Topic Closed Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 1 vs Battler 16 [16 wins]

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: IC2 Round Two: Battler 1 vs Battler 16 [16 wins]
    Posted: 10 April 2017 at 7:07pm
Identity Crisis: Round 2

- 20-60 Lines 
- Best of 7
- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden
- Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time

TOPIC

 In the link below is your topic/round theme.

Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 April 2017 at 1:17pm
Battler 1

Welcome to Day break, is this winter wetter? 

Or is there a sun beam? Here's Eve with the weather.. 

Thanks Jim.. You'll feel much better, 

When I tell ya' we'll look at some good letters, 

'Love Heather.. And Sarah' - Her diddy sister, 

Look at it! These mini's have done a pretty picture! 

The monster and sky in a gritty mixture, 

In this City, the moon's got us giddy mister..

Did we fit her in the star of the week? 

I'm star struck.. The talent we're starting to keep! 

Their moon is smart, and starring a freak!

But i'll bargain they'll find it harder to sleep..


(Fake TV Laughter)


Yes, a full moon only looms once a month,

Here's 'Lunar News' - Zoom on the front, 

But girls, assume that it's NOT a stunt, 

Locks your doors, or soon, it's a monster hunt..


(More Fake TV Laughter)


I sit in my favourite chair, 

Place a glare outside - I'd say that's fair, 

Shave this hair growing thick, 

I'm showing tics and knowing it, 

No sowing kit to patch ripped clothes, 

This shit blows, rolling on my tip toes,

It grips slow.. Makes a soul hurt, 

Soles work along with the growth spurt, 

I hope search but thoughts lay fucked,

They thrust for blood and prey lust, 

'Save us' say the apples of my eye, 

The cage rattles as I grapple with the rise, 

Battle in disguise, i'm solemn hence- 

The problem's holding on to common sense, 

Gone are dents to walls and more, 

Stall the paws enough to crawl indoors, 

I fall on floors, as my girls cower, 

Hurl growls and feel like the Worlds power..


BLANK


Daddy is in a bad place, we'd be a ready meal- 

If we weren't in bed behind this heavy steel, 

Let me feel safe again, at least Sarah's comfy, 

He dares us bluntly, as he scares us monthly,

Where's this ugly side when he reads me books, 

He sees the looks but goes for the meaty cuts- 

On the bleeding hooks, but he prefers a struggle, 

Each word just muddles, he stands with fur in puddles,

Purs in huddles, crouches whilst stroking his scars, 

Gropes for afar as Sarah moves too close to the bars,

Those are the parts that make me need an answer, 

It'll be disaster, as I see how he grabs her, 

Be faster.. What if ya' too slow in this hell though?

Well, no.. No.. Whats the blood from her elbow, 

A swelled flow from the wound, Dads snarls are foul, 

I fight back the tears as she starts to growl..



Edited by The Law - 21 April 2017 at 1:23pm
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 April 2017 at 1:18pm
Battler 16

I. CREATION PART I.

My tale begins in Ancient Greece
Where famous Beasts were made by piece
... creating sheep with ape's physiques ...
... ravens beaks with razor teeth ...
Making freaks in bogus arrangements
To make them compete for their own entertainment
Barbaric? Yes, but that's simply the way it is
What d'you expect from Olympian Deities

... I was made to exist ...
Just for fighting beasts of random lore
Like fire-breathing-panda-horse
With lions feet and dragon-claws
... and if I survived ... 
(With the likeliness of Santa Claus)
They'd make me fight the winner of Chimera versus Manticore
... thanks but naw .... 
I decry this circus ... I've a higher purpose
& heightened aversion to the slightest exertion
So as Dionysus finest wine was plied ... and working
Tightened Titans fighting, supplied my diversion
Dive behind the curtain, and descend through the portal
To a life exiled eternal in the realm of the mortal


III. EXILE

If I'm a monster or a devil ... that's just your belief
My confidence has trebled ... I'm an awesome beast
I've roamed for many ages, I've been stoned and I've been praised
And I've been known by many names, but you can Call Me Keith
Talk is cheap ... but my legend is priceless! 
As I walk the streets ... I'm a vengeful virus
Cut Behemoths down to size ... like I cured elephantiasis
And I cooked the Chupacabra up in Mexican spices
... ev'ry monster that I slew ...
... the stronger that I grew ...
No longer can I die ... no tomb can hold this
I'll kill everyone of you ... Newbs and Oldies
Kicked the Gruffalo to death for not using multies!

