Open Mic: Mosiac Monologues

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Neek View Drop Down
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    Posted: 23 July 2016 at 5:51pm
I promised myself.
being pompus was rotten
whats that accomplishment help?
I just jotted
feeling bothered/bombarded
as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself.
and im starting to feel
my entrails, get hardened as hell
plus this voice in my head
just argues so well.

I get parched with this filth.

'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still.
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill.
poor girl.
not suppose to be this guarded,
youre better off, at the bar or the till
'she must need the dollars for bills'
heh.
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property,
let our commodities build.

'whats your name?' she asked.
I said 'lottery'
she replied 'im harmony'…
as harmony twirled.
she could tell,
I wasnt here for the bargain bin beer.
'im kidding, im martin'
she disregarded,
says 'your shirt says Barnacle Bill'
I smirked, 'looks like we both misjudged..
you dont really have that Harvard-y feel'

she stopped, her heart dropped
she proclaimed 'I solemny swear
next time my father see's me
I will be the daughter, he taught to be steel'
I paused..and kept my thoughts on the shelf.

earlier this year.
her dad died, left her his fortune of wealth
I was assigned to get her to sign
the corporate side to Noel.
but how do I bribe, when shes bursting with pride
and her fathers demise
coincides w/ murdered in jail.
the mind just circles,
am I deserving this hell?

conundrum -
something I know pertinently well
furthermore, as per the board
if I serve as a schill, theyll have my perjury cleared
but whats the purpose
can my conscious conceal,
the debauchery? grand larceny?
the impoverishments real.
but I slid her the envelope.. and chilled.

sold my soul to the devil
but a deal is a deal.
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 6:20pm
I'm really feeling this style. The unorthodox rhymescheme and narrative made it an entertaining read. Some of it had a Nas vibe to it.

her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property,
let our commodities build.

^ That was a really creative way to word that section as well. Really added character to the verse. Topic wise it was pretty fresh. The whole approach was really original I'd say. Beginning got me wanting to read more and the end had an impact. Can't complain. Keep it up.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote BIG GAME Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 6:52pm
Damn, this piece went well.
The rhyme scheme and structure made for an easy and enjoyable read.
everything seemed to come together naturally.

some of the highlights for me here were:

I just jotted
feeling bothered/bombarded
as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself.
and im starting to feel
my entrails, get hardened as hell
plus this voice in my head
just argues so well.
--------------------------------------
gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still.
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill.
poor girl.

^lol, I can almost hear the sarcasm in your tone.
----------------------------------------------
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property,
let our commodities build.

^that came together real nice
-----------------------------------------
'whats your name?' she asked.
I said 'lottery'
she replied 'im harmony'…
as harmony twirled.
she could tell,
I wasnt here for the bargain bin beer.
'im kidding, im martin'
she disregarded,
says 'your shirt says Barnacle Bill'
I smirked, 'looks like we both misjudged..
you dont really have that Harvard-y feel'

^ I like how you touch this up with some humor while at the same time; moving the story along


But yes, this piece is nicely crafted.
You executed this style well.
Good job.

Just curious, how long did it take you to write this?

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 7:04pm
thanks Goryo. I appreciate your time and kind words my friend.


@ Game, thank you as well. appreciate the read and your insight. took me about 25-30 mins-ish.. any longer and I usually get bored and scrap a piece. initial idea I had was he was a hitman for hire to take out the only chick with a claim to the company, but felt that was a bit cliche and a guy struggling with the decision to step on a 'little guy' to improve his own situation seemed more reality based and common place in todays society. glad you enjoyed it tho.
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 1:27am
Impressive how you wrote this in less than 30 mins. 
The schemes and rhythmic patterns in your verses in general are very interesting and uniquely incorporated, and it wasn't any different with this one. Very unconventional and unpredictable, to say the least. I really enjoyed the humorous factor in this, it has a very natural tone to it, as it's been mentioned earlier, along with a kind of "easy going" approach. There were a lot of highlights, the "lottery/harmony" segment was one of them. Thanks for sharing. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Xces Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 2:10am
The overly short form lines sometimes take away from things but you've managed to structure this in a way that still brings clear delivery to the words and makes it really easy to find the flow.

I enjoy the concept and the way it's driven forward;

Good shit. I look forward to seeing more.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 10:25am
Loved the title,it pulled me straight in when I saw it..

I promised myself.
being pompus was rotten
whats that accomplishment help?
I just jotted
feeling bothered/bombarded
as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself.
and im starting to feel
my entrails, get hardened as hell
plus this voice in my head
just argues so well.

I get parched with this filth.

