Open Mic: Her [KOTM]

Opener was strong. Liked the multi's and scheme overall. The opener
was felt at the 5th bar. I knew where you were going with this. The young bitch should have kept her legs closed and she popping pills getting fucked up. SMH. I hate this girl. Teen Mom type shit meets some grim reality. I wish this was a little longer but the story line was well written. This overall was a nice piece. The concept has been played but that didnt take away from the entertainment. The ending was a little abrupt but still had impact. 

Appreciate the feed back. I wish I had the ability to spit this for yall b/c the "umph" is really in the delivery. Has a couple switches. I agree that the baseline of the story is common but I thought the outside realm was the family lover.

I didn't want to go the suicide route with this piece because it knew at some point a drop like this would manifest. Not saying this was predictable, but the image is obviously tailor made for a suicidal theme. now, what you did was take it step further and add a taboo into the situation. Taboos are good because it makes the reader uncomfortable with the situation. That is a good thing. . uncomfortable is a direct response . . and thats what you want from a reader, thats what you got from me. My response is a sure sign that this written resonated with me. Any critique is that i had some issues here and there with the flow. I guess i wished it just stayed a bit more consistent. . but the overall tone and emotional overcast makes up for any technical nuance i may have had. Great entry here man. .

Its been a year I've lived in fear switchin' to a different gear
Tears had my vision smeared weird how the pictures clear
Life's pressures pickin' at me I feel the fingers linger here
It's all because you didn't care, pullin' strings no puppeteer
The love I hads no souvenir, Oxycontin & Belvedere
Layin' on the cellar stairs, I don't gotta die cuz hell is here

(firstly loving the flow here via the multi's,which was also boosted by using the same
sounding vowels throughout this segment,truth is this is not easy to do unless you
have an extensive vocab to begin with,plus it shows creativity to use them within as
placement words also,and not just rhyming words banged in there just because,good
opening segment here..)

Why don't I love this little baby in my belly?
You think I'm crazy maybe it's the way he came to tell me
That he's leavin' me, single mother & I'm a teen to be
7th grade is hard enough, to be a mom ain't easy street
You're twenty-three with a money tree
I was dumb enough to put trust in him
Sayin' you loved me when you were fuckin' me
Made me feel comfortable enough to cum in me

(so although the contents were good here,the actual topic matter is a common theme,
which I thought you did well by adding your slant and making it come off as fresh,this
was achieved via the details and depiction,you put enough in this segment to create a
picture of the scene in my mind whilst reading,and although some ppl might not like
the double usage of the word me on ending back to back lines here,u must say I did,
because each time it's was used (the word me),a different angle was offered as to a
meaning,so props there..)

Like I knew the difference, I was used, submissive
Took advantage of my father booze addiction
Was there for me when to heal my bruises
But the truth is you made me your stupid victim
Now I hate myself, tryna be a kid with a kid
That doesn't wanna live at the age of 12
Failin' classes I don't stay for help
I'm walkin' home & stop by my aunts house
Memories hit me just from seein' that fuckin' couch

(manipulation s'a bitch eh,yeah I'm liking this piece the contents and direction have been really good to be honest,showing one side of when inexperience meets the
experience and the likely outcome,and how cruel this world can and in reality is at
times for some,the imagery was ripe too here,showing how mundane objects (the
couch) can be a reminder or trigger for a good or in this case bad thought was done
well,just that little inclusion spoke volumes,i'm feeling this verse..)

You're not around, of course not
I go into your room, put a chair under the door knob
I start sobbin', my hearts throbbin'
My minds racin', sweatin' cuz I'm pacin'
Open the drawer to see razor to shave your face
You were my superhero, my big cousin
...so I guess you saved the day...

.:: bleeds out ::.

(yeah tragic but a real good closing line though,the emotion via anguish and heartache
was done and expressed well throughout this verse,and a highlight in its own right, and
there are plenty of highlights to be had in this piece,for me this has been a solid read,
and a real contender also,your imagery contents vocab and writing abilities have been
great from start to finish,a drop where the pleasure has been mine to read,ripe work here and thanks for sharing..)..peace.    

The two opening lines flowed so well, you could literally only say those 2 lines and it be a hit, nice story too