Open Mic: [OM KING] Father Time and Mother Earth

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"Father Time and Mother Earth"

We all hearken to the distant bell,
Far away across the verdant nell.
The chimes have rang true to tone;
The time it kept in metronome.
Each passing hour of each day,
and the half of it that did bray.
Who owns the book that tells of when?
The bell should strike and strike again.
Each minute is ushered on its way,
Each passing hour of the passing days.
It must of some importance be;
To regulate with such a key.
So we set here pondering-
Where do the empty hours go?
When they've been struck down here below,
And soon will come more than everything we know.
The last hour of our life's great flow,
What shall we mutter when that hour strikes?
For we cannot resist with sword or pike.
For we cannot escape the grip of time's strong hand
Eventually we all must travel a' midst other lands. 

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Goddess Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 16 March 2016 Status: Offline Points: 10	Post Options Post Reply Quote Goddess Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: [OM KING] Father Time and Mother Earth Posted: 16 March 2016 at 9:18pm
	*"Father Time and Mother Earth"* *We all hearken to the distant bell,* *Far away across the verdant nell.* *The chimes have rang true to tone;* *The time it kept in metronome.* *Each passing hour of each day,* *and the half of it that did bray.* *Who owns the book that tells of when?* *The bell should strike and strike again.* *Each minute is ushered on its way,* *Each passing hour of the passing days.* *It must of some importance be;* *To regulate with such a key.* *So we set here pondering-* *Where do the empty hours go?* *When they've been struck down here below,* *And soon will come more than everything we know.* *The last hour of our life's great flow,* *What shall we mutter when that hour strikes?* *For we cannot resist with sword or pike.* *For we cannot escape the grip of time's strong hand* *Eventually we all must travel a' midst other lands.*

nomedic Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote nomedic Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 March 2016 at 10:57pm
	Yo On the real I always seem to expect multis to confirm if somin is sick or not but I come across shit like this and forget what multis are for a moment and I get deeper into the meaning of it all this is what efficiency is to me the message us the embodiment of it all dope shit

Exoduzt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Exoduzt Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 March 2016 at 11:09pm
	First I just want to say as you being new to the site, it is always better for you to respond and give decent feedback to the other writers in the open mic. Not just one line type shit like "that was dope and cool shit". You gotta respond to other people if you want them to respond to you.


Sammy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2227 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sammy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 March 2016 at 10:08pm
	wow this was reallyg ood! Awesome first verse to share with us, Zoe. Great use of poetry here. "Father Time and Mother Earth" We all hearken to the distant bell, Far away across the verdant nell. Awesome imagery right off the bat. Although i think you meant "knell" instead of nell, right? at least i thought so lol. The chimes have rang true to tone; The time it kept in metronome. Again, great usage of imagery and comparative language. The entendre on "tone" in both a specific for color and sound was great. And i love the sound theme running across the first 4 lines. Each passing hour of each day, and the half of it that did bray. great couplet but i didn't really caught that last line. Bray is a harsh sound made. I'm unclear of the direction in that line. Who owns the book that tells of when? The bell should strike and strike again. Awesome allusion to John Donne's work and very complementary of. I also noticed the metric influences of his poem here. Well played! Each minute is ushered on its way, Each passing hour of the passing days. Again, the imagery was immaculate here. Repetition was very well utilized as it spoke on distance with such intimate feature. It must of some importance be; To regulate with such a key. I'm not a fan of passive language - here, especially, because because it did feel forced to achieve that end rhyme. Again, the sound/music theme was well thought out. So we set here pondering- Where do the empty hours go? At this junction, i wish this was more personal. Instead of "we" i'd prefer "I" u know what i mean? No big deal but it became more of a commentary than a personal one - at least thats what the tone dictated. But i love the content. Moments that pass without any semblance of awareness. it was very eloquent. When they've been struck down here below, And soon will come more than everything we know. I definitely felt these two couplets were the weakest in the poem. that first line was a little redundant. "down here" and "below", is too similar to exists simultaneously. The second line made very little sense to me. "will come more than everything we know"?? The last hour of our life's great flow, What shall we mutter when that hour strikes? But you brought the inquisitive nature of the poem right back to where it was. I personally love this couplet alot! The notion of one's feeling/thoughts/emotion...at the moment of death is always a chilling one. For we cannot resist with sword or pike. For we cannot escape the grip of time's strong hand Eventually we all must travel a' midst other lands. Great way to end it. From this conclusion it got the impression that the main subject of this piece was "death" itself and how it is inevitable. I might've missed the metaphor entirely but i wasn't too clear on your inclusion of "Mother Earth". Are you speaking in her voice, entirely? The "Father Time" was well executed as much of the wordplay included "time" based quips and ultimately it played to the "Time runs out" idiom - which is likely in reference to death. But yeah i'm still a bit confuse in regards to "Mother Nature". Nonetheless, i enjoyed this verse a lot. And i thought u did a great job balancing poetry with slick sleight of "tongue". good job.