Open Mic: Full Circle (KOTM)

Try looking forward
even past the trees
It's not all good
where we would cast our genes
See you might miss
to where the path it leads
Dismiss the circles
over half complete

"AND FAST DEPLETING"

Our backs are arched
to where we've planted seeds
We forward march
unto our past defeats
And scorch the grass
beneath our blasted feet
We are the masters
of a vast disease

"UNTIL THE PLANTS RECEDE"

We need to change
will be our last decree
That cant take place
as our hearts still beat
Cos all we breed
is yet more sharks to feed
And still we laugh
cos it's the mask we need

"PAST RELIEF"


And still it's something that we cant believe.............

Edited by Endeavor - 16 November 2016 at 11:44pm

damn another vicious entry. I'll be honest, i've never read ur stuff before, bro and i didn't know what to expect, but this was a very dope entry, my dude.

OK let's get this feed going finally.



Try looking forward
even past the trees
It's not all good
where we would cast our genes
See you might miss
to where the path it leads
Dismiss the circles
over half complete

(firstly I liked the in out effect here,where one line sets up and the
next contains the rhyme,this is refreshing to read really,and using the
short lines approach with this style was a good call,why?,because it
aids flow and gives the piece character,and a chance for you to get a
story forming as with using short lines you want to still say a lot with
less words,make them work so to speak,the simplicity was also a nice
touch,there isn't a rule that says complex rhymes rule,because in the
real world they don't,so props for keeping this tidy here,I liked how
you start here,like there's a new beginning to be had,looking past the
trees to cast the genes,a tale of hope spring goes to mind)

"AND FAST DEPLETING"

Our backs are arched
to where we've planted seeds
We forward march
unto our past defeats
And scorch the grass
beneath our blasted feet
We are the masters
of a vast disease

(now begins the tale of woe,nice inclusions to add a little bit of a back
story,the arching of backs where they toiled the fields,and then the point
of devastation,where like baggage they carry thoughts and pestilence and
past memory's,this piece is reading like Exodus here,the creativity as of
yet is in the story,more than in complexity,and on the real good to read
your staying in that lane with this,as your piece is giving the reader half
details in which the mind automatically creates the other half,good work,
this is what's making the short lines effective here)      

"UNTIL THE PLANTS RECEDE"

We need to change
will be our last decree
That cant take place
as our hearts still beat
Cos all we breed
is yet more sharks to feed
And still we laugh
cos it's the mask we need

(mmm breaking with the old and on with the new,like you've learnt a lesson
from the past,and eager not to make the same mistake,the usage of sharks
was a good way to describe mistakes and pitfalls I thought,and the part
about a mask was also good,the plastering over the imperfections of the
former way of life all whilst still coming to grips with the new chance and
start,that has now presented itself,and to add laughter in this segment wad
also a boost for me,because the in the face of danger or uncertainty,this
is a natural human reflex,a coping tool if you like,plus it was a real fine
descriptive emotion aswell)

"PAST RELIEF"


And still it's something that we cant believe.............

Overall,yeah it was a really good read,you did well with the short lines and
the story on the whole,it was descriptive and conjured thoughts that filled
in the blanks that the short lines couldn't cover,that was due to the way
this piece was presented and formed,so props for involving the reader here
to draw the assumptions,a real nice read that had a depth all of its own and
was a good account of the picture..good work..peace.

First thought was this is going to be packed with powerful words because of the initial appearance of the structure. I was not mislead with this thought. Simple yet, extremely effective. The middle "stanza" was my favorite. This had a nice poetic, mellow vibe that even came across as somber with a hint of disappointment in humanity's shortcomings.