Open Mic: Sundered-land [KOTM] |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 22 October 2016 at 6:11pm |
I
come from a sundered land, punctured by a sunken plan Since the ship industry died we’ve needed a fucking hand (thanks Nissan) There’s few around my way earning anywhere near a hundred grand But football’s a religion, like a family guys, with no Drunken Clam Just a bunch of drunken fans worshipping at the Stadium of Light An’ if we’re honest we know our team’s a fucking pile of shite We yearn passion, and tough tackles, back when that Roker roared Still hark back to ’73 and the FA cup final when Stokoe soared Cross that Wearmouth bridge, head on past St Peters campus The national glass centre to reach the beach at Seaburn, ask us… About the air show, every year, never missing the rain And deep into winter you’ll see kite surfers still kissing the waves It’s a cheap night out, but trust, some of these kids are crazy Either ends up in a fight or walking home with cheesy chips n gravy Climbing up Tunstall Hill with my dog to get a view of the city A school of hard knocks which made me indisputably gritty
Edited by Cuba - 23 October 2016 at 12:49pm |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Whole thing was smooth and precise. For the length it was you painted a thorough picture and touched on a good few topics so overall it was an entertaining read and kept me interested. I dunno much about football but I know that Sunderland don't do much of note so yeah lol. Never been there but I caught the vibe as it being somewhere that's seen better days. It’s a cheap night out, but trust, some of these kids are crazy Either ends up in a fight or walking home with cheesy chips n gravy ^ Lol. Very accurate for a lot of places. Definitely the stand out bar for me. Not the most technical or flashy but I did find it amusing. Keep it up man. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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yo this was dope! And i agree, "repping ur city" isn't the most exciting concept, lol, but you did it with much panache, sir. flow was crisps as winter air and the wording was pretty much perfect, with no force wording anywhere. What i like most was the brief glimpse into your city. From this exposition, i see a city that takes much pride in the athletic convention, something i can relate to because Massachusetts is HUGE on sports also lol. This piece actually informed me that your from overseas ha, possibly from Great Britain. This whole time i thought u were from the States lol. So not only did i was enlightened with ur city's culture but also your personal geographical location ha! Even though the piece was dope on it's own, the addition of links definitely helped in the overall scope of the reading experience. Thanks.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Thanks guys...I don't think it'll top yours, Sammy, but having read yours I figured I'd get involved!! It's tough to get that balance between being specific (& people going, wtf is St. Peters campus) and making it interesting to read without knowing anything about the place.
I might put a couple more links in there to bring it to life for people a bit more...I have some photos of my own that I could share, but it's a verse, not a fucking Pinterest board!!
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Even though I'm majorly disappointed in you as a peer and as a man, I could never ever front on your pen game.
You're still razor sharp and on point. This was dope. I might jump on this one just for fun. |
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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This was top notch, wanted more bars of it. Thats when you know its a good OM!
First bar made me laugh, straight away gave it a 'its a shit hole in places, but we have history, and I fucking love it'. Also coming from a north, I think that resinated with me strongly from the get go. Bar the undoubted technical ability shown, i also appreciated your passion for football. Been to the Stadium of Light, really liked it. As you can see from my Avi, i'm a fan of celebrating old FA Cup moments! Props for this. |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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this was dope, you went about yours different from everyone else. also you had greatstrings of multis and nice rhyme schemes here. from the submissions ive read so far, this had the best mutli strings, so solid job. I enjoyed the read thru and thru.
I know most people tend to write how you did here, but iw ould suggest putting a space betweene evry 4 bars/lines, have it spaced out into quatrains. I just write in that more technical fashion I guess, most people ehre don't write like that, but its easier to read. just my two cents. maybe exo will come reformat it (jkjk)
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Steady on.......Whooa, back the fuck up Spume!....Did I just read "Cheesey Chips with God Damn Gravy"?..
Once again I am reminded of the great cultural differences between North and South of our fine land Really felt like you was reppin a place you know well, Always nice to get a better picture of what someone is about Dope read |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Mate you can't knock it until you've had it...when you're drunk it is absolutely sensational!!!
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