Blood & Bondage
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=41930
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 5:14am
Topic: Blood & Bondage
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Subject: Blood & Bondage
Date Posted: 17 February 2016 at 5:25pm
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...Topical Battle Verse BLOOD & BONDAGE I was once a young fool from the province of Sun Tzu Born in a brothel I was raised by prostitutes Force into the trade at the tender age of twelve I was raped everyday by sleaziest of males Like a prisoner in jail -- I had to sleep inside a cell Where I was tortured like a demon in the deepest parts of Hell In the darkness I would dwell...as the years starting passing And my health began to fail from all the sex I was having With those devils 'til a shell started forming 'round my seams And the hatred overwhelmed every fiber of my being 'til a sorceress's spell finally freed me from the fiends That were feasting on my flesh... Yes, she wore a satin veil and the fabric of her dress Was imported from Lhasa in the kingdom of Tibet As esteemed as she seemed I could still see that Death Sought refuge in her eyes and his ch'i never left What a secret she suppressed; I thought it to myself: "What if she was in a debt ... to a demon or *pinyin and she came here to collect?" That's when I heard her breath As she whispered to the mistress it was me she would accept -- little beads made of sweat Steady streamed down my cheek as the speed of her steps had increased to the beat that repeated in my chest As this dream manifested right before my very eyes Like a nightmare come to life but I had no where to hide When she starred me in my face then politely did reply If today would be a day that I rightly like to die??? Cuz the violence that resided inside my curseth tomb Would be silenced if invited inside my perversed room Thus, I took her at her word and accepted what she offered Then she bit me on the neck blood drizzled same as water As it trickled down my breast like a sacrificial alter Felt the pain & the pleasure -- was it sex or was it slaughter? Was I dead or now her daughter? But instinctively I knew ... the answers to those questions As my aptitude improved ... with every precious second I spent starring at the Moon ... I guess I got the message When she told me to CONSUME That's when I left the room -- all you heard were screams of horror People running for the doors before their backed into a corner Blood splattered on the walls human corpses on the floor boards Torture rattled down the halls like a tune that was morbid Then all you heard was NOTHING! Not a sound or a chorus! Cause everyone was dead, except the child that was born Inside that very brothel who was treated like an orphan Before she courted Death or fell asleep every morning ...with poison on her breath  安息以前的我 http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/blood-bondage-introduction-to-mr-dsh_topic41937.html ____________________________ *Pinyin is a Chinese vampire |
Replies:
Posted By: Sammy
Date Posted: 17 February 2016 at 5:52pm
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this sucked you asshole!! ahaha! nah, this was dope as hell (especially for a key!) and very deserving of the win, my brotha. Ok, so on to the feed. The story was very interesting to me, especially since i'm a horror fan. So the story tells of a brothel girl who was turned into a vampire by a female vampire. The end confused me a little, now did the main character (in vampire form) killed everyone or did the female vampire that bit her killed everyone? I think the strength of this verse was the cinematics and clarity. Story progression was linear and easy to follow. I think this is a first i've read of a PinYin, ha! well done, as usual. -------------  |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 17 February 2016 at 6:08pm
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Lol thanks Sam.... Now to answer your question. It was the brothel girl that slaughtered the lot. In the lines leading up to that event, I was trying to paint The picture of her being recently transformed, starring out the window with the old vamp behind her -- absorbing the power of the moonlight and getting used to her new self. Then once she had acclimated herself to her recently acquired abilities, the old vamp is basically like let you instincts kick in and go eat/'consume' all those who had wronged you. And then the young girl leaves the room and all hell breaks loose in her wake.... |
Posted By: Endeavor
Date Posted: 17 February 2016 at 7:24pm
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No worries, I got you. Tomorrow! I'll edit this post to provide my thoughts ect. From what I saw in a quick glance I'm loving it. ------------- #Bananas  |
Posted By: Neek
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 12:35am
