Her [KOTM]
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=44476
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 4:57am
Topic: Her [KOTM]
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Subject: Her [KOTM]
Date Posted: 16 January 2017 at 9:46pm
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...heard the beat and wrote this in one shot...  Its been a year I've lived in fear switchin' to a different gear Tears had my vision smeared weird how the pictures clear Life's pressures pickin' at me I feel the fingers linger here It's all because you didn't care, pullin' strings no puppeteer The love I hads no souvenir, Oxycontin & Belvedere Layin' on the cellar stairs, I don't gotta die cuz hell is here Why don't I love this little baby in my belly? You think I'm crazy maybe it's the way he came to tell me That he's leavin' me, single mother & I'm a teen to be 7th grade is hard enough, to be a mom ain't easy street You're twenty-three with a money tree I was dumb enough to put trust in him Sayin' you loved me when you were fuckin' me Made me feel comfortable enough to cum in me Like I knew the difference, I was used, submissive Took advantage of my father booze addiction Was there for me when to heal my bruises But the truth is you made me your stupid victim Now I hate myself, tryna be a kid with a kid That doesn't wanna live at the age of 12 Failin' classes I don't stay for help I'm walkin' home & stop by my aunts house Memories hit me just from seein' that fuckin' couch You're not around, of course not I go into your room, put a chair under the door knob I start sobbin', my hearts throbbin' My minds racin', sweatin' cuz I'm pacin' Open the drawer to see razor to shave your face You were my superhero, my big cousin ...so I guess you saved the day... .:: bleeds out ::.
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Replies:
Posted By: daydizzle89
Date Posted: 16 January 2017 at 9:52pm
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Opener was strong. Liked the multi's and scheme overall. The opener was felt at the 5th bar. I knew where you were going with this. The young bitch should have kept her legs closed and she popping pills getting fucked up. SMH. I hate this girl. Teen Mom type shit meets some grim reality. I wish this was a little longer but the story line was well written. This overall was a nice piece. The concept has been played but that didnt take away from the entertainment. The ending was a little abrupt but still had impact. |
Posted By: alicewonder
Date Posted: 16 January 2017 at 11:12pm
| This was a really good. No need to emphasise on the technical aspect as you always deliver your lines so effortlessly. But I thoroughly enjoyed your approach here, even though it's a somewhat common 'story', I loved the narrative you employed here and the concept execution in general. The slight twist in the end was also nicely incorporated into the overall composition, slightly predictable, but I think that actually maintained the authentic tone and vivid depiction. A really enjoyable read. Nice to see you participating. |
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 17 January 2017 at 1:10pm
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Appreciate the feed back. I wish I had the ability to spit this for yall b/c the "umph" is really in the delivery. Has a couple switches. I agree that the baseline of the story is common but I thought the outside realm was the family lover. |
Posted By: Exoduzt
Date Posted: 18 January 2017 at 2:22am
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ill what up homie! Opening bar really brought me in. Great wording. I also was feeling the oxycotin Belvedere line. that was pretty dope. "Why don't I love this little baby in my belly?"---this line alone was so powerful. I mean sometimes its not about flow and all the technicalities. Sometimes its just the words. This was a bold fucking line. Your next couple lines developed the story with ease. Older dude got the youngin' prego and just left her. It's weird how strong this story is cus it happens more times than not in real life. I've seen it first hand. Really sad. "You're twenty-three with a money tree I was dumb enough to put trust in him Sayin' you loved me when you were fuckin' me Made me feel comfortable enough to cum in me"---Very descriptive here. You painted an image so strongly here. Strong words. Crazy story so far. "You're not around, of course not I go into your room, put a chair under the door knob I start sobbin', my hearts throbbin' My minds racin', sweatin' cuz I'm pacin' Open the drawer to see razor to shave your face You were my superhero, my big cousin ...so I guess you saved the day... .:: bleeds out ::."----whoa!!!...Now I didn't expect it to be her cousin I just assumed it was some older dude. This is what makes a great writer. When you leave the reader like holy shit I didn't expect that. Nice twist at the end. I really liked this from you Ill. Great drop -------------  |
Posted By: rhetorical
Date Posted: 18 January 2017 at 11:48pm
