Open Mic: [Chain Reaction] Haunted

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    Posted: 20 December 2016 at 8:09pm
Topic: Being haunted...either you haunting someone, or you being haunted by an event or person from the past
 
 
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Hi Will,

This morning I woke to soaked pillows and sheets
Raw throat, eyes feel like they’ve been open for weeks
Toss, turn, sit up, a Constant rinse ‘n repeat
Insomniac drifting in and out, Temazepam for my sleep
Deep inside echoes stir recurring panoptic vista
Dream perceptions so real it hits optics like a ballista
Gripping bed rails until my hands bloody and blister
Fists to headboards knuckles bust open and splinter
Mother screaming wake up. I see the fear on her face
Scared the person I am is not the same man that she raised
Tears grazing her cheeks while our relationship fades
Pulling away from the one who was the light to my shade
Nights erasing days I’ll never get back to just say
‘I love you’ – if those words are ever enough to convey
Strange way to show it. I know. I’m growing ashamed
Or paranoid thinking the world figured out I’m insane
Can’t reconfigure my life or put it back in the frame
Since that day you lost control. Car slid off the Highway
Head slumped in my lap. Screaming for God to explain
Why my best friend and me is not breathing the same
Could barely sign the guest book when your funeral came 
May as well burry me too and throw dirt on the grave
A part of me died. Seems like the worst of me stayed
Hope this hurt in my heart will soon move further away
I have nothing. No words or quips I can leverage or say
Ill never forget you or that look of dread on your face 
Believe me friend It still haunts me. 

right now and every day
 





Edited by rhetorical - 20 December 2016 at 8:59pm
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SELF ACTIVATE View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 8:54pm
Edit Typo: "buried" to "burry"

But, yeah...

What can I say that you don't already know?

I liked this piece my dude. A lot actually. Not only did it have all the fancy mechanics and required devices we look for when reviewing a piece, but it also -- and more importantly -- possesed an intangible quality no amount of technique can produce -- heart. Real spit. I could tell right from the jump this verse was coming from a real place. It was something I, as a reader, could feel and relate to. Especially, the relationship with your mother. Speaking of which I need to call mine. Anyway, sorry for ya loss, bro. As made obvious by the depth of your words and effort you displayed, your buddy meant a lot to you. So much so it transcended text. Now in terms of pure lyricism these are the lines that most impressed me...

Quote
This morning I woke to soaked pillows and sheets
Raw throat, eyes feel like they’ve been open for weeks
Toss, turn, sit up, a Constant 'rinse and repeat


^I dug the wording, the thoughtfulness of the description, the assonances, and the flow.

Quote Mother screaming wake up. I see the fear on her face
Scared the person I am is not the same man that she
raised
Tears grazing her cheeks while our relationship fades
Pulling away from the one who was the light to my shade
Nights erasing days I’ll never get back to just say
‘I love you’ – if those words are ever enough to convey


^This is a powerful passage of text and one I can relate to. I dug the "light to my shade" metaphors. And the I thought your wording was impressive as well as your flow. Everything fit snugly within the imaginary confines of the "meter".


Quote Strange way to show it. I know. I’m growing ashamed
Or paranoid thinking the world figured out I’m insane


^Exactly what I feel like when I go to the mall or the grocery store baked. lol.


Can’t reconfigure my life or put it back in the frame
Since that day you lost control. Car slid off the Highway
Head slumped in my lap. Screaming for God to explain
Quote Why my best friend and me is not breathing the same
Could barely sign the guest book when your funeral came


^Been there, bro. This is some real shit.


Quality drop, Rhet. Through and through.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 11:13pm
Damn, wasn't expecting that when I set you that challenge!! Was ripe. Not sure if it was a deliberate contrast type thing but I preferred towards the end when your vocab kind of dialled down a notch and you got a whole load more expressive...for me the simplest bits were the parts where you channelled that emotion and it made it really resonate. Closer was poignant and felt authentic, that & the "part of me died...worst of me stayed" bit were potent. Looking back on the drop though even that "relationship fades" part is strong...like you have real strong expressiveness in your phrasing. Sometimes it comes across as if you're stretching on the vocab, but maybe that's because you have a wider range than me and you're more comfortable with it. I dunno.

Regardless you took this in a direction I wasn't expecting and it was real refreshing if a little harrowing at the same time. Echo the sentiments of Self, quality drop.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 2:31am
Originally posted by Cuba Cuba wrote:

Damn, wasn't expecting that when I set you that challenge!! Was ripe. Not sure if it was a deliberate contrast type thing but I preferred towards the end when your vocab kind of dialled down a notch and you got a whole load more expressive...for me the simplest bits were the parts where you channelled that emotion and it made it really resonate. Closer was poignant and felt authentic, that & the "part of me died...worst of me stayed" bit were potent. Looking back on the drop though even that "relationship fades" part is strong...like you have real strong expressiveness in your phrasing. Sometimes it comes across as if you're stretching on the vocab, but maybe that's because you have a wider range than me and you're more comfortable with it. I dunno.

Regardless you took this in a direction I wasn't expecting and it was real refreshing if a little harrowing at the same time. Echo the sentiments of Self, quality drop.

thank you for the topic. its something ive been wanting to write about for a while, your topic gave me a reason. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 3:18am
damn this is heavy, bro. THis was cinematic as hell. using words you paint such a vivid picture. from the sweat laden pillows to the psychotic episode. Even the expression of your mom's face was done with such humanistic strokes. Ultimately, what made the whole thing work was the emotion. if there wasn't a semblance of sincerity this could've easily been a regular fiction with death as the usual grasp at reaction, ha, but in this piece, stuff like this:

Nights erasing days I’ll never get back to just say
‘I love you’ – if those words are ever enough to convey
Strange way to show it

there's something raw and so organic about that segment. It made the piece more real, u know? 

overall, man this was a dope Chain Reaction response. man can't wait to see more of ur stuff, man! write more!





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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 5:10am
yooo...I just read this....I dont have time now but I will def drop proper feed that this deserves in the next day or two...dope shit by the way

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 11:19pm
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