decision right there.

Great imagery, i never knew you were also as strong in topicals. Good vocab and multis syllable usage.

I like how shockingily this main character decides to go for everyone after killing his own son lol, bro this is as good as watching a movie. Great job.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DynamicHaste Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2015 at 12:34pm

Love the vocabulary and the word usage. The imagery was also very good. The flow was on point and you were changing it up every once and a while.

My favourite paragraph was the first. The reason this was is because i just preferred the wording and imagery. I could see it unfolding like a movie.

Only criticisms I can think of is I would of liked to see some raw anger in this verse. I think anyone who would be put in this situation would be angry. But other than that it was a dope drop!




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JBrenn View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JBrenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2015 at 7:19pm
Epic start to a truely invigorating tale!! Flow was nice but the story telling was awesome!!! Nicely done con. !
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote IsaiahtheGreat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2015 at 11:31pm
"I hardly belive it, this field used to be like the Garden of Eden
on this day it's a biohazardous junkyard guarded by heathens"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I loved this bar right here! I could really picture this on like some Mad Max
type of level. It really reeled me in.

thus I put an unyielding grip around my childs mangeled collar
be thankful toddler - your father will end this entangled horror
as I strangle harder, I whisper in his ear with a gentle voice
"let's rejoice, belive me son this is the most gracious choice
existance is a grotesque error, even your birth murdered my wife
instead of nurturing you right I'll spare you the burden of life

staring into my offsprings three fading eyes, I saw no spirit nor soul
as he exhaled his last agonizing breath, I knew I had finished my goal.. 

I wanted to follow my son and escape into he void, as a disgraced man
but somehow I realized a new purpose; to end all life in this wasteland
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This was flawless imagery right here! I could picture this whole thing going down
like a scene from a movie.

But overall, this was an entertaining read with great imagery and amazing storytelling...I can't wait until the next part.


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Concrete Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2015 at 10:39pm
Thanks for the feedback guys, it's appreciated.

Stay tuned for more despair and depravation.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2015 at 11:24pm
Personally one of my favorite verses I've read in awhile. I thought about 5 starring it based on the title alone, decided against it. Then I read the first 4 lines and legit hit 5 stars. The rest was as I thought it would be. As you may have read in some of my past work I really enjoy not only this content matter, but also the angle to which you presented it. It was spiritual and knowledgeable. The last 6 lines were amazing. The 'staring into the three fading eyes of my offspring' but was a pineal tantalizing experience.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JBrenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 October 2015 at 6:04pm
this deserves a bump
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 October 2015 at 11:29pm
Trust me bro
I really enjoyed this number
You utilised many tools to bring this one to life....I felt easily drawn into this world
Wording was placed perfect
Def one of the most well rounded writers we have
You have come a long way fam
Keep on


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Imm-edi-ate Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2015 at 10:04pm
it's been seven deadly years since God's creation was bombed to hell
me and my flawed spawn prevailed, however, we don't bond too well
his skin is harsh and bleak, because he suffers heart disease
in addition to his arms and knees gonna fall apart it seems
pitiful, against the environment humans might be criminals
although nature itself never gave a damn about individuals

Beastly bro the whole verse was sick I loved
This part in paticular ^^ thought it was creative as shit
Loved it!. Props bro
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