Open Mic: child abuse...
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Groupie
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Form: LL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tesla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: child abuse...
    Posted: 12 June 2009 at 8:48pm
hey there my name is kelsie
nowadays i dont feel to healthy
im only eleven
but already feel like i have a place in heaven
see my stepdad's been abusing me since i was seven
moms and him used to fight me, but he hit me
one day ended up in hospital so they could fix me
mom got in to accident and isnt coming back
all the sunshines gone and started looking black
cus my stepdad won the court case and got custody
but since that day hes hasnt stopped touching me
out of the house he says hes loving me 
created a ocean of tears from 4 years of torture
for the past two ive been living off stale bread n water
n my stomach is always hurting
if i do something wrong he starts cursing
rises his fist, cracks my cheekbone with it
hes so livid, wonder if i can continue living
start looking for scissors, to open up
first time i did it felt like i was floating up
but he still breaks in my room at night
switches of the light, n starts grippin my throat tight
unbuckling his belt notch after notch
feeling helpless as he touching my crotch
punching my stomach i feel myself cough
can taste the blood in my mouth
close my eyes and black out
wake up hopefully after hes finished
dry my eyes pray to god he stops me living
this is a call to who is ever listening, help me!!
please dont forget my name, my name is kelsie
prophecy is fulfilled when my fingers dance the pencil
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NepentheZ View Drop Down
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Form: WWLWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote NepentheZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 June 2009 at 9:26pm
Yeah man, I mean, the concept is dark. Its a touchy subject (no pun intended) - but I don't think you went deep enough. Not graphical enough. You certainly put your point across, and flow was nice, (apart from where a couple times you rhymed in triplets. Can't stand that). It just could have been longer, more vivid, and more detailed. Still a nice piece though. I dunno, maybe you can add more to it?






I'm so fucking intelligent, half the time I don't even know what I'm saying...
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Form: LL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tesla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 June 2009 at 10:39pm
thanks man, i might had to it i dont know yet, i might turn it in to a full blown song and add another story to it 


any more opinions?
prophecy is fulfilled when my fingers dance the pencil
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Charlie_B View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Charlie_B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 June 2009 at 9:32am
Topic's played as fuck...and there was really nothing oustanding in there. Some lines were hitters...some missers. Most were fillers though. It was very 'immortal technique'ish'...and I agree with Nep...that triple bar rhyming shit is fucking annoying.

Overall...before you decide to make a song...shorten this verse...get rid of some fillers...and make it more metaphorical instead of downright straight forward. It's boring listening about rape. Yes the topic is dark...but you could've handled it in a more artistic manner.
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Form: LL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tesla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 June 2009 at 3:04pm
Originally posted by Charlie_B Charlie_B wrote:

Topic's played as fuck...and there was really nothing oustanding in there. Some lines were hitters...some missers. Most were fillers though. It was very 'immortal technique'ish'...and I agree with Nep...that triple bar rhyming shit is fucking annoying.

Overall...before you decide to make a song...shorten this verse...get rid of some fillers...and make it more metaphorical instead of downright straight forward. It's boring listening about rape. Yes the topic is dark...but you could've handled it in a more artistic manner.


thanks for the critique, its all taken on board man
prophecy is fulfilled when my fingers dance the pencil
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