The PoW.. Part 1
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32455
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 4:09am
Topic: The PoW.. Part 1
Posted By: fuckoff
Subject: The PoW.. Part 1
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 1:05am
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theyre limbs severed for misdemeanors n blasphemes theyre sick, they said.. lets feed em some vaccine blacks scenes of sand storms n stone battered bitches in backwards tattered villages, he chats n sits with a rusty klasnekoff, in grainy back dropped images self assured his gods appeased with his tyrannous syndicate his route across the silk road, unseen an sinuous he invited armies into his poppy fields and mud huts we replied with a front line, and in im one of those dumb fucks.. the sun sucks the life from veins, cracks fissurs in lips viscous sand whipped trenches attacked by militant kids my brothers slain, crossing the road could leave em in bits.. they all hate us, for forcing our freedoms on them realisms quick to set in when tested by a extremists fever for bliss prepd to matyr themselves they wait feeling tha switch to swiftly transcend this place, rise from the ash like pheonixes to a place where fifty virgins lie in wait, we fight on his plain his turf, his sniper gaze catches me, a ant amongst the dirt i hear it fizz past, a quick glance for cover, an i feel the burn a molten slug slithers deep in my arm, releasing my muscles i drop my weapon and will, listenin to the drip from my knuckles, lower my head to watch claret run from my sleeves n pool in my palm i dont fear the end, I kneel to accept it, im calm a metallic thud smashes my mug, and the world turns a cold black i woke to to the rumble of jeeps, my head, in one of those bags... this will be a ongoing series so look out for the next one
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Replies:
Posted By: levy420
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 1:15am
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This was nice loved the ending def keeps you in suspense waiting the next drop in this series you had me sucked in with the opening good choice of words an imagery here not any complaints here man dope drop stay up -------------  |
Posted By: Exoduzt
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 2:30am
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Its good to see you back doing your shit again... "blacks scenes of sand storms n stone battered bitches in backwards tattered villages, he chats n sits with a rusty klasnekoff, in grainy back dropped images self assured his gods appeased with his tyrannous syndicate his route across the silk road, unseen an sinuous "---damn homie you havent lost a step...the vocab to go with the flow in this section is fucking great...i loved it...also the sun sucks transition was really on point. "the sun sucks the life from veins, cracks fissurs in lips viscous sand whipped trenches attacked by militant kids my brothers slain, crossing the road could leave em in bits.. they all hate us, for forcing our freedoms on them----great imagery and i loved the last line...forcing the freedoms was such a dope fucking line... "to a place where fifty virgins lie in wait, we fight on his plain his turf, his sniper gaze catches me, a ant amongst the dirt i hear it fizz past, a quick glance for cover, an i feel the burn a molten slug slithers deep in my arm, releasing my muscles i drop my weapon and will, listenin to the drip from my knuckles, lower my head to watch claret run from my sleeves n pool in my palm i dont fear the end, I kneel to accept it, im calm a metallic thud smashes my mug, and the world turns a cold black i woke to to the rumble of jeeps, my head, in one of those bags..."---damn the details you pushed out and the pictures i got in my head were almost fucking real...very nice writing in this FO some stand out work. the desriptiveness isjust crazy i love the detail...i also liked the ant amongst the dirt ... great work my dude you havent lost a step -------------  |
Posted By: SwordedStylez
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 3:21am
| AIte, this is the first I've seen from you I think, and I like it. The first of the two stanzas has the superior flow by far and is smooth as butter. The second has better development of the concepts but the flow gets a little shaky (although it could all be fixed easily with slight rewording.) Your schemes are dope and I love the call-back bar in the second stanza, which you nailed. All in all a very enjoyable read, one of the best I've read since I came back. Lookin forward to part 2 stay up. |