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I was once a young fool from the province of Sun Tzu Born in a brothel I was raised by prostitutes Force into the trade at the tender age of twelve I was raped everyday by sleaziest of males Like a prisoner in jail -- I had to sleep inside a cell Where I was tortured like a demon in the deepest parts of Hell In the darkness I would dwell...as the years starting passing And my health began to fail from all the sex I was having ---- I love the narrative in this, at first glance, sleaziest of males seems just qued up to go with the 'twelve' and perhaps it was, but as the narrative progresses, I think it helps. for a moment I felt like I was reading a diary or something, pretty dope shit my friend. With those devils 'til a shell started forming 'round my seams And the hatred overwhelmed every fiber of my being 'til a sorceress's spell finally freed me from the fiends That were feasting on my flesh... Yes, she wore a satin veil and the fabric of her dress Was imported from Lhasa in the kingdom of Tibet As esteemed as she seemed I could still see that Death Sought refuge in her eyes and his ch'i never left What a secret she suppressed; -------------------- I couldve done without the mystic elements, and I TOTALLY GET that the direction needs that in some form. I don't know if a spell was the way to go about it, but it is your piece, just offering preference and as this is already a laid piece, its not like a reworking is in order. but outside of that, still feels like an unfolding book. fantastic work so far. I thought it to myself: "What if she was in a debt ... to a demon or *pinyin and she came here to collect?" That's when I heard her breath As she whispered to the mistress it was me she would accept -- little beads made of sweat Steady streamed down my cheek as the speed of her steps had increased to the beat that repeated in my chest As this dream manifested right before my very eyes Like a nightmare come to life but I had no where to hide When she starred me in my face then politely did reply If today would be a day that I rightly like to die??? Cuz the violence that resided inside my curseth tomb Would be silenced if invited inside my perversed room Thus, I took her at her word and accepted what she offered Then she bit me on the neck blood drizzled same as water As it trickled down my breast like a sacrificial alter Felt the pain & the pleasure -- was it sex or was it slaughter? Was I dead or now her now daughter? ---- this is rawzilla as hell, didnt like cureseth tomb and perversed room as a tandem, but thats life right? otherwise, I felt the word placement was extremely onpoint. especially from the bite onward, real dope. But instinctively I knew ... the answers to those questions As my aptitude improved ... with every precious second I spent starring at the Moon ... I guess I got the message When she told me to CONSUME That's when I left the room -- all you heard were screams of horror People running for the doors before their backed into a corner Blood splattered on the walls human corpses on the floor boards Torture rattled down the halls like a tune that was morbid Then all you heard was NOTHING! Not a sound or a chorus! Cause everyone was dead, except the child that was born Inside that very brothel who was treated like an orphan Before she courted Death or fell asleep every morning ...with poison on her breath ------ I loved how I got the accent from nothing to relay morbid into chorus. or atleast thats how I read it, but this was an excellent piece. a few hiccups, but again thats preference shit. otherwise masterfully crafted. bravo good sir. also... its cool that I know wtf a pinyin is now. I love learning new shit. so ten points for that tidbit as well. ------------- #Bananas 
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Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 1:40am
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Lol word. Glad to be of service. Thanks for the great feed As well. A few things. The spell part is referring to the bite of the vampire and not like hocus pocus eye of newton type of stuff. Also I completely agree with you about the curseth tomb/perversed room part. I don't really like it either. Just doesn't sit right. And yeah...rhythmically this isn't my best work. The flow is really in the pocket if you catch it right from the beginning and kind of make the necessary breaks when required. But if you get hung up you can lose it completely. But it's there. Trust me. Lol Really this piece just comes down to the story and the picture and the marriage of the two. That's It's shinning quality. I actually wrote it all in one long ass seating straight off my phone. So there are somethings I could rework or remaster. In fact, every time I read it I edit a little something. I'm getting long winded tho...probably talking to myself now. Lol. Again, thanks for the feed bro. Peace... |
Posted By: Endeavor
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 3:54pm
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Once again I cannot edit my post since I'm on a PC now and the previous one was done by phone. Please excuse my spam, unless you want beef. Get it? No? Nvm :( So uhh, I gotta remind myself to not topical battle you. I have used the word atmosphere on several other pieces from people, but all of you got this aspect down. The eerie vibe and the wording on this really makes it a standout piece. I had some issues with the flow but I trust that it actually does flow since you're no amateur at this. Hell, this piece proves it. The most impressing thing is that you actually wrote all this on your phone, which makes me wonder where you were going at that moment. Unless you were too lazy to hop on the PC. I have that sometimes...
This shit right here is straight fire. The details really make it a vivid scene and the inclusion of her thoughts actually provide for more depth. Which is important when telling a story. I kinda wish you elaborated a bit more on the reasoning of the sorceress for choosing this particular girl. It's kinda touched upon in the beginning of the second verse, however it is barely scratching the surface and I think this would make a great addition to the verse. The whole second verse I'm not gonna quote because it is straight up fire. I'm with Neek and yourself on the curseth tomb bar BUT.... Props for the rhyme.
