Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 8 vs Battler 9 [8 WIns] |
Post Reply |
Author | |
The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Topic: IC2 Round Two: Battler 8 vs Battler 9 [8 WIns] Posted: 10 April 2017 at 7:24pm |
Identity Crisis: Round 2 - 20-60 Lines - Best of 7. - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden. - Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time TOPIC In the link below is your topic/round theme. |
|
|
|
The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:34pm |
Battler 8 "Plum Island" (Green Port High School) I've been into nature since I had my glasses taped- I never asked for hate, from my classless mates- But I was a pushover until they cracked or break- They laughed at Jake, Never got asked for dates- Had the underwear pulled up from my crack to waist- Now that I'm older there's a everlasting taste- That saturates, the masquerade that is my mask less face- I felt like a type of icing over a plastic cake- They won't get a 'piece of me' even if my casket breaks- Always kept to myself, So why must they follow me?- Studied health, not to mention A plus in Biology- Got accepted to every school, as it gave me a positive core- Having dinner with my parents as I heard a knock on the door- Dad let them in as their feet fell like rocks on the floor- I was at the banister listenin'n like there's a possible war- They said my intelligence passed that of an average human- But if I went with them the family would have a lavish movement- Have our famished loosened, Eat what we want plus lack the gluten- Absolutely! At 18 I studied Plum Island, I went off the deep end- Chemically and surgically hurting animals... but had off the Weekends- For years I did this testing, With No need for nonsense- A demon breathes in my deepened conscience, mentally I had a secret project-....... I'm suppose to inject a dog with a new type of medicine- But I'm using my OWN elixir and my minds insight on fetishes- My brain is a safe I keep all my past remnants in- This monster I create will disintegrate all the detriments- No longer tentative, I stole classified Government ingredients- They will never know because of all my coveted obedience- I took the vials and I shoved em in some fetuses- That were used up, just a bunch of duds we shoved needles in- At first the dog would be infected and get more vicious- Then he started getting bigger so I'd inject more sickness- Hormones with tenacity that were derived from a shark- Thats what drew me to this chemical igniting a spark- I'll release this beast full grown at night when its dark- Unleash on Greenport the town I've had right in my mark- I didn't think this would work I admit I had doubts- But I see this monster as the venom drips from his mouth- The deadly growling noise as he sniffs from his snout- Can't wait till he rips thru a crowd, without missing his route- Like a Wide Receiver never fizzling out, leavin' souls kissin'n the clouds- Family left rigid and foul, Fuck em cus this is the now! Everyone left for the night, I grab his cage with the forklift- Place it on my boat as he's mixed with a rage that is morbid- Heading to Greenport as my timing is laced with importance- He stands 8 feet tall 400 pounds and can taste the assortment- Of people with bikinis and skin that is caked in an ointment- The sun is up I stop the boat 100 yards from the beach- He's snarling his teeth, I'm in Awe of the gnarliest beast- Pardon to me, but do they know their just a parcel of meat- That he'll harvest with ease, This beast will start at the feet- Until he moves to the organs making it harder to breathe- Open the cage as he swims in the water moving farther with ease- A shark with a breeze onto the beach as I see the harmony breached- Screaming bloody murder with a arm in his teeth- So much harm in his reach- They should start alarming the streets- Hes magnificent! Dead children with blood soaked hand rattles- Revenge on ignorance, Slaughtered kids on broken sand castles- Screaming parents I can almost taste the tears in their eyes- I knew I'd get my revenge but had to take the weirdest disguise- I released myself in this beast as these victims reach the end- I believe my revenge is ceased but who's the beast, Me or him?.... |
|
|
|
The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:34pm |
Battler 9 Abomination of a species, that plays no hand for the Damned Loved or Refused no demon or vampire can change who i am My mother's a whore that let Satan get in her pants Im alone with no home, its just me & my blood thirst Cold nights are when my throat will hurt the worst By dawn you'll be resting in the back of your hurse I would strip mortals of their flesh feasting in delight My Toxins Rush despite some who would show me some fight That suddenley changed when i met her one faiteful night A human in foresight but an arche angels cousin disguised She had one green & one Gold eye that she really despised she knew of my world and had a few gifts of her kind One being able to pull the dark in view of the light We fell in love unable to touch scales to her flesh My skin burns like acid so we had to do what was best We still could fuck, funny and all but i fucked her raw Dont even know which dick she would end up bouncin up on Through all the sin within our love was something so pure I enjoy the evil life but good outshines it in her allure She had me hooked, i will be the first one to admit it Bitch had me sprung since the first time that i hit it She pulled