Open Mic: Johnny

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Venomonology View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 23 October 2012
Status: Offline
Points: 674

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 9-2-0
Form: WWLWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Venomonology Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Johnny
    Posted: 13 December 2016 at 6:15pm

John was a dreamer, a lost little kid
Long before reefa and bongin' his weed
He got locked in cerebral boxes for weeks
John blocked out the people he clocked as deceitful
Watching them drowning in swamps of their evil
Lost in the clouds, John wandered about
From docks to the mountains
Watching his town go rotten around him

Home made safe for the baby of eight
With folks in state; the name they gave
Explains their mistake of the rape vic baby
Evading the waste, escaping the fate
Of the way too late
Longing for a hug from creators who made him
Buzzing off the drugs they had taken to slay him
Ain't shit changing

The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.

Many heads revel in the city unseen
He's eleven heads spinning in a pissy drug dream
Admittedly he lives a little unclean
But he beats off the chances of giving up; feels he can
Defeat the cancers weaving between him
He breathes these stanzas, each one appeasing
The replayed rage from the kitchen he lived in
When ain't shit changed but the age of the victim

Paint this hate: getting kicked in by siblings
The pain gets erased by the bass and the kick, still
Brain's in a state that is basically spit-riddled carnage
Linked with a heart that is ripped up and tarnished
He sits in these trances, amidst all his art
And he spits his bars, getting pissed in the park

I guess bad apples swing close to the bark

The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.

Now John sits thinking of lynching himself
The rest of the kids sick of the smell of
This hell they exist in. The death bell's ringing
A lullaby for shutting eyes of untimed children
Shoddy life chucking up a cut-priced thrill then
John's dreams left when the belt that he'd felt
His pop vent rage with led his descent for a spot in the grave pit
Guess who went when she clocked it in papers?

Oh the irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.


Edited by Venomonology - 13 December 2016 at 7:09pm
Back to Top
SELF ACTIVATE View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 February 2016
Location: Kemet
Status: Offline
Points: 1380
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-0
Form: WL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 December 2016 at 8:34pm
Quote John was a dreamer, a lost little kid
Long before reefa and bongin' his weed
He got locked in cerebral boxes for weeks
John blocked out the people he clocked as deceitful
Watching them drowning in swamps of their evil
Lost in the clouds, John wandered about
From docks to the mountains
Watching his town go rotten around him


For some reason, Designer's Timmy Turner won't stop playing in my head as I read this. I mean, your piece is nothing like his, but still there seems to be some sort of strange connection.

In any case, as far as openers go this is about as solid a start as any topical writer can hope for.

Your flow is crisp and your wording is clean and clear.

I'm also able to get a general idea of who Jonny started out as ... as well as the environment that made/shaped him.

Quote Home made safe for the baby of eight
With folks in state; the name they gave
Explains their mistake of the rape vic baby
Evading the waste, escaping the fate
Of the way too late
Longing for a hug from creators who made him
Buzzing off the drugs they had taken to slay him
Ain't shit changing

The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.

Many heads revel in the city unseen
He's eleven heads spinning in a pissy drug dream
Admittedly he lives a little unclean
But he beats off the chances of giving up; feels he can
Defeat the cancers weaving between him
He breathes these stanzas, each one appeasing
The replayed rage from the kitchen he lived in
When ain't shit changed but the age of the victim

Paint this hate: getting kicked in by siblings
The pain gets erased by the bass and the kick, still
Brain's in a state that is basically spit-riddled carnage
Linked with a heart that is ripped up and tarnished
He sits in these trances, amidst all his art
And he spits his bars, getting pissed in the park

I guess bad apples swing close to the bark


Okay, now I know why Timmy Turner comes to mind while reading this. The premise of both stories are fairly similar. Plus, the names Timmy and Jonny are relatively close.

Of course I can hardly understand the majority of what Designers says in his piece lol. But still

OAN

It was hard to break these sections into parts because each line was so interdependent on the ones before and after it. Not to mention your flow carried the read in such an effortless fashion that by the time I stop to collect my thoughts I was already halfway down the page. So props to you on employing such superb mechanics and efficient technique. Thus far it has been a treat to read and observe your technical abilities.

As for the actual content, well you have successfully managed to paint a vivid picture of a slum invested cityscape: filled with drugs and gloomy prospects. You've also convincingly depicted the reality of a broken and dysfunctional family unit where Jonny's needs are not being met and his abilities/talent is not being nurtured. In a nutshell: your words read true-to-life and authentic. Sad stuff.

Quote The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.

Now John sits thinking of lynching himself
The rest of the kids sick of the smell of
This hell they exist in. The death bell's ringing
A lullaby for shutting eyes of untimed children
Shoddy life chucking up a cut-priced thrill then
John's dreams left when the belt that he'd felt
His pop vent rage with led his descent for a spot in the grave pit
Guess who went when she clocked it in papers?

Oh the irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.
The irony. I'm Johnny. My mommy
Likes wine more than she likes Johnny.


I like the sensational response your words invoked here. I could not only see what you intended for us to see, but I could smell the filth, and hear the toll of the metaphorical bell as well. So that to me was really dope.

Overall: This (as per usual) was a very well written piece, Ven. Mechanically it checked all the boxes. Lyrically it had depth and imagery. My only gripe would be that Jonny died. Now if it were a recount of a real life scenario you chose to express in topical-format then cool. However, if it was just a story conjured up purely by your imagination then Idk, bro. It's just a death at the end has become so common place and expected in OMs across the web that rarely does it carry weight or invoke the desired emotion you were probably hoping the reader would feel or exhibited. In my opinion it's just too predictable. But even with that said ... the actually word-for-word quality of your verse was no less impressive. Well, executed topic nonetheless.

Good to see you posting again. Do us all a favor and keep doing so for a while.

Peace, bro!

Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 December 2016 at 3:58am
^^yes!! 

my favorite type of piece to read are character sketch. When i read them, i always feel like there's a genuine piece of the writer's "person" embedded in his/her character. Whether by way of the character themselves or their perspective on the world or the ideal the project, its usually the most interesting piece of work to assess. With that said, this shit was awesome!

so the narrator of the story turned out to be johnny, a victim of abuse. The story definitely wasn't hard to follow but what i want to touch on was the way it was written. 

John was a dreamer, a lost little kid
Long before reefa and bongin' his weed
He got locked in cerebral boxes for weeks
John blocked out the people he clocked as deceitful
Watching them drowning in swamps of their evil
Lost in the clouds, John wandered about
From docks to the mountains
Watching his town go rotten around him

the opening had such a sing-songy method to it. almost reflective of a child's perspective. The hook certainly reinforced that return to innocence.

wording was the highlight to me. There are two types of writer. Those who struggles to find words and those who have words and simply implement them. This piece entails someone who does not have problem getting words as the wording was so natural, rhyming was so fluent that it almost read as a prose instead of rap! That's the highest compliment i can give someone in terms of mechanics man. 

The last few hours showcased some dope ass verses from lots of dope writers. u, elite, Rutter all doing the damn thing. thanks for contributing to LA man. Now im looking to write some shit myself lol. Well done. certainly a 5 stars effort.


Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down