(damn Neek the tempo here was Ripe,your line lengths were a joy on
the eye,this in turn made for an effortless read,and plus you nailed
it with those word placements too,all this blended into a flow that
was truly smooth,I also liked the head/rocking chair line,this was
a nice opening segment,also the simplicity was refreshing to read
too,a rhyme of this nature doesn't need to be complex to achieve a
result,especially when you got all the elements in the way of flow
going for it,it just seemed to give this section some arumph to it)



'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still.
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill.
poor girl.
not suppose to be this guarded,
youre better off, at the bar or the till
'she must need the dollars for bills'
heh.
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property,
let our commodities build.

(lol loved the way you describe in an alternative way the engaging
of sex here,this had a nice.out the box feel about it to me,plus I
also thought it creative too,and again that tempo just aids to the
ambience of this drop,plus in a subtle way this came off as detailed
in the way you described.the chase,plus the wordplay was ripe..feelng
this part)


'whats your name?' she asked.
I said 'lottery'
she replied 'im harmony'…
as harmony twirled.
she could tell,
I wasnt here for the bargain bin beer.
'im kidding, im martin'
she disregarded,
says 'your shirt says Barnacle Bill'
I smirked, 'looks like we both misjudged..
you dont really have that Harvard-y feel'

she stopped, her heart dropped
she proclaimed 'I solemny swear
next time my father see's me
I will be the daughter, he taught to be steel'
I paused..and kept my thoughts on the shelf.

(This section for me is where the story is told,I liked again the
subtleness here with the detail,and still maintaining that awsome
flow,the exchangeing of names was a nice touch,gave the verse in
some way credibility,plus coupled with the humour that you also
added,gave it the cat and mouse feel which for me just heightened
this segment,at the same time whilst going through the formalities
of meeting someone new)



earlier this year.
her dad died, left her his fortune of wealth
I was assigned to get her to sign
the corporate side to Noel.
but how do I bribe, when shes bursting with pride
and her fathers demise
coincides w/ murdered in jail.
the mind just circles,
am I deserving this hell?

conundrum -
something I know pertinently well
furthermore, as per the board
if I serve as a schill, theyll have my perjury cleared
but whats the purpose
can my conscious conceal,
the debauchery? grand larceny?
the impoverishments real.
but I slid her the envelope.. and chilled.

sold my soul to the devil
but a deal is a deal.

(Whoa and now it's morality time,I loved the story progression here,
you did awfully well maintaining it,but this segment was also Ripe,
the questioning of one's self,the knowing of what your actions will
bring,loved it,truly a tremendous read,the funny thing about this
piece is its innocences,the guy has to bring and swindle the girl
from her inheritance,and you have to comply because the corporate
has you by the bullocks,this was epic in content,but small at a
glance)

well done.Neek,tremendous writing here i throughly enjoyed this
read from start to end,well worth anybody time to read,the whole
verse was an eye opener,because it's a verse you have to read,as
at a glance could easly be.looked over...keep that nib rubbing
my man this was Ripe,and thanks for the read...peace.





"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 12:45am
Impressive piece Neek... enjoyable read and content.

This short bar style or structure I should say you've mastered. The way you craft each line keeps it fresh. The multis were clean.

as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself.
^^^^^^......this was clever.



'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still.
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill.
^^^^....LOL, great line



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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 3:41am
Neek my brother from a different colored mother....

"I promised myself. 
being pompus was rotten
whats that accomplishment help?
I just jotted 
feeling bothered/bombarded
as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself. "---I'm jealous of ya short pen game.  also the rhyme schemes you come up with.  I wish I could do that shit to be honest.  That noggin noddin' chair rocking itself was so clever but looked so easy at the same time.  Thats some serious shit rite there.  I actually smiled when i read that and said out loud "tihs motha' fucka' lol

"I get parched with this filth.

'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still. 
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill. 
poor girl. 
not suppose to be this guarded, 
youre better off, at the bar or the till
'she must need the dollars for bills'
heh. 
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property, 
let our commodities build. "---The "like thats not part of the thrill" line was fucking awesome.  Reminded me of myself.  I really really enjoyed that line.   also the property commodities play was smooth as well.


'im kidding, im martin' 
she disregarded, 
says 'your shirt says Barnacle Bill' 
I smirked, 'looks like we both misjudged..
you dont really have that Harvard-y feel'"---lmao...only neek

her dad died, left her his fortune of wealth
I was assigned to get her to sign
the corporate side to Noel. 
but how do I bribe, when shes bursting with pride
and her fathers demise 
coincides w/ murdered in jail. 
the mind just circles,
am I deserving this hell? "---I loved the way you worded this in such short bars.  I also am I fan of how easily you get the content of the story across to the reader in such a short amount of words..thats something else tho on a different level.

