Savage Harmonica
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32468
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 5:44am
Topic: Savage Harmonica
Posted By: Boss
Subject: Savage Harmonica
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 5:45pm
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The ground shakes and the dust wakes to a shutter of souls And flows the blood of those who fought a thunder that froze That zapped open their throats to choke and blunder its foes Eyelids closed and some stayed open like they're hopin' to see again Holdin' his neck chockin' from his own blood, dilated eyes see the end Vultures rippin' flesh and taking parts to their feeding nests Death was in the air as it was rare to see a breathing chest The sound... The beautiful sound... The harmonic melody gave me energy to savage my enemy I went in hard in vanity, ground's wet in blood, it's carnage insanity Stood above bodies with the tip of my sword drippin' blood With an arrow stuck in my shoulder, burnin' nostrils breathing hard My skin, sword and armor holding more DNA than forensic labs Standing glorious, victorious feels like orpheus evoked his instruments If the gods aren't amused then I'll refuse the guilt of genocide Fresh spirits walk around me but still I stand atrocious and unsatisfied I would bring them to life just to kill them again if I had the power But my other half makes me wanna vomit the pride I devoured it's sour, can't be sweet victory I struggle to find the state of euphoria In a battlefield Not the pen nor the sword is mightier but the heart and strength of a warrior but still the beauty the sword holds is mesmerizing, i call her Carnage Veronica And she dances with my arms to the tunes of the beautiful Savage Harmonica. |
Replies:
Posted By: SwordedStylez
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 6:17pm
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So, this was a nice lil read man. Your biggest issue that I can see right now is your schemes are slightly off at times, either you're a syllable out or a word out, but often a slight wording change would literally transform this flow from competent to savage. I've done this a couple times to illustrate but I always think it's easier to ge with your own bars. SO the example I'll give is: Eyelids closed and some stayed open like they're hopin' to see again Holdin' his neck chockin' from his own blood, dilated eyes see the end Your second bar here is too wordy compared to the first, you need to be more economic. Try reading your bars out-loud without rapping them just to see how the words flow together. If it seems a little clumsy to get your mouth around then there's room to improve the flow. I'll use the example bars as an example Eyelids closed and some stayed open like they're hopin' to see again Holdin' his neck'n chockin' on his blood, dilated eyes'll see the end You see how when you read the second bar this way it flows off the tongue smoother? That's what I mean by improving your flow. Another tip I wanna give you is a way to take a couple of short multie strings and combining them to add interest to your flow. I'll give you two different schemes I like to use a lot. The first one relies on rhymes to move the pace of the flow. When you rhyme a lot of short syllables together your flow speeds up, when you rhyme more syllables, it slows down and rounds off. I'll use an example from my recent open mic as it's a pretty good illustrator. So the idea here is to extend your multie scheme by adding a quick fire bunch of internals before the resolution of the final rhyme in the scheme. I;ll use letters to illustrate where the rhymes are. The letter above hte word indicates where the rhyme is (A A B C D E) (A A B C D E) blows throw my enemies, prose shows I'm bettter b (A) (A) (A) (A A B C D E) smoke chokes throats but tokes mold my melodies If you read the actual lyric lines out loud you should see that when you get to "smoke chokes throats but tokes" moves a little jumpier than the longer multi rhyme. This is a great way to add variation to the way your piece moves and also to extend a multi-scheme. If you only have 2 multies, try doing some internals with your first syllable to see if you can mix your flow up a little bit, there's nothing more boring than a verse where every line has identical flow. The second idea is simpler but uses a slightly different idea. This one relies on you creating two schemes that flow together coherently. I like to do this by having one scheme with less syllables at the beginning of each bar and a longer one at the end. 1(A B) 1 (A B) 2(a b c d) I'm twisted'n gifted, yo my spittin is sick, 1(A B) 1 (A B) 2(a c c d) i split lids with quick hits, and piss on ya kids this one was just some nonsense I made up to illustrate the structure. WIth this one when you read it aloud you should get a "DA DA, DA DA, D-d-d-da" sort of rhythm, again, more interesting than the same flow over and over AND it gives you a way to extend your schemes so you're not forcing or stretching as much. Apart from the flow/scheme issues this was tight, I enjoyed the concept and the imagery used, nice drop. Hopefully what I said could be of some help :). |
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 02 June 2014 at 6:17pm
fantastic bar, great simile, awesome imagery, just awesome! best bar of the whole jawn. there were some highlights in this piece but I loved that bar for some reason. you stayed consistent throughout with the carnage/savage. seems like if one came up, the other one followed. the instruments line kinda through me off. didn't know what that was really for. which did make it standout, so in a sense its either good or bad. ill go with good just for s-n-g's. regardless this was "boss". the approach and word usage was above average. conveyed what you were trying to say/describe adequately. props on this
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Death was in the air as it was rare to see a breathing chestPosted By: Boss
Date Posted: 04 June 2014 at 6:25am
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Damn... Yo swordedstylez thanx for the feed and I'll keep the advice in mind, cool way to demonstrate it, word man Ill scriptures word bruh...thanx for checkin' it out. Stay up |