* focus *

Now I'm stronger than ever .... I'm an arrogant guy
Kill everything I see until the planet is dry
I must be the only monster, let all challengers fry
Even if I have to blow this land from the sky


II. CREATION PART II.

"So let me get this straight ...  
You took the head of wild centaur?
Chest of some type of faun? 
Arms and the legs of the legendary Minotaur?
... these are parts that get left ...
... or discarded at best ...
Hardly suggestive of the Devil in hybrid form!
But when put together ... how could they be so blind!"
Prometheus, that piece of shit ... created Mankind!

.....
...
.

Still ... what's the worst that could happen?
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2017 at 4:06am

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Battler 1

This was dope, a refreshing read and angle on the monster theme as it wasn't blatant.
I really enjoyed the scene and environment you painted.
The rhyme scheme was strong yet subtle. It read smoothly and the lines complimented eachother. It was Shakespearean vibe.
Very well done

Battler 16

This was dope
Fuck
I liked the shortness of some of the lines, they bounced around and played out nicely. And the rhyme scheme was nicely used. You had some very good Multis and inner rhymes but they weren't just blatant ambiguous words throw into a line cause it rhymes, everything furthered the story which is in my opinion a very strong case.

Some lines could of been shortened and still worked out, it would of kept the structure a bit tighter but it wasn't that big of deal, just being picky if I had to.

Imagery was on point. You literally created monsters in my mind as I read.

MVGT battler 1
This was difficult, on the technical side of it all, rhymes, creativity, structure, story and story progression everything was all on par

The only thing that battler 1 had over 16 was more of a story to it. He/she was able to give strong visuals, set a scene, and tell a story, which I felt battler 16 was lacking a bit.

Both very talented and well written, vote was only chosen because there had to be a winner
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2017 at 11:44am

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Battler 1..

Creative how you laid your verse out and opened up with a morning TV vibe,i can
Picture the scene vividly,a man and a women sitting on a couch with tattle laughter
And mugs of coffee on the table whilst introducing the weather lady,then she does
A little routine on viewers participation via letters and drawings,& in a false fashion begins to show and comment on the etching the children have drawn,you took me there to that place with the details here,the thing i liked here is it so mundane and
On the norm,I was able to picture more than what you were expressing,you also had some nice skits of multi words backing up your rhyme scheme which when read it
came off as even and smooth,you also described your monster in a subtle and in
parts abstract manner,what also struck me whilst reading this is the fact that your
betrayal of the monster was a family living through it,rather than the beast tearing
up victims,nice touch and concept/angle there,a good depicted piece, I enjoyed the read..



Battler 16..


Yep your imagery game is working here too,opening up with the course of how the monster was formed was solid,like it was thrown in a cauldron by a witch to concoct
a life form step by step,messing with genetics for pleasure is never going to end well,plus using the same sounding vowels with you multi words just heightened the
flow/tempo more,and all done whilst set in the old world environment,I must say your details are projecting some fine imagery here,like the gods have just created him and
turned him loose out of their boredom and for sport,I was also enjoying the Mythology
within this verse,(i do like me some Mythology),all though it was present here,in parts
it was loose but it worked still,your wording and to an extent you knowledge has been
good throughout too,and the ending was cleverly done also,the creation is no other
than man himself,formed from left over body parts and coupled with an ignorance,
A good enjoyable le read..

