Open Mic: The Crowning of William Kemmler |
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Nigma 
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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 Topic: The Crowning of William KemmlerPosted: 17 February 2016 at 4:52am |
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The Crowning of William Kemmler  I’ve walked defiled land, yet my life is lavish. Our rights, divine and they’ve denied me them Arrived inside this fortress and forged on forwards as trials end I’m leviathan. A pious man. Controlled behind an iron mesh Remembering my walk up to the throne until my dying breath Before they sent for me to step up and descend the seat… There was an order Wait inside your chamber until everything... well, was in order Waited for my day, I re-enact the struggles, glory. There’ve been legends in the past, the ones they’ve hung before me... The ones I’ve come adorned to.. morphed into a love so gory I’ve succumb to this, a sudden fixture fucking stuck in storage Fuck this order Tough experience They way I ache I should be draped in bandage. I am fearless Do I stay? Or take the other road and escape the madness Guided.. Steered to... A blatant path to rapture that confines your fears in life's endearment Infusing gas in your phantom to ignite your spirit till lights appearance So, I might appear deranged, but well.. Shit I’m anxious. Cage undone They guide me distant ways giving hints that maybe my day has come My eyes, a misty grey, draining drips of rain, and I’m playing dumb Still fear the tears precipitated perpetuate the pain to come Light intrudes, it dims the shade, see images from where was black Staring through the window pane with audiences staring back It’s odd, wish I could lift an arm, an itch beneath this Chiron cap What’s lifted is a switch, I tense and sizzle, sit ensnared to death My eye pops to my cheek. See the electric chair, I wear its straps The mist within it dissipates, an inner flame now barren ash |
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Mikey425
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Joined: 07 January 2016 Location: Evt-City Status: Offline Points: 227 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-1 Form: LLLNW |
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Posted: 17 February 2016 at 5:27am |
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"Fuck this order
Tough experience" I like how you used this part in your writing.I can't remember what it's called when you do this but it's not something I see to often this is a great example of a topical which is what I'm currently working on . It also shows another way to structure you're lines and bars. All together I enjoyed it. It's not to often I can hear what I'm reading. It's more like I'm listening to it, rather than just reading it. |
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IsaiahtheGreat
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Joined: 01 September 2014 Location: Mississippi Status: Offline Points: 288 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 17 February 2016 at 7:38am |
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After looking at the pic, I kinda felt that this dude was either a serial killer or had killed someone
and it so happened to be the latter. lol But anyways, I really like the whole approach you took on this. The whole "crowning" and "walk up to the throne" to represent him being put to death at the electric chair was pretty creative. You make it all look so easy, man. |
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 18 February 2016 at 8:45pm |
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Glad you posted this on here, since I didn't get the chance to give this work a proper breakdown on time. To start off, I think your choice of title is quite intriguing, definitely an original approach in that aspect.
Thought your beginning was very nice, you grant the reader an immediate insight of Kemmler's state of mind, I also appreciate the clarity of this. Great usage of multis up to the first stanza break. The scheme you employed here is rather unconventional in a sense that some people might not catch the flow and switch up at the first glance. But I thought it's fine. The second half is slightly different in terms of scheme consistency, it seems like you focused on enhancing the narrative here rather than using multis throughout, which can contribute well to the overall progression of the story. I'm actually intrigued by this, since you only subtly hinted at William Kemmler's reason of whereabouts. I assume your choice of topic was the "staring out the window pane" one? Cos I can imagine the protagonist reminiscently "telling" this very scene while, perhaps, looking down from a tower somewhere. The only suggestion I'd make here would be to elaborate on your last two lines, since I felt like the clarity, which was a highlight in the beginning, fell off towards the closing bar, I also kind of stumbled on your word choice here, "storage". But that could've been just me, though.
I really like the emotion you conveyed in this. The direct talk in the beginning has such a raw tone to it, it's amazing. The imagery from the "blatant path" on was terrific. Your flow is smooth here again, and I think scheme-wise, it was very straightforward as well. Also, great to see the unveiling of the scene. The mist within it dissipates, an inner flame now barren ash I thoroughly loved this line. Beautifully depicted. Overall, I thought this was an interesting read. There were lines which weren't that clear or contributive to the overall plot, I also would've liked to see a further elaboration on a kind of back story sense, since I didn't quite catch the reason for his situation. But I think the imagery and vocabulary were the highlight of this verse.
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 19 February 2016 at 7:14am |
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Damn, this piece is being slept upon. Wake the fuck up.
Alicewonder basically said everything I wanted to say, I too want to know the reason for his situation and I believe it would make a wonderful addition to. Maybe depict the murder, his emotion pre- and post murder? Even though that part is missing I can not stress enough how well this has been written. Especially the second verse. Usually the walk up to the electric chair is anything but beautiful and it has only been portrayed in a beautiful way two times (at least that I know of). The Green Mile and The Crowning of William Kemmler. You chose the perfect words at the perfect time and ended in a perfect way.
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#Bananas
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SELF ACTIVATE
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Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 20 February 2016 at 4:39pm |
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For some reason when I began reading this I thought it was about the king from the movie The Man in the Iron Mask. How wrong was I? That's why I couldn't track your bars correctly. But, I googled the dude and it all makes perfect sense now.
This is really a very cool topic to write about. I think you did an excellent job setting the scene. And, as usual, your flow was insanely smooth. I'm really digging how you laid your transitions as well. Like butter.
^Fuck, man, that was eerie. You painted the hell out of that scence. From A to Z. I could see it all. I could feel it. I wasn't reading it. I was there. 5star material, bro. Just dope! |
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Trizzy Tre
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Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Posted: 21 February 2016 at 11:20pm |
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Light intrudes, it dims the shade, see images from where was black
Staring through the window pane with audiences staring back It’s odd, wish I could lift an arm, an itch beneath this Chiron cap What’s lifted is a switch, I tense and sizzle, sit ensnared to death My eye pops to my cheek. See the electric chair, I wear its straps The mist within it dissipates, an inner flame now barren ash  God damn. Creatively this piece was insane. The overall presentation and delivery was crazy. Really displayed your talent man. |
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daydizzle89
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Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 25 February 2016 at 2:33pm |
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Your scheme here was really complicated. I love how your internal schemes switch up and transition. Your multis and assonance always stick out. They are heavy as fuck when reading in my accent. Enough with the technical shit. This story was pretty out there. in a good way. This is the type of shit i like reading. First you set up the character with dope imagery and abstract vocabulary. This set a certain tone i think you were looking for. Defo nice. Second little verse was much more clear and upfront. Thats always nice to see at least a few bars written like this so people can paint a more vivid picture. The whole story leading up to his death was really cool. You threw in the dudes emotions, set up creative metaphors and your vocabulary was topnotch like your typical Nigma. Dope work here brothaman
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Nigma wrote: