Open Mic: [OM King] Sermon in The Parking Lot |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 19 February 2016 at 9:53pm |
staying idle, praying in silence, paging the bible
the adoration of idols, I had to make my arrival Enter Black Friday. a bleak morning in November, the date well marked the deprived assembled before the gates of Walmart waiting for Halmarks, products made mortals realized by an unholy spirit of Capitalism any soul materialized an eerie sight, packs of hungry customers on stand-by the paradigm of these times, "give in to the franchise" It's high time for mankind to rise beyond cheap bargains my preaching started between the meat and the market uhm, pardon, I am Harbinger, transcendence incarnate so please seize gazing at me like I'm mentally retarded inhabitants of the Mall, I call upon your innate awareness I'm quite embarrassed, how humanity is just "care-less" dignity done perished, you're like androids solely sleeping consumerism will never feed the empty void in your being no sign of agreement, they looked at me like true scum -hey, this is too dumb! who in the hell is this rude bum? listen to the truth son! now I might sound soft here but your brains are running on corrupted software heed our lord's prayer; into temptation yall been seduced individual significance reduced to what's being produced bought, consumed, for corporations to meet some goal let the real be told; consumption will deplete your soul! silence filled the air, all I heard was the slack sound from the gentle wind breezing in the background sadly that drowned, as soon I started speaking loud pleaded the crowd; have my word reached you now? I felt calming peace around, they knew highness spoke but in a rather violent stroke, suddenly all silence broke no need for violence folks! but they stormed with rage enormous hate, and this was to be the Coming of Apes? some things don't change, agony was worrying imminent -how dare he patronize us - the hard working citizens! you're hurting an innocent! I said before losing cognizance it was ominous, my beaten body left with no consciousness grab that prophet's legs! and then firmly tape his ankles! some of corporate slaves wanted to make an example.. fate was entangled.. Father, is this truly your will, Lord? I plead this prayer while being pinned to a neon billboard.. I searched inward, If I had any ego it would be offended and to bluntly end this.. I don't have a clue if humans ever could be amended |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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the story was great nice message very vivid descriptions
the rhymes were sweet and on point transitions very smooth there were a lot of good lines in this I felt calming peace around, they knew highness spoke but in a rather violent stroke, suddenly all silence broke no need for violence folks! but they stormed with rage enormous hate, and this was to be the Coming of Apes? some things don't change, agony was worrying imminent -how dare he patronize us - the hard working citizens you're hurting an innocent! I said before losing cognizance it was ominous, my beaten body left with no consciousness grab that prophet's legs! and then firmly tape his ankles! some of corporate slaves wanted to make an example.. ^^^^^ i liked this painted a good picture so we could really see what your saying again the descriptive images made this a good read KOTOM is really bringing out some great talent from the new and older members keep it up |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Apprecitate the looks Slip.
Any more comments?
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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staying idle, praying in silence, paging the bible
the adoration of idols, I had to make my arrival Enter Black Friday. ---- dope intro. a bleak morning in November, the date well marked the deprived assembled before the gates of Walmart waiting for Halmarks, products made mortals realized by an unholy spirit of Capitalism any soul materialized ------ gates of walmart truly made me smirk. I think youre sacrificing content for word placement tho. the materialized line was slick. an eerie sight, packs of hungry customers on stand-by the paradigm of these times, "give in to the franchise" It's high time for mankind to rise beyond cheap bargains my preaching started between the meat and the market ---- this flows dope, and I was onboard till meat and the market.. wouldnt the meat be the market? as opposed to the clothing section? where they got the dope treads? uhm, pardon, I am Harbinger, transcendence incarnate so please seize gazing at me like I'm mentally retarded inhabitants of the Mall, I call upon your innate awareness I'm quite embarrassed, how humanity is just "care-less" dignity done perished, you're like androids solely sleeping consumerism will never feed the empty void in your being no sign of agreement, they looked at me like true scum -hey, this is too dumb! who in the hell is this rude bum? ------ this shit took my smirk and turned it into full on laughter, good shit… but I think replacing rude bum with like nuisance or 'man with the beard covered in food crumbs' 'holes in the hoodie hoodlum' 'unholy roley poley fool, son?!?' ' toothless doufus with the cool cut' but thats just preference shit. listen to the truth son! now I might sound soft here but your brains are running on corrupted software heed our lord's prayer; into temptation yall been seduced individual significance reduced to what's being produced bought, consumed, for corporations to meet some goal let the real be told; consumption will deplete your soul! ------ Im digging the angle, cause folks would *NOT* be in the mood for this shit. this might be one of the funniest narrated pieces ive read on here. some of your word choices arent my glass of moonshine, but thats life silence filled the air, all I heard was the slack sound from the gentle wind breezing in the background sadly that drowned, as soon I started speaking loud pleaded the crowd; have my word reached you now? ----- with the rhymes, I figured youd toss in the overhead speaker during the being drowned out bit. gives an enviroment play and could be used with some serious wit. even a speaker play on a security guards walkie talkie. but I do appreciate your portrait I felt calming peace around, they knew highness spoke but in a rather violent stroke, suddenly all silence broke no need for violence folks! but they stormed with rage enormous hate, and this was to be the Coming of Apes? some things don't change, agony was worrying imminent -how dare he patronize us - the hard working citizens! ------- I truly love this narrative man, I am seeing this cat with his arms raised outward standing on a basket from the cashier just doing his best gather round folks routine, its a hilarious visual in the least you're hurting an innocent! I said before losing cognizance it was ominous, my beaten body left with no consciousness grab that prophet's legs! and then firmly tape his ankles! some of corporate slaves wanted to make an example.. fate was entangled.. Father, is this truly your will, Lord? I plead this prayer while being pinned to a neon billboard.. I searched inward, If I had any ego it would be offended and to bluntly end this.. I don't have a clue if humans ever could be amended ----- the ending was abrupt to say the least, I dont feel the lead up paid off. the humor involved you had several exits and just chose to hit the brakes. overall, was a funny fucking piece. I literally giggled like a second grader with a fart joke. was a good time. thx Con. I owe you one. |
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#Bananas
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Ah man thanks a lot Neek. You really provide creative feedback around here. Just to comment regarding "meat market".. I pictured the hobo-prophet symbolicly standing between the human crowd (meat) and the Walmart building (market). Capitalism kinda presumes everybody is getting pimped out in the long run, but that's another debate. As for the abrupt ending that was actually intentional, the hobo-prophet was full hope for the day, his speech could have led to something great but in the end all he got for his noble efforts was being pinned to a modern day device, the billboard, rather than a cross. And that's it, thats humanity for ya. I wanted the reader to feel the same let-down with an anticpating subject as this months OMKing is. Dark and (very) dry satire is popular over here in Skandinavia so might be kinda influenced by that. The comedy factor was my main objective so I'm glad it made you laugh. Again, I appreciate the feed you gave here, it's really food for thought the writers here.
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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well Gundasou vitless (I never knew how to spell this, so I sorta sounded it out)
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#Bananas
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Titu
Superior Member Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Fuck! He's done it now.
I loved the fact how each and every bar was so well calculated words wise, which actually helped you flow like water.
Your imagery was dope and Your story telling skills overshined all the other aspects tbh.
This part was the strongest one...
listen to the truth son! now I might sound soft here
but your brains are running on corrupted software heed our lord's prayer; into temptation yall been seduced individual significance reduced to what's being produced bought, consumed, for corporations to meet some goal let the real be told; consumption will deplete your soul! Sick bro. Also, that hard citizens line made me chuckle a little, tho, that line had a very deep meaning to it.
I think this piece was dope from the top to bottom and you did a great job. Props!
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Hey thanks for that feed Titu, we should do a collab some time again soon.
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