me in smooth, no idea soon id be finished Unbeknownst to me these demons & Vamps had a hit-list My name written up above all the victims they listed One dark night we were fucking, she was screaming out Then next minute her face morphed & she grew a snout! I saw her big white fangs quickly shoot out her mouth She then proceeded with her attempt to take me out Then a loud crack echoed above as the clouds parted ways The sight so magnificent i cant find the words to explain Her cousin the arch angel then began his descent He said he had a gift for me if i choose to repent He told of how god had been watching me from up above He said he will bless me because my heart could feel love Noticed cause' of the cousins Aura "Aurora i am so disappointed!" "Taking Bribes to end lives, but since birth you were Anointed" "Your wreaking evil in this world and i've been sent to destroy it!" He hit her with a beam of light and she disintegrated really quick Her Limbs & skin exploded, it covered me slick and made me feel sick Then he turned to me and said "you must accept Jesus to receive this" "If you do i will turn you into a human being!" i couldn't believe it! I nodded my head in acceptance, and he put a hand to my forehead Everything started to spin and for a second i thought i was dead I awoke naked in the forest as a normal person, no more half breed I was also blessed with protection from those that were after me A monster turned to a mortal with a story that ended so happily Edited by The Law - 21 April 2017 at 1:15pm |
|
|
|
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 8:21pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 8. "Plum Island" (Green Port High School) I've been into nature since I had my glasses taped- I never asked for hate, from my classless mates- But I was a pushover until they cracked or break- They laughed at Jake, Never got asked for dates- Had the underwear pulled up from my crack to waist- Now that I'm older there's a everlasting taste- That saturates, the masquerade that is my mask less face- I felt like a type of icing over a plastic cake- They won't get a 'piece of me' even if my casket breaks- Always kept to myself, So why must they follow me?- Studied health, not to mention A plus in Biology- Got accepted to every school, as it gave me a positive core- Having dinner with my parents as I heard a knock on the door- Dad let them in as their feet fell like rocks on the floor- I was at the banister listenin'n like there's a possible war- They said my intelligence passed that of an average human- But if I went with them the family would have a lavish movement- Have our famished loosened, Eat what we want plus lack the gluten- Absolutely! At 18 I studied Plum Island, I went off the deep end- Chemically and surgically hurting animals... but had off the Weekends- For years I did this testing, With No need for nonsense- A demon breathes in my deepened conscience, mentally I had a secret project-....... I'm suppose to inject a dog with a new type of medicine- But I'm using my OWN elixir and my minds insight on fetishes- My brain is a safe I keep all my past remnants in- This monster I create will disintegrate all the detriments- No longer tentative, I stole classified Government ingredients- They will never know because of all my coveted obedience- I took the vials and I shoved em in some fetuses- That were used up, just a bunch of duds we shoved needles in- At first the dog would be infected and get more vicious- Then he started getting bigger so I'd inject more sickness- Hormones with tenacity that were derived from a shark- Thats what drew me to this chemical igniting a spark- I'll release this beast full grown at night when its dark- Unleash on Greenport the town I've had right in my mark- I didn't think this would work I admit I had doubts- But I see this monster as the venom drips from his mouth- The deadly growling noise as he sniffs from his snout- Can't wait till he rips thru a crowd, without missing his route- Like a Wide Receiver never fizzling out, leavin' souls kissin'n the clouds- Family left rigid and foul, Fuck em cus this is the now! Everyone left for the night, I grab his cage with the forklift- Place it on my boat as he's mixed with a rage that is morbid- Heading to Greenport as my timing is laced with importance- He stands 8 feet tall 400 pounds and can taste the assortment- Of people with bikinis and skin that is caked in an ointment- The sun is up I stop the boat 100 yards from the beach- He's snarling his teeth, I'm in Awe of the gnarliest beast- Pardon to me, but do they know their just a parcel of meat- That he'll harvest with ease, This beast will start at the feet- Until he moves to the organs making it harder to breathe- Open the cage as he swims in the water moving farther with ease- A shark with a breeze onto the beach as I see the harmony breached- Screaming bloody murder with a arm in his teeth- So much harm in his reach- They should start alarming the streets- Hes magnificent! Dead children with blood soaked hand rattles- Revenge on ignorance, Slaughtered kids on broken sand castles- Screaming parents I can almost taste the tears in their eyes- I knew I'd get my revenge but had to take the weirdest disguise- I released myself in this beast as these victims reach the end- I believe my revenge is ceased but who's the beast, Me or him?.... (well well well, if this ain't a peach of a verse, i liked the rhyme scheme here and the mechanics in this piece, using the same sounding vowels