Open Mic: Sins from the Nuclear Wasteland: The Deliverer |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 02 October 2015 at 3:09pm |
watching over the badlands, acknowledging the loss of prosperity
sovereign nuclear nations collided, breaching the laws of polarity I hardly belive it, this field used to be like the Garden of Eden on this day it's a biohazardous junkyard guarded by heathens venomous drafts breezing, contaminated air is rough to breathe in standing on the verge of psychosis, with a mutant baby beneath me this weakling is the conclusion of my seeds spree - paternal revulsion the principal sin that leads to inevitable doom is pure carnal indulgence it's been seven deadly years since God's creation was bombed to hell me and my flawed spawn prevailed, however, we don't bond too well his skin is harsh and bleak, because he suffers heart disease in addition to his arms and knees gonna fall apart it seems pitiful, against the environment humans might be criminals although nature itself never gave a damn about individuals thus I put an unyielding grip around my childs mangeled collar be thankful toddler - your father will end this entangled horror as I strangle harder, I whisper in his ear with a gentle voice "let's rejoice, belive me son this is the most gracious choice existance is a grotesque error, even your birth murdered my wife instead of nurturing you right I'll spare you the burden of life" staring into my offsprings three fading eyes, I saw no spirit nor soul as he exhaled his last agonizing breath, I knew I had finished my goal.. I wanted to follow my son and escape into he void, as a disgraced man but somehow I realized a new purpose; to end all life in this wasteland To be continued.. |
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Damn Concrete that was sick by both definitions of the word. (Actual meaning & Slang) The opener and first six bars set the tone. Flowed like migrants into Calais. Story telling skills on display, like how you build on it in the next six. Creating the feelings of your character. The mindset. Cus then Boom! Shit gets sick and twisted in the next six. I thought it was played out really well, a great twist. Then in the next four bars, the twist was cool. I thought the way you managed a smooth transition from respectfully closing this piece out, into another twist. Creating that suspence for the reader. Leaving them wanting more, myself included. So glad its only a chapter and the story is to be continued! But for real man, faultless piece and one of my favourites Ive come across on LA. Sound.
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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"Instead of nurturing you i'l spare you the burden of life"...lol damn bro, that's some heart breaking decision right there.
Great imagery, i never knew you were also as strong in topicals. Good vocab and multis syllable usage. I like how shockingily this main character decides to go for everyone after killing his own son lol, bro this is as good as watching a movie. Great job. |
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DynamicHaste
Groupie Joined: 04 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 133 |
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Love the vocabulary and the word usage. The imagery was also very good. The flow was on point and you were changing it up every once and a while. My favourite paragraph was the first. The reason this was is because i just preferred the wording and imagery. I could see it unfolding like a movie. Only criticisms I can think of is I would of liked to see some raw anger in this verse. I think anyone who would be put in this situation would be angry. But other than that it was a dope drop! |
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Epic start to a truely invigorating tale!! Flow was nice but the story telling was awesome!!! Nicely done con. !
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IsaiahtheGreat
Groupie Joined: 01 September 2014 Location: Mississippi Status: Offline Points: 288 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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"I hardly belive it, this field used to be like the Garden of Eden on this day it's a biohazardous junkyard guarded by heathens" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I loved this bar right here! I could really picture this on like some Mad Max type of level. It really reeled me in. thus I put an unyielding grip around my childs mangeled collar be thankful toddler - your father will end this entangled horror as I strangle harder, I whisper in his ear with a gentle voice "let's rejoice, belive me son this is the most gracious choice existance is a grotesque error, even your birth murdered my wife instead of nurturing you right I'll spare you the burden of life" staring into my offsprings three fading eyes, I saw no spirit nor soul as he exhaled his last agonizing breath, I knew I had finished my goal.. I wanted to follow my son and escape into he void, as a disgraced man but somehow I realized a new purpose; to end all life in this wasteland ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This was flawless imagery right here! I could picture this whole thing going down like a scene from a movie. But overall, this was an entertaining read with great imagery and amazing storytelling...I can't wait until the next part. |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Thanks for the feedback guys, it's appreciated.
Stay tuned for more despair and depravation.
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Personally one of my favorite verses I've read in awhile. I thought about 5 starring it based on the title alone, decided against it. Then I read the first 4 lines and legit hit 5 stars. The rest was as I thought it would be. As you may have read in some of my past work I really enjoy not only this content matter, but also the angle to which you presented it. It was spiritual and knowledgeable. The last 6 lines were amazing. The 'staring into the three fading eyes of my offspring' but was a pineal tantalizing experience.
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JBrenn
Superior Member Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3754 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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this deserves a bump
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Trust me bro
I really enjoyed this number You utilised many tools to bring this one to life....I felt easily drawn into this world Wording was placed perfect Def one of the most well rounded writers we have You have come a long way fam Keep on |
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Imm-edi-ate
Groupie Joined: 11 July 2014 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 115 |
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it's been seven deadly years since God's creation was bombed to hell
me and my flawed spawn prevailed, however, we don't bond too well his skin is harsh and bleak, because he suffers heart disease in addition to his arms and knees gonna fall apart it seems pitiful, against the environment humans might be criminals although nature itself never gave a damn about individuals Beastly bro the whole verse was sick I loved This part in paticular ^^ thought it was creative as shit Loved it!. Props bro |
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