Open Mic: Johnny |
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 13 December 2016 at 6:15pm |
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John was a dreamer, a lost little kid Long before reefa and bongin' his weed He got locked in cerebral boxes for weeks John blocked out the people he clocked as deceitful Watching them drowning in swamps of their evil Lost in the clouds, John wandered about From docks to the mountains Watching his town go rotten around him Home made safe for the baby of eight With folks in state; the name they gave Explains their mistake of the rape vic baby Evading the waste, escaping the fate Of the way too late Longing for a hug from creators who made him Buzzing off the drugs they had taken to slay him Ain't shit changing The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny. Many heads revel in the city unseen He's eleven heads spinning in a pissy drug dream Admittedly he lives a little unclean But he beats off the chances of giving up; feels he can Defeat the cancers weaving between him He breathes these stanzas, each one appeasing The replayed rage from the kitchen he lived in When ain't shit changed but the age of the victim Paint this hate: getting kicked in by siblings The pain gets erased by the bass and the kick, still Brain's in a state that is basically spit-riddled carnage Linked with a heart that is ripped up and tarnished He sits in these trances, amidst all his art And he spits his bars, getting pissed in the park I guess bad apples swing close to the bark The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny. The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny. Now John sits thinking of lynching himself The rest of the kids sick of the smell of This hell they exist in. The death bell's ringing A lullaby for shutting eyes of untimed children Shoddy life chucking up a cut-priced thrill then John's dreams left when the belt that he'd felt His pop vent rage with led his descent for a spot in the grave pit Guess who went when she clocked it in papers? Oh the irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny. The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.
Edited by Venomonology - 13 December 2016 at 7:09pm |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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For some reason, Designer's Timmy Turner won't stop playing in my head as I read this. I mean, your piece is nothing like his, but still there seems to be some sort of strange connection. In any case, as far as openers go this is about as solid a start as any topical writer can hope for. Your flow is crisp and your wording is clean and clear. I'm also able to get a general idea of who Jonny started out as ... as well as the environment that made/shaped him.
Okay, now I know why Timmy Turner comes to mind while reading this. The premise of both stories are fairly similar. Plus, the names Timmy and Jonny are relatively close. Of course I can hardly understand the majority of what Designers says in his piece lol. But still OAN It was hard to break these sections into parts because each line was so interdependent on the ones before and after it. Not to mention your flow carried the read in such an effortless fashion that by the time I stop to collect my thoughts I was already halfway down the page. So props to you on employing such superb mechanics and efficient technique. Thus far it has been a treat to read and observe your technical abilities. As for the actual content, well you have successfully managed to paint a vivid picture of a slum invested cityscape: filled with drugs and gloomy prospects. You've also convincingly depicted the reality of a broken and dysfunctional family unit where Jonny's needs are not being met and his abilities/talent is not being nurtured. In a nutshell: your words read true-to-life and authentic. Sad stuff.
I like the sensational response your words invoked here. I could not only see what you intended for us to see, but I could smell the filth, and hear the toll of the metaphorical bell as well. So that to me was really dope. Overall: This (as per usual) was a very well written piece, Ven. Mechanically it checked all the boxes. Lyrically it had depth and imagery. My only gripe would be that Jonny died. Now if it were a recount of a real life scenario you chose to express in topical-format then cool. However, if it was just a story conjured up purely by your imagination then Idk, bro. It's just a death at the end has become so common place and expected in OMs across the web that rarely does it carry weight or invoke the desired emotion you were probably hoping the reader would feel or exhibited. In my opinion it's just too predictable. But even with that said ... the actually word-for-word quality of your verse was no less impressive. Well, executed topic nonetheless. Good to see you posting again. Do us all a favor and keep doing so for a while. Peace, bro! |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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^^yes!!
my favorite type of piece to read are character sketch. When i read them, i always feel like there's a genuine piece of the writer's "person" embedded in his/her character. Whether by way of the character themselves or their perspective on the world or the ideal the project, its usually the most interesting piece of work to assess. With that said, this shit was awesome! so the narrator of the story turned out to be johnny, a victim of abuse. The story definitely wasn't hard to follow but what i want to touch on was the way it was written. John was a dreamer, a lost little kid Long before reefa and bongin' his weed He got locked in cerebral boxes for weeks John blocked out the people he clocked as deceitful Watching them drowning in swamps of their evil Lost in the clouds, John wandered about From docks to the mountains Watching his town go rotten around him the opening had such a sing-songy method to it. almost reflective of a child's perspective. The hook certainly reinforced that return to innocence. wording was the highlight to me. There are two types of writer. Those who struggles to find words and those who have words and simply implement them. This piece entails someone who does not have problem getting words as the wording was so natural, rhyming was so fluent that it almost read as a prose instead of rap! That's the highest compliment i can give someone in terms of mechanics man. The last few hours showcased some dope ass verses from lots of dope writers. u, elite, Rutter all doing the damn thing. thanks for contributing to LA man. Now im looking to write some shit myself lol. Well done. certainly a 5 stars effort.
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