"but whats the purpose
can my conscious conceal, 
the debauchery? grand larceny? 
the impoverishments real. 
but I slid her the envelope.. and chilled. 

sold my soul to the devil
but a deal is a deal. "---again with the dope flow and the perfect wording.  Content and story was great.  I've never seen someone say so much with so little words.  Its crazy..

dope drop neek

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 6:06am
Instead of giving Neek feedback on his verse like every other conformist faggot, I'm going to give Exoduzt feedback on his feedback of Neeks verse.

Neek my brother from a different colored mother....
concept hella played

"I promised myself. 
being pompus was rotten
whats that accomplishment help?
I just jotted 
feeling bothered/bombarded
as the hollowness swells
my noggin just noddin'..
like a chair rocking itself. "---I'm jealous of ya short pen game.  also the rhyme schemes you come up with.  I wish I could do that shit to be honest.  That noggin noddin' chair rocking itself was so clever but looked so easy at the same time.  Thats some serious shit rite there.  I actually smiled when i read that and said out loud "tihs motha' fucka' lol
this section pretty much on point. slightly slobnobbing at the start but this was a pretty casual first segment and the imagery on the noggin noddin like a rocking chair was delicious. i could eat that shit on a cracker like shit on a cracker if i was a fly and into that kinda thing 

"I get parched with this filth.

'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still. 
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill. 
poor girl. 
not suppose to be this guarded, 
youre better off, at the bar or the till
'she must need the dollars for bills'
heh. 
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property, 
let our commodities build. "---The "like thats not part of the thrill" line was fucking awesome.  Reminded me of myself.  I really really enjoyed that line.   also the property commodities play was smooth as well.
i think this feedback was a little silly because it didnt mention the splendid wording on the 'bar/till dollars/bills line and the cooool beans scheme used all the way. if this flow was a pet fox you wouldnt even have to brush its fur because of how smooth it already is/was/forever will be

'im kidding, im martin' 
she disregarded, 
says 'your shirt says Barnacle Bill' 
I smirked, 'looks like we both misjudged..
you dont really have that Harvard-y feel'"---lmao...only neek
damn some cop out feed here. thought the section was cool, consistent. 

her dad died, left her his fortune of wealth
I was assigned to get her to sign
the corporate side to Noel. 
but how do I bribe, when shes bursting with pride
and her fathers demise 
coincides w/ murdered in jail. 
the mind just circles,
am I deserving this hell? "---I loved the way you worded this in such short bars.  I also am I fan of how easily you get the content of the story across to the reader in such a short amount of words..thats something else tho on a different level.
i dunno why but whenever i see people shorten with to w/ i assume they are stone cold killers. 

"but whats the purpose
can my conscious conceal, 
the debauchery? grand larceny? 
the impoverishments real. 
but I slid her the envelope.. and chilled. 

sold my soul to the devil
but a deal is a deal. "---again with the dope flow and the perfect wording.  Content and story was great.  I've never seen someone say so much with so little words.  Its crazy..

dope drop neek
this exoduzt fellow did get something right, flow and wording in this were the baserunners in this good ol game of ball. i enjoyed this so much that i'm gonna have to offer to play catch with you sometime. take that however you want ;)
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2016 at 5:23am
this is pure gold nigma

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2016 at 12:16pm
lmao loved the plot in this piece. It's got a nice real life feel to it and can relate to a lot of shit that people do to benefit themselves. "I know this is wrong, but fuck it, I need this for me. Dog Eat, Dog World" 

Also, got a handful of quotables which were probably already mentioned. My favorites were the someones daughter and the commodity lines. 

Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2016 at 1:19pm
The flow had this dope waterfall effect and the vocabulary was really nice also. Your usage of words and assonance really stood out to me. As for content this shit was really really nice. The beginning all away till the end was giving me a sense of urgency. The plot was really really good here Neek.


Dopeness below

'gentlemens club'
I am one, half heartly still.
'thats somebodies daughter...'
as if that isnt part of the thrill.
poor girl.
not suppose to be this guarded,
youre better off, at the bar or the till
'she must need the dollars for bills'
heh.
her face looked awkwardly chill
I beckoned her to climb ontop of me
put her assets on my property,
let our commodities build.


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2016 at 5:22pm
Well that just made the bus ride better
Not gonna bother with a breakdown it don't need that, just wanna bump it and say bravo
This was a cracking read

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 July 2016 at 10:08am
When you can read something and be taken into the varied implications.   I lost the thread of the narrative and just focused on the bleak elements in the characters.   Well presented. I'll give it another go after a few tumblers of something peaty.

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