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I didn't want to go the suicide route with this piece because it knew at some point a drop like this would manifest. Not saying this was predictable, but the image is obviously tailor made for a suicidal theme. now, what you did was take it step further and add a taboo into the situation. Taboos are good because it makes the reader uncomfortable with the situation. That is a good thing. . uncomfortable is a direct response . . and thats what you want from a reader, thats what you got from me. My response is a sure sign that this written resonated with me. Any critique is that i had some issues here and there with the flow. I guess i wished it just stayed a bit more consistent. . but the overall tone and emotional overcast makes up for any technical nuance i may have had. Great entry here man. . dont forget to hit me up for that collab man. pzz -------------  |
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 23 January 2017 at 8:10pm
| appreciate the feedback on this... like i said previously I wish for the ability to record, this would've been way more powerful |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 24 January 2017 at 7:58pm
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Its been a year I've lived in fear switchin' to a different gear Tears had my vision smeared weird how the pictures clear Life's pressures pickin' at me I feel the fingers linger here It's all because you didn't care, pullin' strings no puppeteer The love I hads no souvenir, Oxycontin & Belvedere Layin' on the cellar stairs, I don't gotta die cuz hell is here (firstly loving the flow here via the multi's,which was also boosted by using the same sounding vowels throughout this segment,truth is this is not easy to do unless you have an extensive vocab to begin with,plus it shows creativity to use them within as placement words also,and not just rhyming words banged in there just because,good opening segment here..) Why don't I love this little baby in my belly? You think I'm crazy maybe it's the way he came to tell me That he's leavin' me, single mother & I'm a teen to be 7th grade is hard enough, to be a mom ain't easy street You're twenty-three with a money tree I was dumb enough to put trust in him Sayin' you loved me when you were fuckin' me Made me feel comfortable enough to cum in me (so although the contents were good here,the actual topic matter is a common theme, which I thought you did well by adding your slant and making it come off as fresh,this was achieved via the details and depiction,you put enough in this segment to create a picture of the scene in my mind whilst reading,and although some ppl might not like the double usage of the word me on ending back to back lines here,u must say I did, because each time it's was used (the word me),a different angle was offered as to a meaning,so props there..) Like I knew the difference, I was used, submissive Took advantage of my father booze addiction Was there for me when to heal my bruises But the truth is you made me your stupid victim Now I hate myself, tryna be a kid with a kid That doesn't wanna live at the age of 12 Failin' classes I don't stay for help I'm walkin' home & stop by my aunts house Memories hit me just from seein' that fuckin' couch (manipulation s'a bitch eh,yeah I'm liking this piece the contents and direction have been really good to be honest,showing one side of when inexperience meets the experience and the likely outcome,and how cruel this world can and in reality is at times for some,the imagery was ripe too here,showing how mundane objects (the couch) can be a reminder or trigger for a good or in this case bad thought was done well,just that little inclusion spoke volumes,i'm feeling this verse..) You're not around, of course not I go into your room, put a chair under the door knob I start sobbin', my hearts throbbin' My minds racin', sweatin' cuz I'm pacin' Open the drawer to see razor to shave your face You were my superhero, my big cousin ...so I guess you saved the day... .:: bleeds out ::. (yeah tragic but a real good closing line though,the emotion via anguish and heartache was done and expressed well throughout this verse,and a highlight in its own right, and there are plenty of highlights to be had in this piece,for me this has been a solid read, and a real contender also,your imagery contents vocab and writing abilities have been great from start to finish,a drop where the pleasure has been mine to read,ripe work here and thanks for sharing..)..peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: iLL ScriptureZ
Date Posted: 24 January 2017 at 8:15pm
| You the man Crim. |
Posted By: Amgin
Date Posted: 01 February 2017 at 3:51am
| The two opening lines flowed so well, you could literally only say those 2 lines and it be a hit, nice story too |
Posted By: KrisKartel718
Date Posted: 11 February 2017 at 7:30pm
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I really Love The Message In this Piece You Construct it well, More of the Story Telling side and I Love a Great Story. This Drop would actually Be a GREAT piece for a special teaching young mothers about the Pressure of being a young single parent. I feel it Great Job |