Overall a real tough one to call here,even after reading both twice, Battler 1 had some
fine creativity and concepts/angles,he also had a good tempo and sprite to his verse,i
liked the way it started and ended too,but then Battler 15 had all that as well,so this
comes down to simply which suited my liking the most,as i can't distinguish via the
category system (flow/creativity,etc etc) who took this out right,so my vote goes to Battler 15,just because he peaked my taste via Mythology,i know that's lame really,
but its all i could use to separate you both was plain and simple preference, props to
both here for making me scratch and rack my mind to call a winner,it wasn't easy..


Vote...Battler 15..peace
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 April 2017 at 9:25pm

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Both of these MC's are extremely talented and have their individual strengths which made it somewhat hard for me to decide.

Verse I was incredible. I love how personalized the story of the transformation was. Not only did it describe the designated theme, but it also runs parallel to individuals who have nasty personality changes (for whatever reason) and is relatable in an everyday sense too. This could be a song on its own and wouldn't need the context of the theme to make sense. Kudos to the writer. I can't even think of any criticism, it had heavy schemes, nice multi's and compounds, and an easily readable flow. 

Verse II was also very good, but in my mind it lacked the storytelling capabilities of Verse I, so I'm definitely going to have to go with Verse I. The schemes and flow here was impeccable though. Props to the writer. Halfway through, the flow got so insane that I considered switching my vote, but the lack of storytelling (and over emphasis on bravado) was a turn off for me. 

I'm going with Verse I.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 April 2017 at 6:05pm

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Battler 1

Quote Welcome to Day break, is this winter wetter? 
Or is there a sun beam? Here's Eve with the weather..


Nice intro.

Quote Thanks Jim.. You'll feel much better, 
When I tell ya' we'll look at some good letters,


Hmmm... I thought Eve was the weather-girl. Why would she be reading random letters? Also, "good letters" sounds very clunky and forced.

Quote 'Love Heather.. And Sarah' - Her diddy sister, 
Look at it! These mini's have done a pretty picture! 
The monster and sky in a gritty mixture, 
In this City, the moon's got us giddy mister..


Is this what the letter said or is this Eve reading it aloud? Also, "diddy sister"??? I've never heard that in my life. Not even in cute baby gibberish.

However, the scheme is pretty cool and as a whole I'm liking the progression of the story thus far. In the future tho be mindful of the details. Especially in a battle where your work is going to be examined and dissected more than usual.

Quote Did we fit her in the star of the week? 
I'm star struck.. The talent we're starting to keep! 
Their moon is smart, and starring a freak!
But i'll bargain they'll find it harder to sleep..


"Starting to keep" is awkwardly worded and I don't believe you were attempting to personify the moon so how exactly can a non sentient object be smart?

Quote (Fake TV Laughter)


Bro, you're killing me. I seriously hate to be so anally retentive because the actual writing isn't bad. In fact, it's pretty good, but some of your logic doesn't add up. Example, what news program have you ever watched in your life that has a laugh track? Unless by news you mean something similar to the View.

Quote Yes, a full moon only looms once a month,
Here's 'Lunar News' - Zoom on the front,


I'll suspend reality a bit and give you props on the wording. Nicely done.

Quote But girls, assume that it's NOT a stunt, 
Locks your doors, or soon, it's a monster hunt..


I'm gonna ignore that tiny typo, because we are all guilty of those. Also, I'm starting to get the broader picture. Apparently this is some sort strange Tim Burton type of world were things like this are normal and broadcasted casually and campy. Interesting.
Quote
(More Fake TV Laughter)

I sit in my favourite chair, 
Place a glare outside - I'd say that's fair, 
Shave this hair growing thick, 
I'm showing tics and knowing it, 
No sowing kit to patch ripped clothes, 
This shit blows, rolling on my tip toes,
It grips slow.. Makes a soul hurt, 
Soles work along with the growth spurt, 
I hope search but thoughts lay fucked,
They thrust for blood and prey lust, 
'Save us' say the apples of my eye, 
The cage rattles as I grapple with the rise, 
Battle in disguise, i'm solemn hence- 
The problem's holding on to common sense, 
Gone are dents to walls and more, 
Stall the paws enough to crawl indoors, 
I fall on floors, as my girls cower, 
Hurl growls and feel like the Worlds power..


