[KOTM] Pseudo-Beasts
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Community Forums
Forum Name: Spotlight
Forum Description: Showcasing the best Open Mics, Audio Mics and Discussions LA has to offer
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=45300
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 4:02am
Topic: [KOTM] Pseudo-Beasts
Posted By: The Law
Subject: [KOTM] Pseudo-Beasts
Date Posted: 01 August 2017 at 5:04pm
 I closed my eyes, inhaled deep to satisfy my lungs I felt a lunge, then wet, hot breath out on the run Down my neck sending shivers, my heart began to plunge I froze up, like a stone that peered into medusa's eyes My illusive mind, only focusing on the gruesome side Picturing myself being torn to shreds, teeth in flesh Animalistic, Cannibalistic, feasting on scenes of death But I couldn't envision the blackness departing from humanity Something clicked, Survival kicked, and I stopped Panicking I jumped back with a pirouette, pivoted facing the beast Hollow eyes staring back, bruxing it's razor sharp teeth There was three, fur-filled monstrosities, planning to leap To the left, was the runt, glaring and stamping it's feet The right one, waist high, crunching on a human femur Swinging his tail back and forth, gazing loose and eager The middle one leapt in a strike, a pace about five feet It's tongue protruding forward to get a taste of the live meat I was able to grab it's front claws, twist and distort it's joints Loud Cracks, Broken bones, and squeals that support it's point The smaller, rodent-esque creature charged with a swift effort I thought I dodged better, moved aside but with a quick error It's front teeth grazed my thigh, I felt the burning emission The blood tricklin', the sensation to grab the hurtin' affliction But I gathered myself and waited for the next sign Evaded, then stomped on it's back and heard the apex cry The crushed spine, the hindlegs gave way and tumbled The last of the beasts tucked it's tail and crumbled I sensed the fear, saw the shaking, can envision his worries So I walked over and ended it, snapped it's neck with mercy The adrenaline left my system, I fainted when it stopped Newspapers read, Caught the Pet Killer of East park... -------------  |
Replies:
Posted By: The Rap Daemon
Date Posted: 03 August 2017 at 4:47pm
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This was a fairly straightforward drop. Idk, but tbh I was expecting a lot of allegorical style metaphors and some wordplay and similes to strengthen the impact felt within the imagery to really paint a vivid scene. With this it felt like a was watching an action movie but not diving ln to an adventure. While the story flowed without any bumps, and lyrically there were no missteps as such, I just got that feel of being thrown straight in to a blockbuster set without the forerunning of a deep set-up to support it and an in-depth character to feel any emotion for. It's a good watch, but a one-dimensional piece to read and there weren't any memorable moments to take away with me so unfortunately I can't feel this piece like I wish I could. You feel me? That's just me though. That's what I got from this. Maybe someone else can see past that cloud I have on this one and get something from this that I couldn't. EDIT: W/o much of a message - it feels to me like just a random drop or something a part of a bigger picture, and it needs that bigger set to mean something, like a jigsaw piece. ------------- Faggot |
Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 04 August 2017 at 5:03pm
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To the Spotlight you go ------------- 
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Posted By: Sammy
Date Posted: 05 August 2017 at 5:49pm
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haha this is a very bare narrative from you, Law! And i say that with respect because...well...we all know if you want to, ur easily in ur own stratosphere. That picture is like a demonic version of that squirrel guy from Ice Age lol. thanks for ruining it, asshole. Even this isn't up to ur usual standards, its always good to peep a Law piece. And thanks for contributing. now lets sign u up for the VIP membership. -------------  |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 09 August 2017 at 3:15am
"satisfy my lungs" that's a really cool way to describe the process of breathing. I like that. Also, that picture is dope as fuck.
Ahhh man I think that last line could have been worded better. I get the metaphor you were going for but it seems like a missed opportunity. I mean, how can a stone be turned into a stone? Obviously, that's not what you were in implying, but that's how it reads.
Bruuuuuuuuuh ... you're a beast.
I like how you're walking us through not only the action, but also the thought process of the character. You've taken the first-person perspective to the next level. I'm not just reading your words. I feel like I'm participating in your story. This verse feels almost as interactive as a video game does.
You have an almost unrivaled ability to describe a scene in vivid clarity. It's impressive. I can literally envision the hollow eyed beast staring back at me with unbridled hate and confusion. It's gnarly as fuck to think about. However, I do have one question, what does "bruxing" mean?
Very imaginative and well thought out. Again, I can easily see it happening in my head.
Dope rhyme. Dope wording. I think you already knew "crunching on a human femur" was gonna get a positive reaction the second you thought of it.
It's like watching the TV show from back in the day called 'When Animals Attack', except unlike then we now have Go Pros and 3D cameras. I can imagine this little demon spring boarding towards you with salivating jaws, up close, and in slow motion.
Lol @ "rodent-esque"
Again, every detail seems of the experience seems to be taken to careful consideration. "burning emission are words that produce a sensational response. I can feel the pain or at the very least recollect from memory what it would feel like in real life.
The "apex" what? Unless you mean the apex rodent, but in this context wouldn't the correct term be alpha? I'm doing too much, right? Lol ... ight I'll relax.
Lol I dig the way this is worded. It actually made me smirk a bit.
Dope!
The ending could have been harder. But it did its job and made the story feel complete. You're a wizard with the pen, Law. It's a shame you don't drop more often. I can't ever recall reading anything less than dope from you. This piece follows suit. Stellar entry. Peace... |
I closed my eyes, inhaled deep to satisfy my lungsPosted By: The Law
Date Posted: 09 August 2017 at 4:50am
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Thanks for the feed everyone. Didn't seem like the ending got much of the response, was hard to elaborate any as I used so much on the imagery, by the time it got to the story itself, I was limited. But the single line at the end was supposed to portray that it all was in his head, he just murdered all the dogs at the park. @ Self nice catching the medusa line, I didn't even catch that I did that. Bruxing is grinding and clenching your teeth. ------------- |
Posted By: SELF ACTIVATE
Date Posted: 09 August 2017 at 12:39pm
Bruh ... I completely missed that. That's actually pretty dope now that you've pointed it out. And ahhhh I was unsure of that word, but now that I know what it means, don't be surprised if you see it in one of my up coming verses. And, yeah, it's hard to fit everything you want to write in only 32 lines, but you did a great job working within the allotted limit. |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 09 August 2017 at 2:01pm
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I liked this piece it was like a bag of mixed vibes in essence,you had a bit of everything in here,multi syllables depiction a steady storyline and similes too,the story was good it kept me peeled,and the concept of it being an illusion he was playing out was solid, For me the highlight was your imagery,it was vibrant and vivid throughout,it really lifted this piece up and out at a reader,i also liked the rhyming scheme here too,it had a good staggered feel via the quick read then back to a slow read aspect,& dude your word placements also aided the flow on the whole,came off as real smooth too,in fact so smooth if you wrote this on cotton wool,it would turn into a cloud,i liked it good read and a solid contender to the (KOTM)...peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: Neek
Date Posted: 09 August 2017 at 10:37pm
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listen you motherfucker you... *insert grumpy face* I liked this joint. I wont do the self breakdown, as thats just bodying myself. but I will say, like you.. I felt 48 lines woulda set this theme off wildly..but the difficulty setting was what made it a fun thing to do, so I feel your pain on not being able to flesh it out fully. but I think as a stand alone, I dug it. had style and flare and a bit of humor with some gruesome tossed in. besides.. who needs topicals when you catch bodies at will. enjoy your day my friend. ------------- #Bananas 
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