[OM King] Lost
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=41388
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 4:57am
Topic: [OM King] Lost
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Subject: [OM King] Lost
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 3:02pm
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I still do her laundry though I feel awkward Yelling in the other room like I really talk to her It's a loss for me, I take it on the chin well But my pride is broken & every morning has been hell Staying up late getting comfortable with the silence Scrolling through pictures I love of you, it's timeless Only a year & a half ago, I know I put numbers on my mileage Short tempered with people, I'm vulnerable to violence This isn't me... you changed me visibly Tryna mind my own business, sippin' tea Instinctively, I reflect in the place I last saw At first it was fine but now I gotta back off Holding on to a memory I try to laugh off Laughing turns to crying feeling defeated by a glass jaw I gotta rip this mask off, put on that smile again It'll disappear into the darkness won't find it again That paranormal abyss, a mass hole vortex That swallow American ships by black soul forces It's bigger than that hear the piano chorus This'll be the death of me; sitting on foreshadow's doorstep But it's worth it To keep her warm, to keep her comfort To keep that smile, man I love her If your a parent you know our lives shambles Reminiscing everyday & for that I'm thankful But doing your baby's laundry is a life gamble Cuz somehow the washer & dryer turns into the Bermuda Triangle
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Replies:
Posted By: daydizzle89
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 3:43pm
| This concept was hellas fresh. I feel the pain of laundry. Im not gonna go into any technical feeding. I really like the story line and the way you kept me wondering where the fuck this was going. LOL dope shit Scripts |
Posted By: Sammy
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 4:05pm
| damn, that metaphor .. !! Awesome mix of poetry, intimacy and mechanics my man - and i'm happy to report that all fronts were executed extremely well. If i'm correct i believe Bermuda Triangle was just a symbolic expression; this portal to a happier time before the death of either a child or wife? Love the image of the window of the washer/dryer as your metaphorical depiction of a Bermuda Triangle. This was creativity of the highest order. another dope installment! I think i may cast my vote for this now. good stuff, Ill. |
Posted By: Rebel
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 5:02pm
I enjoyed this. The opening bar's make you think this is about one thing and the end reveal's just who you're talking about. I do think some thing's could be improved on from a mechanical aspect but the emotion was felt and the devices you used were on par. Look above for the rest of my feed.
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iLL ScriptureZ wrote:Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 9:29pm
| lol i thought making it different as far as people thinking its about death and the pain i'm feeling everyday...when it really is i cant find my daughter socks in the morning bc they disappear, like the triangle. |
Posted By: Rebel
Date Posted: 07 January 2016 at 11:23pm
| lolol |
Posted By: Sammy
Date Posted: 08 January 2016 at 4:33pm
ahaha, you asshole!
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Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 08 January 2016 at 11:05pm
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Haha, I really liked this as a concept...nice spin on the idea of the Bermuda Triangle. Having had shit eaten by the washing machine before I can totally relate & I get the new father angle as well. I do get the emotions that run with being a parent (not one myself but getting that life stage and people around me are becoming parents) so I get the direction and angle you were going for. For me it was maybe a little bit too over the top, like I think you sold it a bit too hard on trying to fake us out. Think it would feel more rounded if you dialled it down a notch or two in the build up. Wording wise, flow was generally good...in parts it could've been a bit smoother but haven't seen you around a lot so I guess you're getting back into it a bit, that will come with time...your verse form itself is very good so you have a good foundation, it's just slight tweaks in wording to let it roll off the tongue a bit more. So overall I commend you for the angle you took on this, the originality was tremendous and I liked the subject matter too, that's pure hip hop for me...writing about life experiences. Think a little bit of improvement in wording and getting a balance in the build up and final segment is what separates this between a 4 and 5 star drop for me. Glad to see you back and dropping though man, exactly what the challenge is about. ------------- 
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Posted By: alicewonder
Date Posted: 08 January 2016 at 11:15pm
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I loved the idea behind it, and you chose a really interesting metaphor of the Bermuda Triangle. Thought it was quite original and it was interestingly written leading up to that twist until the end. Along with the smooth flow and beautifully depicted imagery it was a really enjoyable read.
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Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 09 January 2016 at 2:10am
| Thanks for the free. Cuba that's some of the most honest direct fees I've received in some time. |