Again, quite a bit of strange and awkwardly worded lines. However, as a whole you painted a very graphic picture of transformation. Both in the physical and the psychological sense one would likely experience during the process. I was there, in the mind and looking through the eyes of the character. Really nice way to capture a scene/moment. Props!

Quote BLANK


So much said in only a single word.

Quote Daddy is in a bad place, we'd be a ready meal- 
If we weren't in bed behind this heavy steel, 
Let me feel safe again, at least Sarah's comfy, 
He dares us bluntly, as he scares us monthly,


Okay, the story's progression is starting to make more sense now. I like the tie-in to the beginning and the relevance it has at this point. I also like how the word "monthly" and how it's being used to refer to the full moon. As well as the frequency of the situation. Also, the distress of the daughter seems legit. Another solid passage of writing.

Quote Where's this ugly side when he reads me books, 
He sees the looks but goes for the meaty cuts- 
On the bleeding hooks, but he prefers a struggle, 
Each word just muddles, he stands with fur in puddles,
Purs in huddles, crouches whilst stroking his scars, 
Gropes for afar as Sarah moves too close to the bars,
Those are the parts that make me need an answer, 
It'll be disaster, as I see how he grabs her, 
Be faster.. What if ya' too slow in this hell though?
Well, no.. No.. Whats the blood from her elbow


He sounds like a catwolf lol. In any case that last line was worded to perfection.

Quote A swelled flow from the wound, Dads snarls are foul, 
I fight back the tears as she starts to growl..


Uhmmm, "A swelled flow"??? I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't really make sense.

All in all: this was a solid read. You had some awkward phrasing, but you also had some decent imagery and you were able to encapsulate the emotion of the scenario quite convincingly. Props!

Battler 16

Quote I. CREATION PART I.


This seems like it's gonna be a real highbrow type of piece already.

Quote My tale begins in Ancient Greece
Where famous Beasts were made by piece
... creating sheep with ape's physiques ...
... ravens beaks with razor teeth ...
Making freaks in bogus arrangements
To make them compete for their own entertainment
Barbaric? Yes, but that's simply the way it is
What d'you expect from Olympian Deities


The flow could use some work. In some areas the slant and inners are really dope. In others the end rhymes are sluggish.

The content is extremely dope tho and I love the idea of the Greek gods creating their own monsters for entertainment. That's really creative.

In my mind I see claymation style beast from classic Hollywood films.

Quote ... I was made to exist ...
Just for fighting beasts of random lore
Like fire-breathing-panda-horse
With lions feet and dragon-claws
... and if I survived ... 
(With the likeliness of Santa Claus)
They'd make me fight the winner of Chimera versus Manticore


I have no problem with the mixing of different mythologies, cultures, or lore, but some of your references are so unrelated it's almost comical and removes the reader from the appropriate setting you first introduced us to. For instance, pandas and Santa have nothing in common with Greece or Greek mythology. But, then again, it's your world and you can mold it how you like.

OAN

I like the gladiatorial like theme you have going. It is interesting if nothing else.

Quote ... thanks but naw .... 
I decry this circus ... I've a higher purpose
& heightened aversion to the slightest exertion
So as Dionysus finest wine was plied ... and working
Tightened Titans fighting, supplied my diversion
Dive behind the curtain, and descend through the portal
To a life exiled eternal in the realm of the mortal


"Tightened Titans"??? Uhmm, okay.

Anyway, as a whole I thought this section was pretty neat and added to the intrigue and progression of the story. Props!