The ending is usually a make or break in topical battles, at least from my experience. You didn't disappoint here at all and I think it fit perfectly. Basically the whole story was leading up to this. Take revenge on those who wronged you and I like that. Verdict: Dope drop, just wished for the reasoning of the elder vampire to top it off. Now it's a delicious red velvet cake but I need that Coke, man! ------------- #Bananas |
That were feasting on my flesh...Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 4:42pm
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Lmao...right. Ok so here goes... The reason why I wrote it on my phone is because my Mac is down and my girl was using hers. In terms of why the girl was chosen. Well, I was playing off the typical mistreated and abused orphan archetype. Then you throw in the under age sex slave bit and hopefully you think all those around her should be brutally murdered. Like the beginning is so graphic you root for her to seek vengeance. That's pretty much the idea. Now in my mind but not actually written in the content is that the old vamp was actually just like the girl she turned/saved at one point (long ago of course). I imagines she looks for lowest and most vulnerable members of society to empower. Those that have been abused to the point they no long wish to live and thus offer themselves freely to the gift/curse. That's why I wrote the part about her asking the brothel girl if she would like to die. As well the bit where she asked her to invite her into her "perversed room". In my mind it had to be a choice or sacrifice of the proteges's own free will in order for the bite/spell to take affect. |
Posted By: daydizzle89
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 4:43pm
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First Verse. The opening two bars kind of miss the flow for me. I think the second bar where you had "raised by prostitutes", you should have added an internal on the first bar to go with RAISE. Thats a small little glitch i had while reading this part. After that i see you started to throw in the internals that i mentioned which helped the flow pick up much better. I also love the slant you did with MALE AND CELL. I caught it right away and it worked well. Great story with a grim ass image. I like
Third Verse - This was sick brotha. Loving the vocabulary, the flow and the pace this came off with. The imagery is still on point and the story is still moving forward with each bar. I thought this was a sick verse. fourth verse - Great assonance and a great way to end this piece. I though you used your structure
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Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 6:54pm
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I could hash out a few bars,but that's already been done here,so I'll go straight into my feed,I liked it from the start to the finish,your imagery was ripe,as to was the vocab used,your story telling was on point here,I enjoyed the read so much,when finished I read it again,it kept me gripped throughout,I feel this piece should be added to February"s OM king,well done....peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 7:11pm
| You read it twice? Damn, I'm fuckin flattered. Lol. Thanks for the feed CJ. Glad you liked it. The series is coming soon. So keep your eyes peeled for that. |
Posted By: alicewonder
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 9:49pm
| Pretty much everything's been said here already which I mostly agree on, and I thought this was a great read with some very interesting schemes. Your title is quite intriguing and I really like the immediate scenery depiction in your first stanza, good usage of vocabulary which leads to a nice switch up in terms of pace, flow's smooth throughout as well. Content-wise, it was interesting since I was not familiar with the definition of a pinyin. I really thought that your depiction of vivid details was a highlight here, I actually loved the Asian- and mystic references, which were smoothly connected to the overall progression of the story. Another highlight was your scheme variety and consistency, your rhyming patterns were very interesting and really contributed to the originality of this verse. Overall, a very interesting work, looking forward to read more! |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 18 February 2016 at 10:21pm
| Thanks for the feed bro. This is actually the first of the series. So more is underway. |
Posted By: Mikey425
Date Posted: 21 February 2016 at 12:04am
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This is my 4th time trying to post something. You just did what nobody else has ever done in the 24 years I've been alive. You have literally dropped my jaw and silenced me. That is hands down one of the best pieces I have ever read I can't wait to read the rest. I'd like to attempt too leave some useful feed back but I can't stop reading this. Only thing I got for ya is there was absolutely no reason to explain who or what pinyin is or was. I would've went and researched it for myself. A good writer will leave people thirsting for more, no pun intended. Not only for more to come from the writer but to get up and go take the time to research the subject. I'm researching on my phone as I type. I tip my hat to you. ------------- |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 21 February 2016 at 12:35am
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I'm just smiling and nodding after reading your feed bro. That was a huge compliment. I know it's only text, but you just made me feel a little proud. Thanks man. Seriously. And you're right about the pinyin part. Although, I just found out I was wrong about it's meaning. A chinese vampire is actually called a jiangshi. Pinyin has to do with phonics. I'm gonna edit that part. --------------------- ***Oh, I can't edit But I would change it to Lei-King: God of Punishment |
Posted By: Slips_138
Date Posted: 21 February 2016 at 4:38am
| I loved this piece. Very good imagery. For the most part great word choice that implements a vivid picture in the readers mind. Great storytelling and it flowed extremely well. I love the horror feel and as I read it It felt like it had an aggressive feel to it. Much love brotha keep up The good work. |