and a few multi's thrown in for good measure made this flow with ease on reading,the details within was nicely played and subtle but with depth entow,and the wording was quite eloquent really, my 1st impression was a multitude of beast,Joesf Menegele/Jeckle and Hide/ Werewolf,even a Reptilian at one point with the Venom inclusion,but all along you were in essence Frankenstien, this beast became the extention of your tormented yrs,pretty much a Vengence scenario like in Marvel,then you let the Beast loose,the Beast you created from twisted hate and genetics,and that's my point,your story telling here was ripe,vivid and fresh in angles and slants,it was also gripping on reading,it was a pacey read due to the content and rhyme schemes which I only touched upon earlier,it shows a good depth in vocab too,it also had the added bonus of reading at a constant too,via the progression of this boy/man character,it had a point of origin and an outcome, (which is in tune with the story is going to be messy and gorey),a well written and good polished verse..) Battler 9 Abomination of a species, that plays no hand for the Damned Loved or Refused no demon or vampire can change who i am My mother's a whore that let Satan get in her pants Im alone with no home, its just me & my blood thirst Cold nights are when my throat will hurt the worst By dawn you'll be resting in the back of your hurse I would strip mortals of their flesh feasting in delight My Toxins Rush despite some who would show me some fight That suddenley changed when i met her one faiteful night A human in foresight but an arche angels cousin disguised She had one green & one Gold eye that she really despised she knew of my world and had a few gifts of her kind One being able to pull the dark in view of the light We fell in love unable to touch scales to her flesh My skin burns like acid so we had to do what was best We still could fuck, funny and all but i fucked her raw Dont even know which dick she would end up bouncin up on Through all the sin within our love was something so pure I enjoy the evil life but good outshines it in her allure She had me hooked, i will be the first one to admit it Bitch had me sprung since the first time that i hit it She pulled me in smooth, no idea soon id be finished Unbeknownst to me these demons & Vamps had a hit-list My name written up above all the victims they listed One dark night we were fucking, she was screaming out Then next minute her face morphed & she grew a snout! I saw her big white fangs quickly shoot out her mouth She then proceeded with her attempt to take me out Then a loud crack echoed above as the clouds parted ways The sight so magnificent i cant find the words to explain Her cousin the arch angel then began his descent He said he had a gift for me if i choose to repent He told of how god had been watching me from up above He said he will bless me because my heart could feel love Noticed cause' of the cousins Aura "Aurora i am so disappointed!" "Taking Bribes to end lives, but since birth you were Anointed" "Your wreaking evil in this world and i've been sent to destroy it!" He hit here with a beam of light and she disintegrated really quick Her Limbs & skin exploded, it covered me slick and made me feel sick Then he turned to me and said "you must accept Jesus to receive this" "If you do i will turn you into a human being!" i couldn't believe it! I nodded my head in acceptance, and he put a hand to my forehead Everything started to spin and for a second i thought i was dead I awoke naked in the forest as a normal person, no more half breed I was also blessed with protection from those that were after me A monster turned to a mortal with a story that ended so happily (I liked how you opened here,came off as poetic in nature,although your rhyme scheme is basic,(no inner rhymes or multi's as per say),you still managed to keep this flowing by using end rhymes on each line,i get you had to sacrifice flow in order to go for the content,and to be honest the story did progress via that course,the effect it did have though was the read appears to be monotone or flat in parts,still it didn't cause any serious problems on the whole,your verse came off as a short of reform due to love rather than an all out horror,but it worked,it actually brought in some depth and emotion,(never a bad thing),your offering also had a direct tone/nature about it,besides the character finding love,it stayed pretty much in the same vein in approach via the before and after vibe,i did however like the twist mid way through about his love,she is actually the Beast,up until that point I thought the male character would be the one to morph,then the religious overtones came thick and fast,(Jesus was truly the saviour in this drop,my gripe is with this piece is rather the lack of monsters,plus the lack of imagery too,depiction is a great asset to have in topicals,here for the most parts it was missing,perhaps that's why it felt direct in approach,still an entertaining read with a good concept..) Overall good showing ppl,I did enjoy both reads here,very different in subject matter too,but for me there is a winner,and that was Battler 8,the be is I was feeling his verse on the whole,he's writing was more to my taste.still props to both for delivering a good tussle... Vote...Battler 8...peace. |
|
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|
SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 10:02pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. --UPDATED-- B8 This was a dope verse. It reminded be of a B grade horror film from the 80s. The premise was absolutely ridiculous but highly entertaining at the same time. I mean, a sharkdog? Come on, bro. That's so stupid it's dope. Seriously I loved the creativity this verse exuded and also how your words played out like a movie in my mind. You had some really vivid scenes/moments in your piece. For instance, the bit about the G Men showing up at your family's house as you all were having dinner -- that was dope. I also like how your story progressed from being a typical nerd who was picked on in high school, all the way to you becoming a modern day Dr. Moreau hellbent on revenge for how you were treated as a teen. Again, very 80s and very cool. In terms of mechanics I think you did a stellar job. Your verse was fluid, your wording clear, and the flow made for some smooth sailing. Overall, this was one hell of a read, bro. Props. P.S.; the picture complimented your words perfectly. B9 This was a nice drop! Your story reminded me of a fantasy based television show. Something to the effect of 'Supernatural' or 'True Blood' ... maybe 'Charmed' (just more R-rated), it had that sort of feel to it. You had a strang mix of characters: half-breeds, vampires, archangels; it all worked tho. The cast meshed well. As for your mechanics ... well, your wording was concise and your flow was pretty solid. However, some areas read a little flat. I mean, you told a sturdy story as a whole, but I can't say you had any stand out moments. In a nutshell your verse was consist, but I wish it would have had more colorful language and flair. VOTE -- B8[ Good tussle. I think both told interesting stories, but B8's verse was more HD and his plot was more layered and fleshed out. |
|
Jay Homicide
Standard Member Joined: 11 November 2009 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 1329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-3-0 Form: WWLWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 11:04pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 8: The technical aspect was pretty decent, though at times I felt like your use of a more compounded vocab actually hurt the flow a little. One or two of the rhymes didn't quite match up either. One of those less is more situations. As for the topic at hand, actually was well done. It was a simple story to follow, but it had a slow build and run through, which is good because a lot of the time people go from 0-100 real quick, and by the 5th bar you've got the entire story basically written out, and they get stuck on where to go. The fact you played it slow allowed you to use more lines, without repeating yourself or stagnating. Battler 9: The rhyming was pretty basic in this, and the whole rap part was nothing that was note worthy really, not a technically outstanding piece by any means. The story wasn't brilliant either, a lot of it was just about fucking, and there was no real monster story feel to it. Like you didn't do enough to explain what about the character made him a monster, what he did etc. This one fell flat for me. MVGT/ Battler 8.
|
|
Kiki Spirez
Superior Member Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 1:18pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 8: Your multis and internals were on point in this, really on point. To the point that I was reading thinking, 'this will drift off soon in to something left intricate, or it'll read really forced', but it never did. It was fun to read, with an engaging story. The first few bars were such a strong start, and whilst it didn't get better than that, it set the stall for what was to come. Particularly liked the 'plastic cake' similie. My criticism would be the ending, which I found cliche and disappointing. It made sense, I think i'm just sick of the 'but who is the monster?' thing. Good stuff overall though. Battler 9: This verse had good intentions, potential for a good story, and wasn't awful by any means. But it suffered from violent peaks and troughs, and real inconsistencies. So it doesn't sound like i'm lazily hating, i've picked a section for an example and i'll take you through my thought process. "Taking Bribes to end lives, but since birth you were Anointed" "Your wreaking evil in this world and i've been sent to destroy it!" He hit her with a beam of light and she disintegrated really quick Her Limbs & skin exploded, it covered me slick and made me feel sick Then he turned to me and said "you must accept Jesus to receive this" "If you do i will turn you into a human being!" i couldn't believe it!The first two lines - Fantastic. It read like natural speech. It was a bit of a half rhyme, but worked and carried on the flow. The next two lines then have awkward wording - Using a word like disintegrated, when not having a matching multi the next line.. An unnecessary 'covered me sick', that i'm sure was meant to link with 'feel sick', but only served to delay the flow. Then finally the final two lines, which seems to have no issues, until you get to 'human being', and the reader has to pause awkwardly, before desperately fitting in a match to the end multis of the previous line. Hopefully you get where i'm coming from. I don't know if it was rushed or what, but with a word or rhyme moved or removed here and there could've made it a good piece. MVGT- Battler 8. |
|
The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 26 April 2017 at 2:23pm |
8 Wins
|
|
|
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|