Quote III. EXILE

If I'm a monster or a devil ... that's just your belief
My confidence has trebled ... I'm an awesome beast
I've roamed for many ages, I've been stoned and I've been praised
And I've been known by many names, but you can Call Me Keith
Talk is cheap ... but my legend is priceless! 
As I walk the streets ... I'm a vengeful virus
Cut Behemoths down to size ... like I cured elephantiasis
And I cooked the Chupacabra up in Mexican spices


I'm not sure if Keith is a monster or a monster slayer or both. In any case, I'm digging the imagery and humor. Whoever wrote this must be a text-head because there is a punchy quality to this verse. The few last lines for example were written almost like a flex joint. I dig it!

Quote ... ev'ry monster that I slew ...
... the stronger that I grew ...
No longer can I die ... no tomb can hold this
I'll kill everyone of you ... Newbs and Oldies
Kicked the Gruffalo to death for not using multies!

* focus *


Lmao. Funny, but yes please focus. Lol@Guffalo tho. Bruh, is that like a mix of a giraffe and a buffalo or something?

Quote Now I'm stronger than ever .... I'm an arrogant guy
Kill everything I see until the planet is dry
I must be the only monster, let all challengers fry
Even if I have to blow this land from the sky


II. CREATION PART II.

"So let me get this straight ...  
You took the head of wild centaur?
Chest of some type of faun? 
Arms and the legs of the legendary Minotaur?
... these are parts that get left ...
... or discarded at best ...
Hardly suggestive of the Devil in hybrid form!
But when put together ... how could they be so blind!"
Prometheus, that piece of shit ... created Mankind!

.....
...
.

Still ... what's the worst that could happen?


The dialogue is all over the place. I'm not sure who is talking to whom. There is no order.

Anyway, your story was pretty jumbled and unorganized, but also lite, funny, creative, and entertaining as hell.

VOTE -- B16

Both battlers came with somewhat similar approaches. Each of their verse was almost equal in length and broken into parts/scenes. Both verses had humor and campy like moments and the mechanics of each piece were more or less at the same level. However, B16 takes the edge for having a more creative and entertaining overall story. At least to me. Good rumble. Some blood was spilled. But B16 gets the dub.

Peace...




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Battler #1, lots to like about this verse. First and foremost, the mechanics really stood out. The ' Full moon/monster hunt' 4 line segment was a great example of the your grasp on advanced mechanics. If I had to place one critique on the mechanics themselves it'd be that you were SO consistent that it made your schemes predictable. The content was a bit to DayDizzilian for my preference but you definitaly encapsulated the topic effectively.  Solid entry.

Battler #16, shit. Fuck you actually. This was my new fav verse I've read in IC so far. References/wording/execution of the first few bars alone were astounding. The social narrative you expanding it into, the creative layout, overall a very well thought out verse and top of the top tier quality. Good job.

+1 Battler 16
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 April 2017 at 12:08am

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Battler 1

 

 

Right off the bat, the wording is a bit awkward and honestly, a bit simple. Good that you are just dropping small queues and introducing the characters through. I like build ups. Hmmm. . im not really intrigued yet. Again, I think it’s the wording not doing it for me. . lets see if it picks up.  There we go, after the little news segment we hit a dope verse finally. Good short condensed lines and good visual queues, like him rattling the cage he locked himself in. . pretty cool. So dad attacks little sis and now she has turned. .

 

Lets see what battler 16 brought. . .

 

Man, the flow is just butter in this. Bouncing from line to line with ease, great wording. . this is my type of writing here. What I love is that you can feel empathy for this monster. The way he was forced to fight like a gladiator, and him just wanted to be in a different existence all together. And damn. . great end here..  “But when put together ... how could they be so blind!"

Prometheus, that piece of shit ... created Mankind!” That had a real punch to it and threw a little twist on everything. .

 

o.k., so I did like the route Battler one took story wise with the father attacking his own daughter and turn here. I like that he has a true animalistic instinct that just cannot be overcome, but the mechanics, schemes, wording, I mean, every other category went to battler 16, so that’s who gets my vote.

 

16+1  

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 April 2017 at 2:19pm
16 wins
Go my Minions!


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