Open Mic: Transit

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Transit
    Posted: 11 September 2018 at 5:50am
Transit
by Sammy and iLL scriptureZ

I was fed but nothing else.
Used to beg for something…
Now i’m more accustomed to nothing; Actually, a preference. Dealt..
in plaid attire. Buttoned up sleeves.
Crosshatch design, designed to be lost in the evening
5pm frenzies. Boston by the season
Tossed like lemmings lost in debt of twenty leagues. I’m…
Lost in the evening. Same Idol talks on the T. 
Sat across from me, a long legged blonde
Make believing she hadn’t noticed the many eyes charting her cleavage
Love scar on her cheek (i think).
Passion is fun, no? Ask her, Sam. 

I was starved by something else.
Used to have everything…
Now I’m habitually anything; In reality, a fondness. Folded..
in suggestive fashion. Low cut v-neck.
Silk laced pattern, patterned to be found tonight
Happy hour impulses in Beantown 
Overwhelmed by suitors who confess love to me. I’m…
Found tonight. Original perfection speaks to me.
Adjacent, a tall handsome man
Convinced he hadn’t detected my stare
Hair masking my past pain (i hope).
Love is courageous, yes. Ask me, you. 



Back to Top
The Rap Daemon View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 05 August 2015
Location: Purgatory
Status: Offline
Points: 1108

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-14-0
Form: LWLWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 1:43am
The attention to detail in this verse is eye-catching.

Opposites attract, and they certainly did here. It was on my 2nd read that I realised what you guys did with that opposite thing. Very clever collaboration and you both bounced off each other very naturally, no homo.

The love scar on her cheek/hair masking my past pain lines hit me the most. Really powerful wording.

I can't knock this piece if I spent a thousand years trying to.

I gotta say this is probably my favourite piece I've ever read on this site.
Faggot
Back to Top
RosenBoss View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 05 September 2018
Location: Nebraska
Status: Offline
Points: 66

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-2-0
Form: LL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote RosenBoss Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 4:37am
This was very creative. I can actually see these pictures framed with the words below it used as art on the wall. It's poetic.
Back to Top
iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Location: NJ
Status: Offline
Points: 2477

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 11-5-1
Form: LWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 2:33pm
Sammy, I'm glad we were able to deliver on this. When you sent me this verse, it was the first time since I could remember I thought to myself "how tf am I gonna match this". I didn't want to bring the same style that I bring to every piece and I wanted to grow a bit. This was an atom bomb of a poetic collab, man. Thanks for letting me be a part of it.
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 3:28pm
word! what u did with it was fuckin brilliant. Once i caught on i was like ohhhh shit.!


Back to Top
Neek View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Super Mario Slaughterer

Joined: 05 October 2004
Status: Offline
Points: 3862

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 3-1-0
Form: LWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 5:40pm
this piece fucked me up. ill be honest. I didnt know if you guys were going for some inception shit and the "tell em sam" bit was bait.. and the verse thats supposed to be samuel was ill and ill was samuel because samuel is ill even when its not a collabo. bottomline, was mindfucked from the very start.


I enjoyed the read. the inner dialogue felt very real. I am not sure the narrative spoke to the pics, as its an empty subway and wheres all this gawking taking place before the two smitten lovebirds lock eyes in that refreshing this is it moment.. but the narrative was painted exceptional, no pun. you two are bonafide rockstars. bravo.
#Bananas
Back to Top
Trizzy Tre View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 28 March 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 5101
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 30-7-1
Form: WLWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2018 at 10:31pm
Wow..

Sammy, with pieces like this you always present your verse with clarity and vividness. Truly an art. You can tie any random picture around a creative verse, always impressive. Your storytelling ability is off the charts.

iLL - you did your thing man, no doubt in verses like this it's hard to keep up with Sammy, it's his wheelhouse. Overall this was a cool and out of the box drop. Enjoyable read fellas.


Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2018 at 10:32pm
neek, tre, thanks for the words, guys! really appreciate it. 


Back to Top
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator

Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12327

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 September 2018 at 7:37pm
I basically agree with Neek said here, so no need to repeat it. You both are superbly descriptive writers, say so much with so few words it's kinda fucked up. It was interesting to have two parts of a story intertwined with different images, very artistic type collab and a real fresh angle to take. Innovative stuff, awesome work.
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 3258
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 September 2018 at 11:20am
I seen this the other day but didnt get time to comment on it,sooooooo.



Highly interesting collab here guys,i was really feeling the perspective element
in this scene,and damn what a peach of a title too,Sammy your word placements
here really added some zest,and iLL your word choices complemented Sammy
and intrigued me,i got the impression this was like lust meets need scenario,it felt
real because of the environment you both created and not just the fact it was in
a carriage on a train,but by bring in the surroundings too,it added an open world
vibe on reading,it also read like opposites was in play too,him and her/dressed
up/dressed down/high life/low life,i could go on,but what defines this for me,is
the desire to be one together,this collab was innovating and creative,and a bench
mark in essences for how a true collab should be,the same story but different
takes with the same ideas,ripe fellas,and a solid read that deserves way more
feedback really..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
rhetorical View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator


Joined: 14 February 2014
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 807
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-0
Form: WWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 September 2018 at 1:44pm
so much said with so little, the brilliance was really the way you guys just complimented each others verses here. brushed with very poetic strokes. these two pieces went together as seamless as a collaboration can possibly go. good work fam
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 September 2018 at 5:14pm
Reading all the feedback I came to the conclusion that everything has been said. One of my favorite pieces I've seen on here.

So I'd like to take the time out to talk about Jesus. In psalm 21:9 Jesus said "when shits lit. We gon feast". In Mark 9:49 jesus said "let it be lit" and I got lit the fuck up.

Jesus supports this message.
#Bananas

Back to Top
Hyperactive View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 03 August 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 113

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 3-0-0
Form: WWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Hyperactive Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 September 2018 at 5:47pm
^ lmao @ that comment.

This was absolutely insane. As conveyed by others, the ability to get so much across in so few words was incredible enough - the way the verses not only blended together but followed the same structure and pattern pushed it over the top. Amazing work, art at its finest.
Back to Top
iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Location: NJ
Status: Offline
Points: 2477

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 11-5-1
Form: LWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 September 2018 at 6:48pm
Thanks everyone... Sammy, I think is HOF shit.. just saying
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 September 2018 at 10:00pm
bro, i actually had my lit professor read this and she was really digging it. I asked her if she saw what we did here. at first she was like "im not sure what you're referring to but i like the descriptive language. Then she kind of read it a few more times. I knew she caught it when she said OHHHH I SEE IT NOW. She was impressed, in other words lol. def one of my favorite piece and worthy of an hof. (not tryna be narcissistic or anything lol)


Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 653
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 September 2018 at 3:19am
I’ve read this a few times now and it only gets better. Not sure what else I could add to what’s been said already but I’ve been meaning to leave a comment earlier. One of the best pieces I’ve seen so far. Tremendous effort, just beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
Back to Top
Smoothtung View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 09 December 2012
Status: Offline
Points: 2222

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 25-8-3
Form: WWWLWN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Smoothtung Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 September 2018 at 3:54am
Dang this was nice. Highly impressive. I always knew Ill was descriptive but I don't know you Sammy and I found your verse to be beautifully poetic. Ill i agree lol I thought to myself after reading the first verse how is he gna follow up on that? But you stepped in with strength and elegance. Props to both of you.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down